Depression

We’re ok, thanks

Sometimes the rollercoaster is worse than the permanent depression…you don’t know where you are from one day to the next…

Just same old to be honest. I've had it for so long I can't even recall when it started. It sort of results in my mania for doing stuff. I then get obsessed with whatever it is to quell the fluctuating tides of shit but then I kind of lose control after a while. It's ups and downs and I'm just reaching the point that I'm fed up with it.

Constantly. But also other things. Distracting myself with more games now. But I’ll feel shit after. Should stop. But… distractions.

I’ve got stuff to focus on in the next few weeks. Good things. So I’m going to focus on that.

I agree wholeheartedly with Danno above. It's clear that there is something making you want to distract yourself because you don't want to look at that underlying thing

But look at it you must. You can't run away from yourself.

I am *constantly* looking for stuff to distract me at the minute because I'm not working so I'm anxious about bills etc.

But the thing here is, I know what the root cause is and I know what to do about it.

So, what's your root cause and what are you going to do about it?

Right. So is it either stick with the rollercoaster or see if a different referral could help?

I honestly didn't think a counsellor would do anything for me when I lost both my parents. I mean, what they hell can they do about dead people?

And yet what actually happened was that I just ended up going through absolutely everything with the counsellor.

This went on for a few months and then all of a sudden, whilst driving over to see the counsellor again, something just happened in my head. I can't really describe it, but the closest I can try is that it made me finally fucking realise that I was trying to fix something that cannot be fixed or changed.

I don't think I would have ever come to that result without this counsellor.

So maybe it's someone else that needs to provide a different angle to think about, as like me, you've only got your own thought process and perception going on. Someone else's might help make you realise.

Massively underrated word, realisation.

When I went to my doctor first, he offered antidepressants or a referral to a counsellor. I took the referral option but didn't actually do anything. Instead I spoke to my sister who is a counsellor. She said that what you might be better off doing is looking online for a counsellor instead and just go private.

The way it worked for me is you browse through the ones that are suitable for you (some deal with bereavement, some deal with abuse, some deal with multiple things etc so you select the one that's most relevant.)

It's like picking a pawn in dragons dogma to complement the party in a way.

Anyway, after that I emailed them and they arranged to call me back for a brief introduction to see if she could help me or not.

Had the call, explained as best I could what was going on, and she said she could help me and it was now up to me.

I said yes, and then I visited her at her counsellor house and you just sit in a room with her, and chat. It's all a little odd at first, but once you start talking, you end up just coming out with stuff, and the hour is over before you've blinked. I wanted longer!! But had to wait till the next weeks session.

Did that and it took about 5 or 6 sessions and it was honestly life changing.

This was about 5 or 6 years ago now and the sessions were £45 I think. Personally, looking back, I'd pay £450 a session, as it's a permanent life changing positive experience.

I'd definitely recommend at least doing the initial brief introduction to see if you both fit each other.

No problem. And yes, I totally understand your trepidation - I think it would be weird if you weren't hesitant, but once you start talking, you'll surprise yourself tbh. I was exactly the same as you.

And another way of looking at it is that it's totally normal to do all this. There's nothing broken with you - I like to view it more like an MOT but for your mind instead of your car.

Big advocate for seeking someone professional to talk to. I had no idea what was the root cause for me until I started talking to a therapist a few years ago, and after three months was feeling so much better - anxiety reduced tremendously and I was much better equipped for dealing with life.

Went through something else at the end of last year and start of this due to stress and work, and considered speaking to my therapist again, decided against it in the end because ultimately I knew what the issue was and managed it.

Reason I mention that last part is because I knew the root cause, as you don't think you do, I urge you to speak to someone. It won't fix everything, but it SHOULD help you work through things (often without even realising).

Quadfather with some wise words.

It's a strange one, grief. Now ive typed all that, its opened my grief up again.

Once I understood what was going on, I ended up mentally exploring all the levels of sadness which in turn has made me very emotional now. But also, experiencing that level also highlights something else that I wouldn't have dreamed of. And that's unbridled joy. You wouldn't think it, but the intensity of the grief also opens your eyes to the natural beauty of life itself. You now really appreciate life to the limit and find new joy in things. Music, friends, nature and enjoying the short time we all have left and are so massively important and appreciated for me now.

Nick Cave has a good phrase for it - the cruel beauty.

Been through a multitude of counsellors and therapies. Happy to chat about it via pm if you want to know more

That's some long-ass covid

Yes. Need a vent?