wunty
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Nov 29, 2023 22:59:35 GMT
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Post by wunty on Nov 29, 2023 22:59:35 GMT
Honestly when it clicks it clicks. First 500 words were arduous. Kept getting distracted. Then I was off to the races. When you’re in that zone they almost just appear without your help.
Yes good thinking. I’ll hold on to it.
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Post by sunjumper on Nov 30, 2023 1:06:43 GMT
OK, I did write a bit more. I think chapter 4 might be done? Not quite sure, but it feels like this part of the story is done. We'll see.
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Post by wunty on Nov 30, 2023 11:34:47 GMT
OK, I did write a bit more. I think chapter 4 might be done? Not quite sure, but it feels like this part of the story is done. We'll see. Your link links here! But I've got it anyway!
I really want this big kindle now. It sounds awesome.
"Somehow a glass of read-wine had appeared next to her and Walter was sitting at the table again, reading the paper."
I know that's probably a typo but I think you should keep it. There's something quite awesome in an idea about a special drink that aids with reading old and imperious texts.
"“Never”, Walter said, “If you ask me, there are no golden ages. There are just different times, some better than others."
You can say that again.
"Nat looks at the past and at the promise it carried, but she dreams of the future.”"
I like this.
"I’m pretty sure I also showed you how to ring the fucking bell"
I love these little flashes of typical human traits and responses. Walter you grumpy git.
"“We are here on official academy business. Cara has been declared Proditor Perfidissimus by the academy.” Cara blanched. A traitor to the school?'"
Ah. Here we go then. Thought this might happen.
"“You can’t do that!”, the somewhat familiar voice screamed."
And here he is. The arsehole!
"Do you know who I am? My name is…”, he didn’t get any further because this was the moment when Walter had punched the stick into his stomach. As he doubled over, Walter punched him in the back of the head. The nameless arsehole crumpled to the floor."
You don't get to say your name arsehole! Nice. Liked that.
"“Not sure. But not good. Did you find a ship?” “Aye.” “Good, you and Cara need to leave the city as soon as possible.”"
The adventure begins!
You've really got a grip of this story man. Honestly. It's rollicking along, even when you think it isn't. We've got our protagonists, we've got our goal, we've got the promise of good times ahead, we've got major and minor antagonists taking shape, we've got a projected lead characer arc and others. You just need that self confidence to know that you'll pull it off and I believe you will.
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wunty
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Post by wunty on Nov 30, 2023 11:36:06 GMT
Actually feels quite nice that I've got my ending done. I'm going back now and continuing from where I left off, writing towards it. Five scenes mapped out. Approx 1500 - 2000 words each. Boom. Done.
So...fucking...close.
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Post by sunjumper on Nov 30, 2023 13:24:50 GMT
Today is a day full of boring meetings and dead time in between, which I will use to do something constructive.
Like having a look at:
Part II - Cycle IV - Scene IX (part I)
Good start, back in the living room with the now not so dormant commission work and a new perspective on what is happening.
“That wasn’t true either. He was on a course of redemption. Here, with Daphne’s work. A fucking child’s fable. She could dress it up all she wanted. Jane could give him the hard sell, but it all amounted to the same thing. It was a bloody fairytale. He had illustrated fairytales before and since. “
Grow up Adam…
This shows how immature he is at his core. However this with the following part of the story also shows that he is finally growing. So far Adam has been a character that has been fighting his arc with tooth and nail. This isn’t a guy who “refused the call” but one who declared total war to it.
This makes the narrative resonate in the most interesting ways though because it is centred around Adam’s constant denial. Him fighting this until the bitter end and never learning anything and never changing would in the end be boring and an empty story.
OK unless it explodes in his face in the end which would be the point of the narrative. However having Adam develop and finally grow, will give the end more impact. If there is any redemption for him it must be earned, if he gets his just desserts then him realising that he had it coming improves the impact of that etc…
Also while this isn’t really a plot twist, it is a development that the story has been slowly moving towards, which makes it finally happening very satisfying.
“It was true. If she hadn’t found that bloody phone, none of this would have happened. It as her fucking fault. Why did she have to look in it? Of course he hadn’t put a code on it. He didn’t think that she would damn well find it. “
Oh boy…
I’m not commenting as much as usual because on one hand the narrative is flowing really well and on the other hand there are so many interlocking parts here that work so well with each other that I could quote most of the text adding an increasingly long commentary to it. Things are really coming together in very cool and intriguing ways.
““No, I’m sorry. I’m just checking the database now. Our head of marketing is listed here as an Amber Campion.”
Holy shit… O.O
Now that was a good surprise. But who is Jane then… So many new questions. What a nice way to drown in a swamp Adam. I give you perfect marks, right now.
“Right, okay. I’m hanging up now. I’ll call back another time when you’ve all grown up a little bit. Maybe when you yourself has graduated up to the big school. Would you like that? Mixing with the big boys and girls?”
Adam is such a punchable fuck face…
“He stared at his phone momentarily, thought about redialling and then thought again. Screw them. They had a joke at his expense. They were still sore. He should have credited them with more maturity than this but he guessed not. “
Adam, my dude, you wouldn’t be able to identify maturity in a one man line-up with neon signs.
Also yes, I may have started talking to the protagonist now because he is sooo infuriating. Very good work on your side Wunty.
Part II - Cycle IV - Scene IX (part II)
“He let it settle, his vision returning from where it had fractured. “
I like this description.
“Because the ivy softly creeping
Left it’s seeds as I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
still remains
Within the sound of -
Almost on cue.
WHUMP“
This one is also great. It has very good comedic timing and helps with preventing that the “whump” event doesn’t become stale.
“He was moving into what Amber used to call his tunnel. She said that when he entered it, the only way out was through. The light was his finished piece, and he couldn’t leave this tunnel without attaining it. He left with the light or not at all. “
I love how normal this starts and how increasingly ominous it becomes.
I really like Ivy’s story. Would read that one too.
The scene escalates more and more and in the end we are back at a very tense cliff-hanger.
And it works. I thought I take a break now and post what I have as this is taking forever today but I just need to know what happens in…
Part II - Cycle IV - Scene X
We haven’t seen Adam in such a sorry state I ages. It’s bit like what would happen if the picture of Dorian Grey had quit its job half way into the story.
Now that was a ride.
Not much to say here. The horror was great in this chapter the flow of it spot on, with some first class descriptions here.
Also more information and pieces of the puzzle. It seems that the amount of information is increasing.
Part II - Interloper V - Scene I
“You screamed when you saw what she did to her children. What she was still doing to her children. It’s why you’re here again.”
You really know how to layer on the implications of horrible things.
“A hand took firm grip of his ankle and pulled. He lost balance and fell forwards, hitting his head on the iron stairs. The bridge of his nose burst. More blood. Yet he was still numb, and felt nothing. “
I feel it though. I feel it…
I love the Tower story, how it intertwines with the main narrative and shifts from the tale from before into another perspective.
Great work.
I am really looking forward how it all will come together in the end.
The idea of the twins is interesting. How it mirrors the view of Adam who saw Violet and there was Ivy always creeping in the margins.
Your story keeps delivering. I am looking forward to the rest.
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Post by sunjumper on Nov 30, 2023 13:29:04 GMT
OK, I did write a bit more. I think chapter 4 might be done? Not quite sure, but it feels like this part of the story is done. We'll see. Your link links here! But I've got it anyway!
I really want this big kindle now. It sounds awesome.
"Somehow a glass of read-wine had appeared next to her and Walter was sitting at the table again, reading the paper."
I know that's probably a typo but I think you should keep it. There's something quite awesome in an idea about a special drink that aids with reading old and imperious texts.
"“Never”, Walter said, “If you ask me, there are no golden ages. There are just different times, some better than others."
You can say that again.
"Nat looks at the past and at the promise it carried, but she dreams of the future.”"
I like this.
"I’m pretty sure I also showed you how to ring the fucking bell"
I love these little flashes of typical human traits and responses. Walter you grumpy git.
"“We are here on official academy business. Cara has been declared Proditor Perfidissimus by the academy.” Cara blanched. A traitor to the school?'"
Ah. Here we go then. Thought this might happen.
"“You can’t do that!”, the somewhat familiar voice screamed."
And here he is. The arsehole!
"Do you know who I am? My name is…”, he didn’t get any further because this was the moment when Walter had punched the stick into his stomach. As he doubled over, Walter punched him in the back of the head. The nameless arsehole crumpled to the floor."
You don't get to say your name arsehole! Nice. Liked that.
"“Not sure. But not good. Did you find a ship?” “Aye.” “Good, you and Cara need to leave the city as soon as possible.”"
The adventure begins!
You've really got a grip of this story man. Honestly. It's rollicking along, even when you think it isn't. We've got our protagonists, we've got our goal, we've got the promise of good times ahead, we've got major and minor antagonists taking shape, we've got a projected lead characer arc and others. You just need that self confidence to know that you'll pull it off and I believe you will.
Fantastic feedback again. Thank you. And obviously I am doubting more than I should. The "read-wine" is great and should become a thing. Walter is the best grumpy old man ever. (in my mind he is played by Jonathan Banks) I also enjoyed not giving the arsehole a name. It has now become a bit of a running gag? Let's see how long I can keep it up without it becoming ridiculous. I'm looking forward to the next chapter where Cara's journey will reach the literal stage.
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wunty
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Nov 30, 2023 13:56:41 GMT
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Post by wunty on Nov 30, 2023 13:56:41 GMT
sunjumper bloody hell you read a lot there thank you! Some very good food for thought as well. You’ve definitely steered the direction of the next few scenes a little and it’s all even clearer in my head now.
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wunty
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Nov 30, 2023 13:57:49 GMT
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Post by wunty on Nov 30, 2023 13:57:49 GMT
Also I think scene x was me basically trying to bring in a bit of Stephen King style writing. I had a lot of fun with that one.
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Post by sunjumper on Nov 30, 2023 14:16:50 GMT
Well I did have a lot of downtime today and I was really invested into the story. Incidentally, reading your story really helped me to keep my sanity today while being on "standby" waiting for things to happen at work.
Scene X was really good. The aesthetics you built there were among the best you have done so far. Which is saying something considering that you are very good at them in general. This would have been a part where I would have compared things to the better Silent Hill episodes again. But as good as a compliment that may be, it might not be good to over emphasise such things in feedback, as it will put a gentle subtle pressure on you the writer to conform to a certain style. (or your preconception of it) While it would be much better for you to just go wild and doing your own thing.
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Post by thejackketch on Nov 30, 2023 14:16:55 GMT
sunjumper, wunty sorry I haven't been in the thread more to give my feedback but work.... I have now caught up and must say I'm so impressed with both of your efforts. sunjumper - I really love this tale you are weaving, your world building is superb. I like that it's not cliched, it is your own world with a great history there to be discovered. Cara is a fantastic protagonist, likeable and humble enough that you are there on the ride with her, rooting for her to succeed and be great. Wunty is correct you do write fighting scenes very well. I hope you manage to continue with the story beyond November, if it helps I really want to read about the journey to the tournament and what will happen there. wunty - I find your writing uncomfortable, I mean that in the best possible way, I feel the humidity and decomposition of the scenes, I feel icky and disgust at Adam, I feel the fear of what has happened to Violet, the dread of Ivy. This is all down to the way you set words down on the page to transport me there. To me that is the sign of a good writer, me feeling like I am there. Can't wait to read your ending and finish this story. I tip my hat to you both and congratulations for sticking with it throughout the whole of NaNoWriMo.
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Post by sunjumper on Nov 30, 2023 14:53:10 GMT
sunjumper , wunty sorry I haven't been in the thread more to give my feedback but work.... I have now caught up and must say I'm so impressed with both of your efforts. sunjumper - I really love this tale you are weaving, your world building is superb. I like that it's not cliched, it is your own world with a great history there to be discovered. Cara is a fantastic protagonist, likeable and humble enough that you are there on the ride with her, rooting for her to succeed and be great. Wunty is correct you do write fighting scenes very well. I hope you manage to continue with the story beyond November, if it helps I really want to read about the journey to the tournament and what will happen there. wunty - I find your writing uncomfortable, I mean that in the best possible way, I feel the humidity and decomposition of the scenes, I feel icky and disgust at Adam, I feel the fear of what has happened to Violet, the dread of Ivy. This is all down to the way you set words down on the page to transport me there. To me that is the sign of a good writer, me feeling like I am there. Can't wait to read your ending and finish this story. I tip my hat to you both and congratulations for sticking with it throughout the whole of NaNoWriMo. Your feedback may come at the last day of NaNoWriMo but boy does it make me happy. Thank you very much. To me even my best updates feel like a few good ideas, stuck in a large pile of non-descript word porridge. Having people who actually are enjoying the ride is incredibly helpful. Seeing that the basics are doing their job and people are actually having fun reading, the the world building works and the action sequences. That really helps. You opinion and that of Wunty and two other readers I have who give me some feedback have a great overlap, which also helps getting it through my thick skull that this story is evolving just fine. And right now I am planning to go on writing. I want to see Cara on her way too! About wunty's story. Right? The way he describes things rotting away, falling apart. Always lingering in the corners of each scene is great.
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wunty
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Post by wunty on Nov 30, 2023 17:08:27 GMT
thejackketch Awesome man! Thank you so much for taking the time to read, I really appreciate the feedback. Bit worried that my forte seems to be in describing disgusting things. Actually no, I'll take that, down in the filth is where I'm happiest Let's hope I don't lose your goodwill with the ending! sunjumper It's evolving brilliantly. I know self doubt all too well so just keep at it. You can totally do this.
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wunty
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Post by wunty on Nov 30, 2023 21:05:24 GMT
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Post by sunjumper on Dec 1, 2023 1:24:50 GMT
Well I was to dead to write today, however today is/was the last official NaNoWriMo day, so I sat down and thought I can at least put the finishing touches on chapter 4. Which I did. The "finishing touches" were 2151 words bringing the grand total up to: 30.615, which is the best word count I had in a long long time. Still quite far away from 50k but so much more than expected. I'm happy.
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Post by sunjumper on Dec 1, 2023 12:57:04 GMT
A wild downtime appeared! Let’s get some sneaky reading done! Part II - Final Cycle - Scene I I see a certain harmony between the start of this scene and the end of my penultimate update. It looks like Adam needs a Walter in his life. X-D Great description of the bell ringing and door knocking. It feels grating and horrible. (I need to take notes on how you did this, as it invokes the situation really well.) “Adam moaned inwardly and forced himself to sit up, reaching for his chair and pulling it beside the bed before pushing himself up from the ivy and on to the chair in one well versed swoop.” Really nice how the ivy is now “just there”, describing it as a perfectly ordinary part of the scene is such a great storytelling device. Dito when it comes to the “wrought iron framework” of the wheelchair. You didn’t overpromise on the horror part. That flat has gone to shit. X-D This would be excessive under other circumstances, however everything that you show here, the earth, the ivy, the smell of rot, the strange black liquid are things that you have gradually introduced over the story. It has always been the case that these things have an invading quality to them, so now it all makes sense that it now breaks out from all corners. The dam has burst. “She had her hands behind her back and an expression on her face that should have been next to the definition for happiness but there were a few things wrong with it. “ Very nice. A perfect example of how to use vagueness to great effect. “He reminded Adam of a spider in human form. His limbs were all just a little too long, his fingers almost spindly.” I can picture him perfectly. Brr… He stunk of stale tobacco and his eyes were yellowed. He winked, slowly, before drawing back again. Not before Adam caught sight of something moving underneath his skin. Urgh… a good way to show how everything in this version is festering in one way or another. Little comment, it’s not even a nitpick, but green light is the one colour of light that most plants can hardly use, as the reflect green light. Having lightbulb shining green, that could either have interesting effect in that despite it being really bright the plants grow in another direction. Or the plants do so anyway which will add to the weirdness of the place. “Pulling himself fully up to the desk now, Adam opened the folder and took out what was within. The rest of the manuscript. It was time to finish it. „ … „The rest of the manuscript.“ How casual you drop the big plot twist in there for a rather subtle cliff hanger at the end of the chapter. Very nice again. The flow is still good. In its sedate way the pacing is getting faster, things are changing, coming loose and lumbering forward. I like it.
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wunty
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Post by wunty on Dec 1, 2023 21:10:55 GMT
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Post by wunty on Dec 1, 2023 21:26:23 GMT
Well I was to dead to write today, however today is/was the last official NaNoWriMo day, so I sat down and thought I can at least put the finishing touches on chapter 4. Which I did. The "finishing touches" were 2151 words bringing the grand total up to: 30.615, which is the best word count I had in a long long time. Still quite far away from 50k but so much more than expected. I'm happy. First off. Well bloody done for the 30K. Absolutely brilliant achievement and I'm so chuffed you kept yourself going for the month. It's bloody hard. Starts off great, full of hope, and then gets, basically, fucking difficult. Okay. "More than anything else, it was morally wrong to attack an enemy that was already beaten." A nice flash of Cara's moral compass there. Important to know that she has these kinds of values. Ha, I somehow knew Walter would know the militia who turned up. "You accused the war hero, high instructor and grand master Walter Balogh Rayne of harbouring a Proditor Perfidissimus inside the walls of his house?" Walter's kind of a big deal! Nice bit of bonding there follows. Good to see the closeness between Nat and Cara there. It'll be interesting to see how this partnership develops. I wonder if, because they have become so close this early on, that there will be something that then drives them apart later, even temporarily. "This time Natalie rang the bell." Ha, I can just picture Walter's face as he heard her ring it. I liked the symbolic burning of the effigy. Another sign that Cara is shedding the old version of herself. Literally burning it then destroying it with a sword. Nice. Excellent in fact. Really good end to the chapter and another thrust forward in the narrative. You going to stick at it through December? You must.
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Post by sunjumper on Dec 1, 2023 21:30:49 GMT
I know the green light is symbolic and we are in a world that works according to narrative laws. Hence why I stressed that my comment wasn't even a nit-pick. More of an observation that you may use to your advantage.
And another update! You sure you aren't a machine? Nice.
Talk about timing suddenly there is your feedback there.
It is bloody hard. The good thing is that the enthusiasm keeps returning, the bad thing is so does that wonderful all squashing wall one keeps running against.
One of the hardest things to do is writing Cara well. She is modelled after the protagonist of older Wuxia and other Asian adventure stories who tend to be a bit simple but of a pure heart. As I keep writing I keep slipping into the far more ambiguous and grey scaled western tradition for these kind of heroes. But I actually like that Cara has a very pure core and a strong moral compass. Natalie (and the others) get to play around and have fun in the ethical muck. This can potentially give rise to some interesting conflict down the road
Walter is just an old man running a bar who wants nothing more than live his final years in peace and quiet. (unless of course there is a spin-off. "Better Call Walter"? Or a prequel. Which I certainly am not gonna write.)
I am wondering about Cara and Nat too. The scene were they bond and get closer was there as the story needed to breath a bit and this is all a big deal for Cara. Also Natalie really needed a bit more depth.
And I am going to keep it up.
I have at least one more chapter maybe too already bubbling in my head.
There will probably be pirates and the and Solingen the city of the master smiths.
I am also facing the problem of pacing, because the "six months" until the tournament, is quite the time frame. Also the tournament itself is probably going to be act 3 of 5 in the general structure.
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wunty
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Dec 1, 2023 21:35:09 GMT
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Post by wunty on Dec 1, 2023 21:35:09 GMT
Oh I took it as such! It all helps! You’ve already helped steer things a few ways that you may not even have noticed.
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Post by sunjumper on Dec 1, 2023 21:50:45 GMT
I actually don't notice the influence my feedback is having.
But that is the great thing about having readers giving feedback while one is writing, they shape the ideas and the flow of the story (you have also had influence on my story and the way it moves forward, without you nameless blond arse would just have been an extra for example), which when implemented into the story will feel to the reader completely natural.
P.S. I edited my reaction to your feedback into my post above.
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Post by wunty on Dec 2, 2023 18:59:43 GMT
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Post by sunjumper on Dec 2, 2023 23:37:20 GMT
Today I wanted to write. Instead I got a massive headache that has only grown since it started. Before my head implodes into a black-hole of pain, I will try to read a bit.
“Was it he who had her mother? Or knew where she was? Was this even her quest, or was she merely picking up that of her mothers? Ivy didn’t know the answers to these question, and it did not deter her from ascending the staircase in pursuit of him, or in pursuit of her mother. All thoughts of the terrible things she had seen before she began her ascent were gone from her mind. In their place was only her mother and her sister. Her sister Violet, who could play the piano with virtuoso skill before she could walk, who knew the names of each plant in the garden and of those beyond. Her sister Violet who –„
I love this entire part. A little tip, start the text with identifying Ivy as soon as possible. The moment you change perspectives this should be your no. 1 narrative priority. Else your read will be slightly disoriented when reding the new part of the story. (and yes you can use this as a tool to your own advantage, this has to be planned and done very carefully to work though) Still love how the chapter opens though.
“[…] pouring another Amber globule of honey […]” Oh ho ho ho! I see what you did there.
“ He knew the ivy had worked it’s way in […]” This would be another point where you could capitalise “Ivy”.
“He had no idea why the two Tim Burton film rejects had to have been the ones to deliver. “ This description made me laugh. It works very well too.
Interesting to see how Adam’s temper destroys his phone in the end. It is a bit mean, as the fates have obviously set him up to fail, but still, this guys sudden bursts of brutal rage aren’t doing him any favours.
““Who, Violet? I need to reach her, she’s my -” “I know who she is. I’m the one who wrote her.” The hell are you talking about? “You know ‘the hell’. „ All of this is brilliant. It works and unsettles on many levels.
And there goes the other phone. Adam really loves to not learn anything from past mistakes.
The chapter keeps up the unsettling and creepy stuff. In a way that I feel that it is mostly horror for Adam. For the reader is more a fascinating, twisted view. It also makes sense that hardly anything is working according to normal logic anymore.
Part II - Final Cycle - Scene II - Part II
“A saint, or a martyr, he thought, before deciding that there was very little difference between them.” I was about to say that there is often hardly any difference. Interesting choice of picture at this point. Of course, now I am wondering what the meaning of the picture is, as Adam certainly isn’t a saint.
By the way violets are also flowers. I think, but this is something for the revision, that you should take advantage of that. Both the flower as well as the colour.
“The garden belonged to the minister of the land, who, it was said, was the cause of this far off conflict, having planted seeds in the heads of kings across two generations. “ Nice.
The story inside the story goes from realistic, to fairy tail to batshit insane in a few short steps. The bees taking over the carcasses of the not-sons is horrifying in a fascinating way.
““Drink it.” Ivy did as she was bid. It was warm and ignited a fire within her. She opened her eyes for the first time. Upon returning to the landing the way up was open to her. She continued to climb. „
This is horrifying. (In a good way)
That “bee sting” was disgusting… o.o
IT’s all increasingly melting away and falling apart.
You said that in the next chapter Adam is going to be facing something harsh? That would be the perfect timing as this is the point were some of the floatier concepts and puzzle pieces should click into place. A revelation about why Adam is here or what he did and potentially the first repercussions for it would really make the endgame dominos fall.
As always I remain a fan of the story and am looking very much forward to the inevitable ending.
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wunty
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Dec 3, 2023 12:39:53 GMT
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Post by wunty on Dec 3, 2023 12:39:53 GMT
sunjumper awesome feedback as always. This is all really useful stuff. Thank you. Bit apprehensive about how I’m going to do the next few scenes and how clumsily I do any reveals etc. I think I’m just going to write it and see what happens. If I think too much it’ll put me off so. Fuck it here goes.
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Post by sunjumper on Dec 3, 2023 15:02:02 GMT
Don't worry (says the right person...) you are still in the sweet embrace of the first draft. You can be as clunky as you want to be. Even if the great revelation is "Ivy is all the friends Adam refused to make on his journey", that would still work and could be reverse integrated into the story. Go through your revelations and see what happens until we reach the end. Then you have the full picture and you will be able to, it at all necessary, to weave that back into the story that came before. If feel that you have a lot of very good and interesting seed points all along the story, so you are either already there or it will be easy to reinforce the specific points.
You are so close to finishing your novel. Go, run, you have almost reached the finishing line.
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Post by wunty on Dec 3, 2023 15:09:44 GMT
I'm running!
/trips
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Post by wunty on Dec 3, 2023 15:59:02 GMT
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Post by sunjumper on Dec 3, 2023 20:50:37 GMT
Well stumbled Wunty. I managed to write the beginning of chapter 5 which went pretty well I could have written a bit more. I would have preferred that because the point it ended wasn't the best point for a break there. But I was running out of time.
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Post by sunjumper on Dec 4, 2023 11:35:53 GMT
Downtime is feedback time!
Part II - Final Cycle - Scene III
Reality and imagination have merged. The bit where what Adam sees when his eyes are open and when they are closed are basically the same is great.
“He had become lazy, complacent and - worst of all - completely passive. Art wasn’t passive. Art was urgent.” Try writing Adam, try writing…
I like the fever dream mania of Adam. His disregard of anything but his work.
The moment with the bee is disturbing…
“Let them, he thought happily, and continued to work. Never her face. He didn’t wish to see her face. „
Someone is still in heavy denial.
“Ivy painted darkness on to the canvas, in increments until all the white crisp purity had succumbed to the pigment. She didn’t like what she was painting, yet found herself powerless to stop. “ I like the parallel between her and Adam here.
Also fascinating to see the development (?) of Denys the neighbour who, for all appearances seems to be the most constant person in this world besides Adam. Like a Cornenbergian Vergil to Adam’s arsehole Dante.
This one was a trip again. The horror is becoming amorphous as it has now infested everything, however Adam still stands out in the middle his strange voyage slowly coming to an end, with Ivy’s quest mirroring his.
I have still no idea what is going to happen in the end. I am still invested in the story though and looking forward to the end.
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wunty
Full Member
Pastry Forward
Posts: 5,144
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Post by wunty on Dec 4, 2023 21:56:41 GMT
Well stumbled Wunty. I managed to write the beginning of chapter 5 which went pretty well I could have written a bit more. I would have preferred that because the point it ended wasn't the best point for a break there. But I was running out of time. "She had wanted to go to master Manfred to talk to him. Surely that would resolve the misunderstanding they were having. She would also have wanted to warn him about the blonde man; he was obviously a cheat and a liar not worthy to hold a sword in his hands much less learn the secret techniques of the great Liechtenauer style. Natalie and Walter would have none of it though." Yes I think that would have been a very bad idea. That guy is NOT to be trusted... "“Bah, the “Ruhig Blut” is one of the fastest freighters in the entire region" I'm getting Han Solo vibes, and that's a good thing! "“Dortmund at the very least. We need to go to the forge fortress Solingen. Cara needs training and equipment.”" A forge fortress! I like the sound of that. "You are going to get board and lodging and you will help in defending the ship. Especially in the Purgatory Gap." Sounds really ominous... "“Don’t you ‘my love’ me right now. You are a disgrace to your profession and my family.”" I like these two. Hope they are going to be around for a bit. "“My parents are dead…?”, Natalie said. “Good for them”, Erika said her voice now growing louder." I can only applaud her bluntness. A good solid chunk here if I'm honest. Another great balance of world building, character building and plot advancement. Awesome work!!
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wunty
Full Member
Pastry Forward
Posts: 5,144
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Post by wunty on Dec 4, 2023 21:57:22 GMT
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