The Poo Diaries

I have survived two more waves. The last one required clenching every muscle in my lower body, toes included.

Smile and wave at the cars idling on by.

Own that shite. 😀

I always carry emergency toilet roll. I recall Mrs Mercury being unable to hold it in whilst stuck in a jam on the way down to Cornwall once, she was literally crying and we had no choice but to stop so she could run into the woods beside the dual carriage way, turns out she was in full sight of a framer in his tractor. She was mortified. We had a few close shaves with the sprogs over the years, so much so that I considered lugging some kind of travel bog around in the boot but fortunately we seem to be past that now.

So you were just full of shit?

I quite like Gwyneth Paltrow, I know she's a fruitcake but still.

I told you to eat a vegetable, Michael.

Start slow though, ain't getting an aubergine up there in a hurry unless your A n E department isn't busy

Mind you I can’t talk. I just had a squeaker.

A bag of cheap off-brand gummi bears all stuck together into the shape of a potato counts as a potato.

Yikes sounds grim. Hope you're feeling a bit better today.


I'm dieting, which for some reason makes me constipated (which I'm prone to anyway with IBS-C). I basically take 1 sachet of movicol every morning to keep things moving, but with a bit of calorie reduction I've got nothing.

Now on day 4 now and starting to feel it.

Let’s just say it’s not any better. Woken up at 5 to the youngest having shit the bed (luckily mostly contained), the wife’s been caught short a few times and, just when I thought my cramps had gone, cue 3 or 4 liquid shots in the space of 2 hours.

I’m going to bleach the fuck out of everything once this passes. Seeing as how it’s spread between all of us it has to be something infectious rather than simple food poisoning. 😩

While my 20 month old is bunged up again and only passing tiny little stools, I just went out for a walk and had the stomach gurgle of doom. If I were wearing a wedding dress, it would have been eerily similar to that scene in Bridesmaids.

My partner’s brother and sister-in-law are visiting at the moment as well. Brilliant. I can only thank the God of butt stuff that they weren’t with me at the time.

I'm getting liquid gold.

Which is nice.

I enjoy farting even more than shitting, but since my little sharting incident (at home thankfully) lost trust in my rectum. Are there any therapists (analrapists?) specializing in restoring that most special bond?