Depression

You did well getting on the train and you did well on the train for 45 minutes. That might not sound great to you, but it is progress. If you start seeing it as getting worse and that your life is fucked, then your brain will be only too happy to oblige and fill in the gaps for you. Your brain is reacting to your response to the emotions you're getting and those emotions are "just" feelings" which are "just chemicals". They can't make you do things, only you can. They and this situation do not define you.

What I found helped when I was last having a panic attack on a flight to the US was counting backwards slowly from 1000. When I got to zero I counted again. I think I learn't that in a self hypnosis book by Mckenna. It worked thankfully. I think the idea was that you told yourself you were going down deeper into sleep or something. Basically it was anythng to stop thinking about the emotions going through me.

These days, I either ignore the panic or I take deep breaths. What I recently learnt is that if you deal with the pycical aspect (clenched jaw / tight shoulders) then it affects the emotional side. I didn't know that and it works. I find just "uncurling" helps my stress. Deep breathing (focusing on the outbreath (in to a count of 4, out to a count of 6)) kicks in the body's sympathetic nervous system which puts calming chemicals through the body. That's scientific fact, so next time, try that as it will work.

Also, don't forget you were not always like this and you will not always be like it. This will pass, just like the panicky feelings on the train would have passed. They would have felt bad, but they have a finite length as the body can't keep pumping chemicals out ad infinitum.

Take care.

Mindfullness and strategic breathing is something you can look into while waiting for counseling. There's plenty of information about them online. It can be difficult to focus at first but pratice and it'll become easier. Eventually, you'll be able to do it anywhere, whenever you need it.

The idea behind strategic breathing is pretty straight forward, you want to reduce the oxygen in your body (to bring down your heart rate) by breathing in through your nose (count to 4), hold it for 2 seconds, then breathe out through your mouth (count to 5). It doesn't have to be those exact timings; find what you're comfortable with

well, it's taken weeks and weeks, but i finally found a private psychiatrist willing to help support my early retirement application...she was lovely and it went very well...was nice to talk it through with someone who then said 'you're just very ill, aren't you?'...just to have someone recognise it, rather than all the faffing around and door-closing i've had to deal with...she's going to complete the form supporting my application, to go with my other evidence, and also write to my gp about confirming necessary medication changes and that therapy etc should be at a much higher level than it is at present (i'm in the middle of silvercloud online) - basically that my current treatment isn't sufficient, which i basically knew...thank goodness that's done, glad i kept pushing to find someone now

so, yes, confirmed that i'm fucked mentally (she's estimated 3-4 years for a potential recovery) but i just hold onto the fact that this is the start of something, not the end

made up for the fact i got my letter today about going onto half-pay soon (+ssp)...though she has also recommended i apply for pip, which will hopefully help a bit...

That's good news (well, it isn't but you know). I found speaking to people who just said "that sounds awful" really helped and made me realise that it wasn't all in my head (well it was, but again you know).

I hope the treatment they put you on helps and you're soon on the road to recovery. Yes it takes a while to get back to "normal", but it tends to take a while to get there in the first place.

So the only way is up now

It's not anywhere near the same level as you, at all, but when I found a doctor finally willing to listen to me last year, and take appropriate action, and one who actually kept me informed and spoke to me about everything. The difference was night and day, so I can empathise even slightly with how you now much feel knowing that there is some validation given to what you are experiencing. 

I'm so glad you kept going, kept trying to find someone who would listen to you and act with your best interests at heart. It sounds like you now have a path forward. Not an easy one, but there's one marked there that you can follow one step at a time.

I can sort of relate.

I was engaged to someone I'd been with for ten years in the end, but it was never quite right. She was the love of my life, but nothing was ever good enough for her and I'd need to be Professor X to anticipate what she wanted me to do. It ended, I lost what little stake I had in a nice house, my dog, ended up house sharing again with a combination of housemates that left for work at 6am or got home from work to cook stinky, stinky food at 2am.

I met someone a lot like me in outlook, interests, and for want of a better word, general vibe, soon after that. We initially bonded over a VGcats comic and things went haywire from there. Been together almost 5yeats now.

Admittedly She's moving out in March but that's mostly a reflection of us being in the same room for 24 hours a day for nearly 2 years solid, plus my mental state just over a year ago, we both just need some space.

They're out there Jambo, however weird you are (I'm plenty weird, I can't look people in the eye unless I'm going to fight them or fuck them). Maybe you're looking in the wrong places

Anyway, you seem like a cool guy and you must be attractive to have had a shot with the ladies. Don't get discouraged too much dude. No-one is meant to be alone, especially decent people

FWIW, I do assume Jambo to be mad sexy to get all the pretty Spanish ladies.

I have experience of that take take attitude.

Thanks Danno, hope things get a bit more clearer for you.

Likewise man, you deserve better, and it will happen

I don't think anyone is meant to be alone and I don't think anyone is doomed to attract a certain type. It might feel like it when you're on your own and over analysing, but it's not the case.

You need to keep putting yourself out there and you'll eventually find someone who you can tolerate and week can tolerate you. I'm not saying love because that stuff fades, but if you can find someone who can put up with the weirdness that is you and who you can put up with their oddities, then that's a good thing.

It can be a real rollercoaster finding someone though. I've been with some real oddballs - as have some of the women I've been with. You just need to be a bit careful about falling for someone before you know all about them, which is easier said than done. But there are normalish people out there and if you date enough people, you'll eventually find one. Hopefully you can then put up with each other... Or you can buy earplugs.🙂

I'm not a great person to live with, but I've managed to find someone who thinks the good outweighs the bad at least most of the time and they're sticking around and they make me smile more than they annoy me.

Anyway, it hurts splitting up and it's painful when you realise you've got a live one, but get through it and get looking again and learn from the last one. You're getting older sure, but hopefully a little wiser. I know my younger self would have doomed me to virginity, so it's a good job were learn. I was such a pillock. Shy with tons of religious guilt.

Anyway, you'll find someone. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but keep looking and you will.

That reminds me, when I met my wife, after a while I wrote her a long email which told her all my bad points and all the things I've regretted and done wrong. I didn't want her finding out anything down the line and thinking what the hell had she got into.

Not sure I'd recommend that is for most people, but I'm glad I did it...as I can now say "well I did warn you" in a really smug manner. But then, I warned her that I can be annoyingly smug at times 😉

My view on relationships is that you can only really be happy if you are happy with yourself. In my late 20s I had a pretty tumultuous and toxic relationship that was full of drama, make ups/break ups etc (and accusations of not doing enough etc) which only lasted about 2 years but was absolutely exhausting. Eventually I had had enough and got out of dodge. I then spent probably the next 3 years just being by myself, enjoying doing what I wanted to do (which was mostly drink heavily tbf). I was lucky I had some great mates around me. It was only after I'd sorted myself out that I was able to pick up the pieces again.

TL;DR - do you first before anything else.