And back to
wuntyPart II - Cycle IV - Scene III
Damn Adam really can’t go into that apartment without being teleported to another location.
At least he is getting that box unearthed…
“The message written in neat intelligent script inside a card that his
dead
daughter had drawn for him.
FINISH IT
He would. He would need to contact her again. Her. If he had a number. If his phone (or any phone) would let him.
One step at a time.
One wheel at a time.
Humour was always a part of it.“
In this context that last sentence packs quite the punch.
This chapter contains more examples of Adam’s selfish aggressive paranoia. These are the bits that in the past have made me consider him probably more a shambling trash heap of a human rather than a deeply wounded and traumatised one.
“He wished he he gone upstairs to try and get some hep for the box, as it could have
you did though
saved him a lot of time and effort. Yana would have been in, he was sure of it. After all had he not heard her doing whatever it was she did earlier on that morning?
YOU DID THOUGH „
I like this part a lot.
I notice that the commenting voice helps a lot to establish that weird shit ™ is happening here. That the narrative is actually working as expected. His lack of reaction to most of this is also a great device for building tension as we the readers are seeing that the protagonist is sitting on top of a metaphorical, slightly eldritch time bomb, while blithely ignoring it.
“The lift doors began to shut once more when the door halfway down on the left opened slowly. A small pale crack of green light spilling into the hall. Adam quickly and subconsciously pressed the button to hold the door as a large shape emerged from the doorway”
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT ADAM?!?! WHYYYY?
;_;
I only now realise that Denys’ name also starts with a “D”. Hmmm…
“It gave and he fell through the doorway, off his chair and sprawling on to the floor.
Everything went black, as he fell into absolute darkness. „
And another great cliff hanger ending.
I don’t have that much active feedback at the moment because your story just works. The mechanisms you built and the narrative flow are ticking along nicely and everything is moving in its strange twisted ways.
Part II - Cycle IV - Scene IV
„A further jostling, an attempt to pull the covers away from his head. He gripped tighter. He just needed five more fucking minutes. Could she not give him five more fucking minutes? He felt a growl forming in his throat. If she didn’t give him five more minutes she would regret it.”
And the dad of the year award goes to…
“He should stop being so selfish.
Yet I would be on better form if she had just given me five more fucking minutes. „
X-D
Very good.
Also the bit about Adam’s father that came before this part was enlightening.
“ It fell over him like an alcoholics tears.”
In the context of the scene this is a very interesting simile.
Oh also I recognise this scene from before. I love how you take familiar scene but make it completely new and interesting. When you go into repeating cycles it is hard to make them new and interesting beyond the “Oh things are repeating!” factor. Your work so far has given us a lot new information and perspective and the way we entered this scene and how you frame it gives it a completely different feeling and texture. This is really good work.
Also this is a completely different reality. Is this really the same scene or is another event that happened later? Or is this simply closer to the truth?
The conversation between Amber and Adam was painful… You capture this feeling of two-way exasperation very well.
And why they both appear to be on comparable ground, both tired, wounded and also probably now very short on patience for the others bullshit, it is very telling that Amber is arguing and thinking about what is best for Violet, while Adam is focused on the idea that it is all about him, being fucked over, left behind etc… and again his egoistic paranoia rears its slimy head.
“By way of reply, she stole one baleful glance at him over her shoulder and left him with nothing more than a lukewarm cup of bitter coffee.
“Do you like it?”
He had drifted off. Thoughts consuming him the way that they did. He didn’t t know how long she had been waiting for a response. „
This transition is sooooo good.
Especially because when reading it I had become so committed to the scene with Amber, that I had forgotten for the moment, that this was a flashback, so I was as confused as Adam for a moment then realising what is actually happening.
““He swung his legs out of bed, ignoring the pain when Violet had rolled over them,[…]”
Another great little puzzle piece.
“Rocky road it is! Rocky road for both of us!”
Rocky road indeed…
You are really on a roll with these chapters. This one was also fantastic and the pacing is really spot on right now.
Part II - Cycle IV - Scene V
„Two figures stood before him, only they were like shadow rendered in watercolour.”
Nice.
The inhabitant of apartment 2 appears. Mr. Fletcher does look a lot like the one guy from property management from the last cycle. Interesting, let’s see where this is going.
“His gaze pierces cloud, shadow, earth and flesh. “
Another great description.
I like how Denys seems to be a benevolent und inexorable force of nature.
““Ah!” Denys looked at Adam and grinned. “You still have it! It will be good now. You taste it yet?”
Are you out of your fucking mind?
“Not yet.” He smiled. A tired smile. He felt exhausted.“
This exchange is also fabulous. X-D
Nothint to add what I haven’t said yet.
It flows really well, I am caught up in the narrative and this has become quite the page turner.
Part II - Cycle IV - Scene VI
„“I tell her. I tell her not to.” Denys remained with his back to Adam, so his face and expression was a mystery. “But it’s our children.”
So creepy.
Oh yeah and the motive of the green light keeps appearing, the hue that was fit for the dead since you introduced it several chapters ago. You use it well. Now it even has infected the water.
And what was in the fridge will haunt me in my dreams… ;_;
“He found it in his contacts and dialled.
A few short minutes later he went over to the far side of the kitchen and picked up his phone, regretting throwing it, and hoping that it was unscathed enough to still be functional.“
And another brilliant transition.
“One shoe. That was what was here. She had
worn them that day
outgrown them probably.“
Yeah you tell yourself that…
And another scene were Adam was a right prick to his daughter.
And done.
Another great chapter. Things coming together nicely.
I’m deeply impressed by the amount of work and the quality of said work that you keep pumping out at an utterly breakneck pace.