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Post by drhickman1983 on Sept 6, 2022 9:51:42 GMT
Really just want to run away from work and responsibility. All that bollocks that most people just get on with without any issues.
Just don't know what I'm doing at all most of the time. Winging it and hoping nobody notices I'm essentially clueless and lazy.
Only another 40 years of this to go, give or take.
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nazo
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Post by nazo on Sept 6, 2022 10:04:22 GMT
Winging it and hoping nobody notices I'm essentially clueless and lazy Everyone else is doing the same. |
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Post by drhickman1983 on Sept 6, 2022 10:17:42 GMT
Maybe so, but everyone else seems to just get on with this shit better than I do.
I genuinely don't know what I'm doing most of the time. I know imposter syndrome is a thing but fucking hell, I'm utterly clueless. Pretty much every working hour is spent second guessing and doubting myself.
And it's so fucking tiring.
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harrypalmer
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Post by harrypalmer on Sept 6, 2022 10:29:42 GMT
Yep, I feel that. Hate it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2022 10:31:30 GMT
Yep. Me too. Also, I'm fast realising the illusion that everyone else bar us is coping okay with rudimentary things is just that, an illusion. So drhickman1983 I genuinely think that you're being too hard on yourself (this is rich coming from me, I know). We don't see everyone elses struggles, only our own. Case in point. The bridge near me has been closed THREE times in the past week because of jumpers. It's nuts. There's always the odd one every few months but never that many in quick succession. The struggle is real, and I think that everyone feels it, despite the picture that they may portray. A few things have happened in my life very recently that are giving me pause for reconsideration. Some brilliant, some terrible, but it's reminded me that the course we are on sometimes isn't as permanent as we think it's going to be, and even a slight deviation can really shake up your outlook. |
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Post by rhaegyr on Sept 6, 2022 10:38:09 GMT
I've been in my job 8 years (with the exception of a 6 month gap) and I still get worried about getting 'found out' - people treat me as one of the most knowledgable people in the company too, it's baffling.
Just backing up what wunty's saying above if it's any help.
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Post by drhickman1983 on Sept 6, 2022 10:52:02 GMT
Well, I guess it's good to know I'm not alone.
If everyone feels like this it does mean there is something deeply, deeply wrong with the systems that humans have created for themselves though.
Maybe I just need a new job, though I'll feel the same in any job so it feels like there's no fucking point looking.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2022 11:22:15 GMT
Ha, funny you should say that. It's been my thought for years. We are the self declared most advanced species on this spinning rock, yet we have - over the course of millenia - managed to construct our lives in such a way that so many external stresses are laid upon us on a daily basis that we cannot fucking cope. The fight or flight respnse - which is only there to be turned on in an emergency - is activated by anything from being late to an appointment to a falling out with a traffic warden over a ticket. We are not designed to operate under these types of stresses for an extend period and, in short, in fucks us up big time.
We cannot sleep when our bodies need it becuase we must keep to some arbitary self-imposed schedule. Same goes for eating. Some of us work shifts that work tangenitally to our body clocks, which also then adds additional stressors on ourselves. Couple that with the fact that the global communication we now have, and the means to witness the imminent doom of our planet from various sources due to our now hyper awareness with every inch of the world - means it's not even our own burdens we are taking on, but everyone elses as well. Religion and dieties were used in the past to explain away our existence, and give us purpose, yet over time we've excelled in scientifically debunking anything remotely divine, meaning that for most of us now, we feel like we have no function, no greater purpose, and so we sink further into the quagmire.
And we wonder why we sometimes feel like fucking shit?
So no. You're not alone. And you never are. Just keep venting when you do feel alone and we can all sink together but before we do, let's just stick around, because there's always something, no matter how small, that's worth sticking around for.
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Post by drhickman1983 on Sept 6, 2022 11:34:56 GMT
I'm actually quite at ease having no grand purpose or meaning.
The issue is having to do crap I ultimately don't care about just so I can live and occasionally dabble in the things I do enjoy, assuming I'm not just too knackered.
I mean, I want to do a decent job, but if I had the chance to quit and retire whilst maintaining a level of comfort I wouldn't miss this at all.
I'm totally aware that this is all just a bit teenager throwing a tantrum at having to work, so not only am I disgruntled at work I also feel really quite pathetic. Another string for the self-loathing bow (it has so many strings now it looks more like a harp)
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Post by drhickman1983 on Sept 6, 2022 11:46:26 GMT
I do frequently wonder if there's a point where the amount of shit to wade through makes the brief moments of respite actually worth it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2022 11:49:43 GMT
It's not pathetic. I fucking resent every hour that I can't just sit in my pants and make music / write / draw etc. Again, it's normal. it's the self perpetuating cycle that we've managed to get ourselves in. Just make the most of the moments you do grab for yourself and take the stresses off. it's okay to be tired and not do the things you want, you can still relax and enjoy your time regardless, even if it's sitting in your pants and doing the square root of fuck all - and in the grand scheme of things, surely that is important.
Again, I'm laughing typing this, because I feel like you, and not as zen as these comments, but in theory, maybe we should try to take the pressure of ourselves a little.
Another example from the example ostrich - This past few days I've had writing to finish, and music to do, and drawing to finish, and running to do - all outside of work. Instead, I've been playing with a puppy. Well fuck me if it hasn't made me happier than I have been in fucking years.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2022 11:51:59 GMT
I do frequently wonder if there's a point where the amount of shit to wade through makes the brief moments of respite actually worth it. Look at celebs. The chaps we all aspire to. Or the loaded businessmen / heirs to fortunes. These people sometimes have ALL the time they want. Are they happier? I fucking doubt it. I think we need the struggle to find the happiness in the little moments we then get.
Or not. Fuck knows. I sometimes feel like i'm vomiting up nuggets of wisdom from one of those books that sit at the checkout in Waterstones that you get for a couple of quid to fill up a birthday pile / stocking.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2022 11:52:57 GMT
Actually. In short - buy a puppy.
Everyone needs to buy a puppy.
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Post by drhickman1983 on Sept 6, 2022 11:58:31 GMT
Hey I'd like a dog but given that I don't have a place of my own and need to go into the office at least twice a week means I'm in no position to look after it.
Once again the rest of life gets in the way.
I don't aspire to be famous or rich at all, so that's good at least.
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H-alphaFox
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Post by H-alphaFox on Sept 6, 2022 12:01:55 GMT
I mean, I want to do a decent job, but if I had the chance to quit and retire whilst maintaining a level of comfort I wouldn't miss this at all. I'm totally aware that this is all just a bit teenager throwing a tantrum at having to work, so not only am I disgruntled at work I also feel really quite pathetic. Another string for the self-loathing bow (it has so many strings now it looks more like a harp) No it's not a tantrum at all, and I do mean it. I mean fuck it, make whatever leap you need to be happier but do it for you and family and not somebody else. I'm all about that guy moving to Finland. Brilliant. Hopefully we will move and do what we wanted in retirement which would be a nice rural property/hobby farm but instead of waiting another 10 or so years just get on with it and make it happen. Probably will have to work harder than ever to keep ahead but even just the thought of working for yourself is satisfying. Spend that time with your kids if you have them, the experience would be invaluable as well to both of us. |
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Post by drhickman1983 on Sept 6, 2022 12:06:32 GMT
Here's the thing though - if I'm being honest what I want to do is not economically viable as I want to drop out of working entirely. I want to to retire, essentially. To spend my time pottering about dabbling in this and that without any concerns about having to commodify my productivity.
That's simply not going to happen.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2022 12:12:03 GMT
I think in all honesty what you're wanting is no different from every other one of us poor schmucks that has to go to work. Again, it's about not resenting them hours you spend at work, but accepting them for what they are are enjoying the hours that you have - be it in work or not. If work is truly the catalyst for your depression, then perhaps a change of job is what you need, as it seems to me that your frustrations stem from you putting hours into something that aren't to your direct benefit, ergo your work is making you unhappy, not the fact you have to work at all. Hours spent in a job don't have to be to your detriment.
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Post by quadfather on Sept 6, 2022 12:12:17 GMT
Here's the thing though - if I'm being honest what I want to do is not economically viable as I want to drop out of working entirely. I want to to retire, essentially. To spend my time pottering about dabbling in this and that without any concerns about having to commodify my productivity. That's simply not going to happen. Yeah, but we all want that though. And if you want it, you have to work for it. There's no shortcutting on that one. And the dog conversation - I think you'd find you'd simply make time for the dog, because it needs it. You'd get a dog walker for a couple of days a week and/or get a friend to keep an eye while you're working. Or change your job so you can work at home. There's plenty of options. But it all depends if you *really want it*. Otherwise, it's just all nasal gazing and procrastination. |
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Post by Jambowayoh on Sept 6, 2022 12:12:45 GMT
Here's the thing though - if I'm being honest what I want to do is not economically viable as I want to drop out of working entirely. I want to to retire, essentially. To spend my time pottering about dabbling in this and that without any concerns about having to commodify my productivity. That's simply not going to happen. Have you considered becoming a CEO of a global multinational company and dicking around on Twitter making terrible memes? I hear it pays really well and the actual work is minimal. |
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Post by quadfather on Sept 6, 2022 12:15:22 GMT
I think in all honesty what you're wanting is no different from every other one of us poor schmucks that has to go to work. Again, it's about not resenting them hours you spend at work, but accepting them for what they are are enjoying the hours that you have - be it in work or not. If work is truly the catalyst for your depression, then perhaps a change of job is what you need, as it seems to me that your frustrations stem from you putting hours into something that aren't to your direct benefit, ergo your work is making you unhappy, not the fact you have to work at all. Hours spent in a job don't have to be to your detriment. Only THIS MORNING, on the m60 on the way to work with my clapped out car, letting water into the boot, did I say to myself out loud whilst stuck in fucking traffic YET AGAIN... "Why can't I just turn off here, and have a job 2 miles away just building PC's all fucking day long with the radio on. Instead of sitting here like a fucking twat, stuck in traffic to get to an office where I'll get hassle after fucking hassle about IT projects" So yeah, maybe a change of job is in order. You'll still get the frustration of working in general, but fucking hell, it'd be easier than this shit! |
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Post by drhickman1983 on Sept 6, 2022 12:19:47 GMT
if you want it, you have to work for it. There's no shortcutting on that one. And the dog conversation - I think you'd find you'd simply make time for the dog, because it needs it. You'd get a dog walker for a couple of days a week and/or get a friend to keep an eye while you're working. Or change your job so you can work at home. There's plenty of options. But it all depends if you *really want it*. Otherwise, it's just all nasal gazing and procrastination. That there is no shortcut is the issue entirely. Changing job might work but I'm crippled with anxiety and ridden with self doubt. I doubt I'd find a good position, and that doubt makes it a self fulfilling prophecy. I'm all about the nasal gazing a procrastination. It's another reason why I fucking hate myself. Frankly making changes is terrifying. I've basically fell into this position by luck more than anything, I can't say I've ever made a substantial life decision in my, um, life. If life was a computer game I wouldn't even want to reload to an early save, I'd have given up a long time ago. Even if the graphics are really realistic |
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Post by drhickman1983 on Sept 6, 2022 12:21:42 GMT
Here's the thing though - if I'm being honest what I want to do is not economically viable as I want to drop out of working entirely. I want to to retire, essentially. To spend my time pottering about dabbling in this and that without any concerns about having to commodify my productivity. That's simply not going to happen. Have you considered becoming a CEO of a global multinational company and dicking around on Twitter making terrible memes? I hear it pays really well and the actual work is minimal. Unfortunately my dad didn't own an emerald mine. |
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Post by quadfather on Sept 6, 2022 12:22:23 GMT
if you want it, you have to work for it. There's no shortcutting on that one. And the dog conversation - I think you'd find you'd simply make time for the dog, because it needs it. You'd get a dog walker for a couple of days a week and/or get a friend to keep an eye while you're working. Or change your job so you can work at home. There's plenty of options. But it all depends if you *really want it*. Otherwise, it's just all nasal gazing and procrastination. That there is no shortcut is the issue entirely. Changing job might work but I'm crippled with anxiety and ridden with self doubt. I doubt I'd find a good position, and that doubt makes it a self fulfilling prophecy. I'm all about the nasal gazing a procrastination. It's another reason why I fucking hate myself. Frankly making changes is terrifying. I've basically fell into this position by luck more than anything, I can't say I've ever made a substantial life decision in my, um, life. If life was a computer game I wouldn't even want to reload to an early save, I'd have given up a long time ago. Even if the graphics are really realistic Alright, but say you made this change even with the anxiety and self doubt. What's the worst that can happen? It didn't work out? Fair enough. What have you lost? Fuck all. What have you gained? Experience to use against the anxiety and self doubt. You can do it - you just don't think you can. |
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Post by Jambowayoh on Sept 6, 2022 12:25:16 GMT
if you want it, you have to work for it. There's no shortcutting on that one. And the dog conversation - I think you'd find you'd simply make time for the dog, because it needs it. You'd get a dog walker for a couple of days a week and/or get a friend to keep an eye while you're working. Or change your job so you can work at home. There's plenty of options. But it all depends if you *really want it*. Otherwise, it's just all nasal gazing and procrastination. That there is no shortcut is the issue entirely. Changing job might work but I'm crippled with anxiety and ridden with self doubt. I doubt I'd find a good position, and that doubt makes it a self fulfilling prophecy. I'm all about the nasal gazing a procrastination. It's another reason why I fucking hate myself. Frankly making changes is terrifying. I've basically fell into this position by luck more than anything, I can't say I've ever made a substantial life decision in my, um, life. If life was a computer game I wouldn't even want to reload to an early save, I'd have given up a long time ago. Even if the graphics are really realistic At least you're self aware about it, but I've said it before but I used to be EXACTLY like you until I reached a point where I couldn't keep myself encased in this comforting loop of negativity because you can't fail if you don't try and you're going to fail if you try so there's no point in trying. Someday you'll reach that point but it does require the effort from you to put things into motion. |
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Post by Jambowayoh on Sept 6, 2022 12:26:04 GMT
Have you considered becoming a CEO of a global multinational company and dicking around on Twitter making terrible memes? I hear it pays really well and the actual work is minimal. Unfortunately my dad didn't own an emerald mine. See there you go again with the negative attitude. |
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Post by drhickman1983 on Sept 6, 2022 12:26:22 GMT
There's also the question about what the fuck the change would be.
I don't know what I want to do.
You had your pc building question. I don't even have that. I have literally nothing that I'd want to pursue as a job.
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H-alphaFox
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Post by H-alphaFox on Sept 6, 2022 12:26:28 GMT
If there is anyone around that can find the easiest way to do as little as possible while still covering the bills then I'm up for the task. Yeah, I want to potter around too that is fine but you have to work for it so that you can. There will always be a way.
Sure what everyone will want is different but I have been looking into making this happen quite seriously for us and there are certainly fairly passive income streams to be had, and fuck it, if not then I'll do whatever it needs.
Maybe my photography will blow up in the mean time, which is doubtful.
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Post by quadfather on Sept 6, 2022 12:27:17 GMT
This is problem. People need to fail more.
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Post by Jambowayoh on Sept 6, 2022 12:28:11 GMT
This is problem. People need to fail more. As someone who's failed an inexplicable amount of times I agree with this. |
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H-alphaFox
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Post by H-alphaFox on Sept 6, 2022 12:28:18 GMT
That show on channel 5 where Ben Fogle goes to stay with various people and lunatics living their dream is actually a good watch.
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