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Post by quadfather on Sept 5, 2024 18:02:42 GMT
It's just I did exactly the same when my dad died.
My brain wouldn't accept it, even though logically, I knew it had happened.
It took some counselling in the end to make me finally realise that there wasn't anything to fix. It isn't something i can apply a solution to. Because it's just something that happens in life.
I was 'swirling around' like you mention, because I myself had put a mental block in my mind that wasn't letting me move on. It was maddening and I thought I was losing my mind.
When I came to this realisation (which was gained by talking to a counsellor about it, completely openly), I managed to accept that I could not fix this situation, and instead I must learn to live with it, which I am still doing.
But it removed that block, which is the main thing.
Does any of that resonate with you?
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addyb
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Post by addyb on Sept 5, 2024 18:19:18 GMT
I think so. With my girls and then having various health issues I've basically just wrapped myself in a shell and struggle to see out of it now. I've basically no life these days, or at least it feels that way. My marriage is strained due to the constant stress we are both under, I'm not in contact with any friends, I don't mention anything to my siblings and I'm in a constant flux of being upset over my girls current and future situation.
What I started doing years ago was just buying loads of shit to get that endorphin hit and make me feel distracted from it all. I've found this is just the equivalent of putting a band aid on a cut that needs stitches (if that makes sense) and as time has gone on, the buying of things remains the same, but the excitement pangs are less and less.
It's hit a point now where I just can't think straight and it's why I've taken some time off work as I cannot concentrate and that's had a knock on effect where I'm self doubting my abilities and feel like I'm the weak link of the team.
I guess I just have to concentrate on the positives when they happen and stop being fixated on problems and ignore what I think other people's perceptions of me are.
Sorry that's a bit of a ramble.
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wunty
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Post by wunty on Sept 5, 2024 20:08:05 GMT
Jambo and Addy this is all very familiar. I think as people we naturally reach this point in life and just begin to buckle under the weight of everything. When you consider everything over the years that’s piled on top of us, and we get to this stage and stand back to look at ourselves. It’s difficult to match what we see and the pressure we feel with our expectations. That’s how I find it anyway. I’d it a surprise that we then realise we need a bit of help? As far as I can see it, even by externalising it in here, speaking about it, we’re doing a good thing. There are other good things that we can do, and some of us are (doctors/meds/group sessions), but the first thing. The main thing. That’s recognising we’re not feeling right. Admitting that it’s difficult. So even just in here, in this far flung crevice of the internet, it can be the first stage, or any stage, to beginning to take action and get ourselves out of the ever expanding hole. Talking. It’s good. Hope you’re all okay this evening, and if not, remember this place is right here for getting what’s in your head out in the open.
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Post by Jambowayoh on Sept 5, 2024 20:09:06 GMT
Thanks man that made sense it really did. I forget how much time I rarely spend caring for myself, I'm very happy to give advice out and try to help people put when push comes to shove I'm usually the last person I think about. I'm the only who puts on pressure on myself and I don't know why, I understand that something in my brain definitely changed when I reached 40, I felt like time was running out and everything I'd done upto this point was worthless, I still feel that. I try not to compare my life trajectory to other people as that leads to ruin but I've found it a bit harder than usual to ignore that nonsense. I'm just tired boss. So tired.
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wunty
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Post by wunty on Sept 5, 2024 20:15:49 GMT
The 40 thing is real. I had a really dark moment when I turned 40 and still dip down there. I need to keep busy. Keep distracted. So long as stuff is going on, it’s fine. One day I’ll address this shit but so long as there’s shit to do, I can cope.
Sometimes it’s just that though isn’t it. To echo the previous page points: there’s nothing to fix. Maybe it’s just finding the right thing at the time to keep us going.
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addyb
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Post by addyb on Sept 5, 2024 20:28:41 GMT
Thanks man that made sense it really did. I forget how much time I rarely spend caring for myself, I'm very happy to give advice out and try to help people put when push comes to shove I'm usually the last person I think about. I'm the only who puts on pressure on myself and I don't know why, I understand that something in my brain definitely changed when I reached 40, I felt like time was running out and everything I'd done upto this point was worthless, I still feel that. I try not to compare my life trajectory to other people as that leads to ruin but I've found it a bit harder than usual to ignore that nonsense. I'm just tired boss. So tired. "Comparison is the thief of Joy" as they say |
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Post by Danno on Sept 5, 2024 20:38:13 GMT
Thanks man that made sense it really did. I forget how much time I rarely spend caring for myself, I'm very happy to give advice out and try to help people put when push comes to shove I'm usually the last person I think about. I'm the only who puts on pressure on myself and I don't know why, I understand that something in my brain definitely changed when I reached 40, I felt like time was running out and everything I'd done upto this point was worthless, I still feel that. I try not to compare my life trajectory to other people as that leads to ruin but I've found it a bit harder than usual to ignore that nonsense. I'm just tired boss. So tired. You doing better today dude? Can you take some Me Time to rest up a bit? |
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Post by Jambowayoh on Sept 5, 2024 20:50:43 GMT
Thanks man that made sense it really did. I forget how much time I rarely spend caring for myself, I'm very happy to give advice out and try to help people put when push comes to shove I'm usually the last person I think about. I'm the only who puts on pressure on myself and I don't know why, I understand that something in my brain definitely changed when I reached 40, I felt like time was running out and everything I'd done upto this point was worthless, I still feel that. I try not to compare my life trajectory to other people as that leads to ruin but I've found it a bit harder than usual to ignore that nonsense. I'm just tired boss. So tired. You doing better today dude? Can you take some Me Time to rest up a bit? I've been playing some Monster Hunter world just to clear my mind with some podcasts in the background. It staves off reality for a bit but I know I can't really escape. I've put the ideation to bed and still a bit perturbed how it came so easily. In the meantime I need to put an action plan into gear in figuring what I want and what I can get realistically, I should expect an answer from the Taiwan job probably early next week or maybe in a couple of days and take it from there. How are you anyway? You have chat with work tomorrow right, what's the plan of action? |
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Post by Jambowayoh on Sept 5, 2024 20:51:58 GMT
Thanks man that made sense it really did. I forget how much time I rarely spend caring for myself, I'm very happy to give advice out and try to help people put when push comes to shove I'm usually the last person I think about. I'm the only who puts on pressure on myself and I don't know why, I understand that something in my brain definitely changed when I reached 40, I felt like time was running out and everything I'd done upto this point was worthless, I still feel that. I try not to compare my life trajectory to other people as that leads to ruin but I've found it a bit harder than usual to ignore that nonsense. I'm just tired boss. So tired. "Comparison is the thief of Joy" as they say It really is. I'm pissed off with myself for discounting everything I've achieved and gone through. |
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Post by Danno on Sept 5, 2024 21:05:38 GMT
Nah I'm out til Monday realistically, the panics set in hard and I'm either in fight or flight or totally exhausted
If you want some backup on MHW (playstation) over the weekend lemme know
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Post by Jambowayoh on Sept 5, 2024 21:17:01 GMT
Will do. I've already done it all on xbox back in the day I'm just rediscovering it all over again and its absolute bullshit of animation above everything else.
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Post by Danno on Sept 5, 2024 21:48:45 GMT
Here for you dude
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Post by Jambowayoh on Sept 5, 2024 21:52:25 GMT
Back at you.
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Post by Danno on Sept 5, 2024 23:00:32 GMT
Thank you
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Post by quadfather on Sept 6, 2024 8:06:09 GMT
It happens again at 50, btw  But the older you get, the more you start shedding the pointless stuff to worry about, so there's that. I'm happy to plod along now and just enjoy things in the moment more now I've had a huge burnout period. It puts things into perspective. Quitting a stressful job whilst accepting traumatic events in life was probably my first positive step tbh |
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Post by Dougs on Sept 6, 2024 8:44:22 GMT
I am very lucky that so far (touch wood) I haven't suffered from depression or anxiety. I do occasionally find myself in some kind of fugue state, where my mood is so awful and low, I can't see the wood for the trees. This is a particular issue when dealing with the kids as I act irrationally. It's usually short lived though. No idea what that is.
I certainly recognise some of the issues with grief though. I still can't fully move on from my mum, even 18 months later. I think this is because the house hasn't sold and we still haven't sorted her ashes out. It's just closure I'm after I think.
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Post by zisssou on Sept 6, 2024 9:24:14 GMT
Yeah, I don't think anyone can be truly fixed, when you have mental health problems. Thinking or wanting to be fixed adds more undue pressure and stress imo. I think the mindset of making it manageable is more healthy. I know for me I've had plenty of confidence, anxiety problems, that'll probably never go away, but if I get a thought of knocked confidence, or feeling anxious, I can flick through my head and go.. yeah that's fairly irrational and this is why. Although I'm nowhere near that at the moment..
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Post by zisssou on Sept 6, 2024 9:25:06 GMT
Also think what quaddy said ages ago. Writing down everything is a god send. Do it right now. Your brain has enough going on to process things and writing them down is key to getting better.
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Post by harrypalmer on Sept 6, 2024 9:25:43 GMT
I am very lucky that so far (touch wood) I haven't suffered from depression or anxiety. I do occasionally find myself in some kind of fugue state, where my mood is so awful and low, I can't see the wood for the trees. This is a particular issue when dealing with the kids as I act irrationally. It's usually short lived though. No idea what that is. That describes me perfectly too, although I do suffer from anxiety. What made me take action was when I realised that I'd act very unfairly and irrationally towards my son when he was acting up, and I'd feel terrible afterwards. Still not got to the bottom of it but therapy has at least helped me notice the triggers and I can normally roll it back. |
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Post by quadfather on Sept 6, 2024 10:13:40 GMT
Also think what quaddy said ages ago. Writing down everything is a god send. Do it right now. Your brain has enough going on to process things and writing them down is key to getting better. It's effective isn't it? I still look back at stuff I've written |
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wunty
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Post by wunty on Sept 6, 2024 10:18:12 GMT
Writing is good. I need to get back to writing. Whilst not specifically the same thing, I wrote fiction, which helped as I could "channel" the shit into whatever I was writing, which seemed to be similarly cathartic.
Even if not writing it down specifically, posting in here can have a similar effect. The key is getting it out your head and in front of you. You can detach yourself from it instead of trying to suppress it or keep it all to yourself, which is infinitely more harmful imo.
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Post by skalpadda on Sept 6, 2024 18:16:06 GMT
I am very lucky that so far (touch wood) I haven't suffered from depression or anxiety. I do occasionally find myself in some kind of fugue state, where my mood is so awful and low, I can't see the wood for the trees. This is a particular issue when dealing with the kids as I act irrationally. It's usually short lived though. No idea what that is. I certainly recognise some of the issues with grief though. I still can't fully move on from my mum, even 18 months later. I think this is because the house hasn't sold and we still haven't sorted her ashes out. It's just closure I'm after I think. Could it be an unconcious way of avoiding anxiety? It's not uncommon when you're depressed or feel angst building up to act in ways you can't even recognise when you feel more "normal".
On the general topic of "fixing" yourself - everyone is a bit broken and nobody can live up to the expectations that are built up for us. We have a society where it's literally impossible to be an "ideal" person, and we tend to put even higher expectations on ourselves than we do on others. I don't think I know anyone who hasn't gone through one or several bouts of depression, most of them very nice people with nice lives. It's just not reasonable to think a majority of the population has something fundamentally wrong with their heads, but we still feel (and are often treated) as if it's a personal failing to be depressed and anxious.
Depression and anxiety often can't be outright beaten (to the point where you don't have to worry about them again), but they can at least be manageable. I got a proper evaluation for the first time a couple of years ago, and diagnoses that went to the roots of my problems rather than the symptoms. It made me accept that I'm never going to fundamentally change - I'll always have trouble with certain things even if I think they should be obvious or easy on an intellectual level. It wasn't easy information to take in at first, but it's a good thing because I can focus on adjusting my behaviour and environment in ways that actually work instead of constantly bashing my head against the wall of inadequacy. Also meds that actually help.
I'm definitely not great all the time, but the pitch-black despair has become pretty rare, and there are a bunch of practical things I can do when I start to slip. Strategies I can use to lessen anxiety in everyday life, and it's easier to tell people that I simply can't do X or Y but I'll be happy to do Z instead.
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Post by quadfather on Sept 6, 2024 18:25:43 GMT
skalpadda Yeah, I can definitely relate to looking at the root of stuff instead of the symptoms. It's all too easy to avoid the symptoms and just try to crack on, but as harsh as it is, the root causes are the ones to focus on. It's the only way to make any kind of progress I find. And I'm the same as you - there are things that have irreversibly changed me now and I'll never be able to 'fix' them, because they aren't things that can be fixed. Then again, I irreversibly changed my brain when I took over 350 acid tabs in the 90s, so I don't really have a grasp on what 'normal' is anymore tbh. I just try to not be a cunt basically.
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Post by skalpadda on Sept 6, 2024 18:52:15 GMT
I just try to not be a cunt basically. Good words to live by in general.
Sometimes the symptoms are the right things to deal with. If you're going through things like bereavement or some other practical life crisis that will pass or can be fixed there's often not much else you can do. Short term medication, counseling and practical support can be enough to keep you doing things you have to and not make it worse (or keep you from doing things that make it worse). Lessening anxiety and depression can give you room to grieve or allow you to sort out your job, economy or family issues, for example.
But yeah, if you're going year-in and year-out feeling like shit there's something that needs to be identified and either dealt with or adapted to.
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Post by quadfather on Sept 7, 2024 9:48:18 GMT
I just try to not be a cunt basically. Good words to live by in general.
Sometimes the symptoms are the right things to deal with. If you're going through things like bereavement or some other practical life crisis that will pass or can be fixed there's often not much else you can do. Short term medication, counseling and practical support can be enough to keep you doing things you have to and not make it worse (or keep you from doing things that make it worse). Lessening anxiety and depression can give you room to grieve or allow you to sort out your job, economy or family issues, for example.
But yeah, if you're going year-in and year-out feeling like shit there's something that needs to be identified and either dealt with or adapted to.
It's tricky though identifying what's going on sometimes. Take bereavement. That introduces grief. Grief can come and go, but it can also stay forever. I know for a fact I'll always have grief for my parents until I die. It's just something you have to learn to adapt to live with. It can't be removed in any way, so it's more a case of accepting the new reality rather than treating it. But yeah, if you're in a malaise all the time about something else, than thats something that needs looking at imo. |
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Post by drakeypoos on Oct 11, 2024 11:31:16 GMT
Sorry for the typical essay in advance.
I reached a stage yesterday where I woke up and told myself that I am fed up of being depressed. It took until the end of the day to actually get there, and was doubtless helped by the fact I’m on leave now until 21st.
Had a wobble when I realised that I had some training (I’d asked for) slap bang in the middle of this holiday. Firstly, f*ck, if I do it I’m interrupting my holiday. Secondly, as it’s government funded I was supposed to have filled in some assessment tasks and hadn’t, so thought I was in for a telling off too.
The root cause of my current mood IS work. I have two jobs to apply for and I’ve tried this week and just can’t make any words flow. I’ve made a determination that I have to just deal with work for the time being, and that I will complete these applications over the weekend without any pressure from my job. Even if I don’t get shortlisted, which I’m half expecting, I can tell myself I did something about it and that it’s a process. Ditto to going in to this training (which has now been sorted) - even if it’s a bit Micky Mouse I have something to add to a CV or talk about in a covering letter. I’ve decided that I am going to take from work instead of just giving and this part of my process.
The remaining fear at work is my team being scrapped and them trying to redeploy me in a role I just know I can’t hack instead of paying me. Currently this a fear and a suspicion rather than a reality so I’m going to acknowledge that I don’t like stuff but actually find the drive to get doing escape stuff. I’m telling myself that I *can’t* wait for the closure of escaping a situation to allow myself to feel better. Instead, I’m going to try to feel better in the knowledge that I’m doing stuff about it and have jumped on the train - it just might take a while.
I also jumped on a literal train today and had a mooch solo in the city centre. There’s something very calming about an off peak train and watching the greenery, mills, hills and towns pass by. I actually got out of the living room to driving to the corner shop routine. And I walked back from the station. I had a parka on and was not prepared for the inclines on the route I took so I looked like fucking Phil Mitchell when I got back. I definitely have serious fitness and cardio issues which would surprise nobody who knows how I live. I haven’t exercised realistically in months. But half dead on the chaise lounge with a pint of Vimto, as I recovered I felt those endorphins kick in. I’ve realised my head has felt physically pressed and tight for weeks and as I sit typing this it’s lifted for the first time in a long time.
I’m not trying to do some bullshit ‘mindset/exercise your way out of depression’ thing here (I think that can be really dangerous and cunty) but for this, what I would call ‘situational’ depression, I think I can make some choices, be kinder to myself and shift focus.
Keep fighting brothers and sisters*
*we know there are no sisters here don’t we
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Post by peacemaker on Oct 11, 2024 11:36:49 GMT
Hope it goes well for you and you get the job.
Re fitness yeah it is one of the best things I find for when you are feeling down. Problem is when you are that low it feels like an impossible task to start but I just force myself to and after you feel just so much better for it and what ever was stressing you earlier is now not quite as bad. Yeah the stress is still there but it somehow feels more manageable when before it felt insurmountable. Also getting on that train and seeing the world also helps stimulate the stressed/bored mins of its routine.
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Post by freddiemercurystwin on Oct 11, 2024 11:39:34 GMT
Well I'm no good at the depression advice frankly but going by how you've written your thoughtful musings you seem to be well equipped to get those applications written up.
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Post by drakeypoos on Oct 11, 2024 11:44:48 GMT
Well I'm no good at the depression advice frankly but going by how you've written your thoughtful musings you seem to be well equipped to get those applications written up. If you mean well equipped to spin and lie about my experience maybe ha. I actually did get an application done in August which I thought was fucking great and not a sausage. It’s a brutal process. Anyway, time to clean up the house a bit. |
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wunty
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Post by wunty on Oct 11, 2024 12:21:53 GMT
Good on you for writing that down drake. I always think the first thing to do is recognise how you're feeling and articulate that in some fashion. Writing it down is great, as it gets it all out your head where it festers and grows into a big horrific jumble and actually becomes something a bit more coherent and, dare I say it, manageable.
All the best with the job stuff and keep writing stuff here if you need to.
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