Depression

Thanks Dr. Deleted my post as I felt people have probably heard enough of my bleating about first world problems. Just feel ashamed I can't just be normal and not panic. I wish I could just stop feeling like this.

Thanks for your words. You've gone through a hell of a lot and you're still there for your daughter, so don't knock yourself. She doesn't need perfect, she needs you. Although I know catastrophising is common, you will get there, as will I.

What Gremmi said. Don't be hard on yourself, you can't be any harder on yourself than I am on me.

Stick at it dude. It's awful, but it'll be worth it once your gaba levels settle down.

Are you taking vitamins and eating well? If nothing else a vitamin B complex should help a bit - booze starves your body of the stuff. You can take a big-ish dose as you'll excrete any excess ( with the side effect of making the loo smell of marmite when you pee)

Are you getting treated for the anx and depression at the same time?

This as well. If you'd prefer an actual chat I'd be more than happy to give you my Discord

Thanks. Just panicking a bit as I don't want to let my family down. They depend on me.

I just want to be back to how I was, when my body didn't feel like I was stepping off a cliff all the time and where I don't want to hide from things. I can't stop the worrying. Even now, I can hear a sound that might or might not be dripping water, so my brain is catastrophising about it and at the same time it's panicking about this interview. There's a bit of me in there that's keeping it together and that knows it's an over active amygdala and that it will pass, but it's hard

Pills have not worked unfortunately (ADs do nothing positive for me and beta blockers stop my breathing (due to my asthma). I'm supposed to have had proper counseling years ago but NHS cutbacks stopped that. I had some emergency counseling in the past and was nearly admitted on a psych ward. I paid for counseling twice myself, though money is tight, but I was unfortunate with the counselors.

I manage to keep together with mindfulness and exercise usually, but I think with the job situation, the last couple of years and how unsettling everything has been, coupled with how old I look in the mirror now, it's just a bit hard.

Last night one of my aloof cats could tell I wasn't in a good place and he curled up next to me. They don't usually do that unless we need it. That helped and he slept against me all night which helped too.

Right. I need a drink (no caffeine) and to get some breakfast. I've got lots of interest from recruiters. I've got a loving and supportive family (they know about my problems I was very honest with my wife when we met) and it seems like I've got this place. Thanks. I'll get there. To be honest, I'm amazed I'm still going, I look so damn old.

Right, thanks guys. Waking (fearfully) and refreshing this page and seeing comments and that they were positive was a great start. I've even forgotten that dripping noise.

I wish my brain would calm down. I'm good at what I do and I'm getting lots of interest in a busy market and I've 4 months to get a job and things are looking positive to date. But still I'm like someone whose just quit a 20 cup of coffee a day addiction.

I'll be better at 1pm (interview will be done and meeting with CTO will be over). I'll give myself a treat of some kind when I get there. Either a quick bath or kill some Greeks, though I suspect my wife will want me to go for a walk.

Right, game face on.

Hope you guys are doing okay. I try to help here and elsewhere on the site. I know I've not got the answers or I'd not be where I am, but I try and help. Sometimes I think I come over as an opinionated self important prick, but that's not me. I'm still the little 5 year old who used to run through the long grasses in Brunei and that kid is wondering how much longer he can keep pretending he's a grown up before someone notices! 🙂

I long ago stopped pretending to be a grown up.

I'm going to batter you. Stop thinking you're being a burden. You need to post it all. It's part of your process and I think it helps you to put things down where you can look at it. Writing things down and getting them out your head is actually a very constructive thing to do. It makes all the noise in your head into something tangible that you can then look at from a new angle, and quite often deal with in a more logical manner. The plus side about doing that here, is that you can also let others see it objectively and offer support as well, which is a bonus on top. At the very least, writing it down is a GOOD thing.

Enjoy your walk, glad the anxiety inducing part of your day is over and I'm sure you were brilliant.

Got my contract through, which is a good thing, but my anxiety kicked in and replayed losing the offer last year and and... Then I worried about the many clauses in the contract and that various benefits can be withdrawn by the providing companies (health care, life insurance etc) and I worried that my anxiety and depression will stop me getting them. I then worried that hybrid working would actually be the days in the office that said and my line manager is someone different to who I expected.

I'm tired though and I know that in the light of the morning I'll feel better and that this is my brain just doing what it does which is panic. Doesn't make it easier now though. I'll meditate and hopefully that will help.

Yep I know. I'm posting more for that reason. I know my anxiety makes no sense. It's just my brain doing it's thing rather than any logical reason. Getting the contract through its a good thing, but still my brain looks for the cracks.

I'll get it fixed with time.

Yep I'm UK based and yep, that's what my ever suffering wife said. She keeps me sane (ish).

usually comes as part of the mortgage deal and failing that, Death in Service (so make damn sure to conk on on the clock)

Awesome news. Genuinely happy for you and as a fellow anxiety sufferer I know how stupid brain farts work. So stress away, but objectively it is a good step.

On my side, 23 days I think sober now. Brain seems to be starting to adjust, panic attacks subsiding, and while I don't feel great I am not anxious 24/7, so getting there.

So 8 days without needing diazapam, no panic attacks etc so feeling better. So decided to visit my brother and niece/nephew for a few days. 45 minutes on the train and full anxiety kicks in, am a mess and had to get off the train in a village middle of fucking nowhere. Now I am fucked, can't force myself to get back on a train and have no clue what to do.

I fucking hate my life. I thought after a month sober and being healthy I would be getting better, but now I have gone from not being able to get on transcontinental flights, to not being able to do a fucking 2 hour train trip.

@ryands Was there something specific that kicked off the panic attack at the 45 minute mark or had it been building since you got on?