Tough Day at Work…

I've gone into a real slump at work, which is understandable considering what I've been through the last few months. I've been in communication with my team leader throughout saying to her that I'm somewhat struggling with my mood, and that I'm seeking some bereavement counselling.
The problem is the machine keeps on rolling. Despite what you tell people, sympathy only goes as far. I get arsey messages saying why have I missed X and why didn't I pick up this. Why do you think? Of course the simple thing would be to have an honest conversation and air grievances, but I just can't be bothered. Just a fucking jobsworth that seems to only care about work.

When I recruit I use the exact same script and questions with everybody to avoid bias. If I'm talking to a lot of people, it's hard to not get a bit robotic....

Yeah, I'd find it quite easy to connect to my age white guys with similar backgrounds...

Yes, that's completely understandable considering what's happened. 

Have you had any bereavement leave from work? And what has your line manager said about it, if anything?

I got signed off from work by my GP for bereavement. It was, in my case at least, a one way ticket as I ended up taking a lot of time off (3 months), but that was because it was also combined with burnout.

But in your case, I would communicate with your leader and be up front about it. This is a simple job we're talking about here, which pales into insignificance when compared to a bereavement loss. 

And is it just the one person that's being an insensitive twat, or is it everyone?

Are you sure you're not being interviewed by robots? Is one of the questions "where are your other humans hiding?"

I think the guy today was king of the robots.

Civil service interviews are not like others though. Very big on unconscious bias, fairness and equality, hence the need to stick to a script. It's boring but at least ensures everyone gets the same experience.

Yes, playing games and distracting yourself can be productive, but equally, focusing on something (like work) can also be productive too. A bit of both can be even better.

Yes, my 3 months off were invaluable, but it was a slightly difference scenario - I was burnt out and every bit of stress I had thrown at me just triggered a trauma episode each time which dragged everything up again - I was basically out of energy full stop, and could barely function. 3 months later, and I've made the u-turn to start restoring everything again. It's like turning the titanic around. It takes a while.

That's good that she's understanding. That's a great start, and it sounds like when she's abrupt, it's probably because she's getting shit from above, so she's stressed too, and will occasionally forget that she's not going through what you're going through. 

Are you doing your work ok? I mean, be honest - can you do it ok, and these annoying twats are just getting to you more often than before because you're under the weather, or are you struggling with it regardless?

Does it feel like it's getting better, staying the same, or getting worse over time?

[/quote]That's great you've managed to make a u-turn.

I'm capable of doing my job. I just find sometimes my mind goes completely blank, and takes me a while to figure stuff out, which I can only assume it's everything that's going on having an impact. I think also part of a bigger issue is confidence. I've lost it somewhat along the way, so I question my ability, then whenever someone might make a dig (or I take it as a dig), then it stresses me out and causes me to sink deeper. 

I think it's been pretty similar for a while now, which only counselling can help. But of course I have to wait for that.. 




[/quote]


It's an ongoing u-turn, but cheers regardless

Ah, that all sounds very familiar indeed!

Yes, I think I understand what you're saying. The blank mind thing is real - your brain is processing so much, that you'll occasionally 'switch off' for a minute and then come back and go, 'the fuck was I doing? What does this mean again, I can't work it out" etc.

It's like your cpu is having to borrow some core memory from somewhere else and/or can't cope with the amount of stuff at that very minute. Like a video game where it drops its fps in busy sections.

And that knocks your confidence a bit. By the way you come across and notice all these things makes me realise you're in touch with what's going on and why, it's just the ballache of actually having to go through it yourself. And because you're that way, you'll write what you've just written and question yourself.

Welcome to the party, pal

And that lack of confidence, in turn, will make comments that your co-workers said stick a bit more.

I'd say you're on the right track tbh. Your brain knows what to do - you've got to let it do it and make sure you're in good health to do so. That's why everyone says to make sure you look after yourself in times like these - it's your turn now to prop your brain up while it sorts the stuff out, and that takes valuable cpu time.

I can tell you something that really helped me and I had no idea at the time how useful it would be, but when I was feeling particularly wretched/stressed/whatever, I'd write down at the time what it was.

Then I'd do it again, months later.

I kept doing this for months and then I read back from the initial one. Its staggering how much you change. You don't realise it at the time because you're living every moment of it so it's super tiny increments. But give it a go, you might be pleasantly surprised.

And i think the counselling will be invaluable too. It definitely was for me. Life changing, in fact. And you can always go private. About £45 a lesson

Anytime! It's good I find, to talk about things like this openly like any other normal topic. Helps make it real, no matter what medium.

Yeah, I'd recommend giving the writing thing a go. Also helps you focus in the moment too. All win/win stuff

Flip sake, hope all goes well.

Good luck lizard. Worrying times but sure there's demand for your speciality.

Hope it goes ok Lizard.

Meanwhile, new nhs job starts tomorrow so I'm preparing properly, in an adult way by having some beers in the sun early doors.

Cheers!