Depression

I am one of those people who went through 'a bit' to get to that stage in my head. I've honestly found it extremely liberating not letting every issue have equal weight like I used to, removing people who don't bring and joy and value to my life and doing whatever the fuck I want as long it has no negative effects on the people around me.

Well what is it that you think you need to feel?

At my lowest I wasn't having anything from anyone, shut myself off completely and it wouldn't of mattered what anybody said. Wouldn't of even talked about it either so I think it is good that we are sharing here because I never had that.

It took a rather jarring shock of reality to snap me out of it enough to start functioning normallyish again or at least start getting my life back together. You know like actually functioning, working again and seeing people in general. I'd hate for anyone to get to the point I was. Never had suicidal thoughts but I gave up on all basic responsibilities of life, stopped turning up for work, stopped paying bills, slept all day just to get to the drink at night but even that became untenable pretty quickly and I still didn't give a shit.

This was many years ago, before I met my wife even and it's arguable I would not of met her if any of the above did not happen.

I've been there. I wish I could give you an easy solution but really it was just waiting and carrying on pretending until it stopped. It did stop eventually though.

Actually, that's a lie. Eventually I talked to my wife about it and got help.

When I've got a migraine my body pisses out all the seretonin which means the world is suddenly very very grey and joyless. I have to push through that knowing it will pass when my body rebuilds the seretonin, but it's hard going through it. Mindfulness helps as it's made me more self aware and I know it's not 'me', it's my body's chemical levels.

Aside from migraines, I do have a lot of very grey times. I don't have the joy that others have our that I remember once having. A few years back, I briefly experienced a moment of joy which felt like seeing in colour for a few seconds, but it went as quick as it came and left me in the grey.

What has helped with the grey is again mindfulness and journaling. Both have made me realise that I do laugh and smile and feel happy during most days and that the "meh" feeling is not as all pervasive as it seems (it is when I have a migraine). Journaling and the self reflection involved help me see this and also see what I'm grateful for and what I've achieved, even if I feel I've done nothing and had a shit day. Even in the shittest day, there's stuff to be grateful for, even if it's "just" having air in my lungs and the ability to write in a book.

My partner is always smiling and happy and I've no idea how they do it. However, that's them and this is me. All I can say is that being more self aware and more grateful and giving a shit less have helped all be it slowly, but I can see the slow progress and that makes me sort of happy.

Note, we are all different. Something I'm going through and the stuff that helps me isn't the same as everyone or even anyone else. I've lived in a grey limbo for years and think it was either stress or drink that caused it, but who knows and tbh who cares. Oh I'm also trying to improve my gut health as most of the body's seretonin is there and you really are what you eat.

Like I said, this is what helped and is helping me. Acceptance and greater self awareness. No magic pill (I tried them all) but sauerkraut... Which I sort of like now...sort of.

I remember only one moment from my life when I felt unconditional happiness. This was when I was in the army and I had been sick as a dog so they put me in the hospital. I had been bedridden for a couple of days, not able to get up or anything. But that day I was starting to feel better so I went to the canteen and had a cup of black coffee and a jelly donut. I was looking out the window, it was snowing just a little and another serviceman was in the parking lot with his partner and their small baby. In that instant I felt happy.


There was another moment but I've forgot it. Usually my happiness is marred by thinking too much.



There was a study that concluded that if you smile more you feel more happy. If you want to try a bit of mood hacking you could try to take couple of slots of just a couple of minutes per day where you just focus on smiling. Not about anything in particular, just doing the physical activity of smiling with your face. Then see how that affects your mood journal for the week.

In lieu of formulating a big post just now, I think my tl;dr response is that yes, I think it is time to do something about this. I need to accept the fact that I cannot manage this on my own any more. I can’t face an indeterminate future of ups and downs, coupled with this complete numbness. It’s frustrating because when I view this from an outside perspective, I can see quite plainly that I could do with thrashing this all out. Just seems to be something I can’t admit that I need to do.

As for myself, I've mostly been feeling okay lately. Maybe boosted by the fact that I'll be back in Hawai'i in about 2 weeks. So maybe my mind's prematurely on island time.

I can't speak for anyone else on here, but speaking for myself, you're loved here, man. Often I relate to you, and others like hickman, danno, dfunked.. and I don't have much to add because if I knew how to help things I'd take my own advice. But I really appreciate you sharing and trying to help and relate to others.

I've said it before, but you're forum royalty. This place wouldn't be the same without you.

Don't know why I added that last hit tbh, since you've never made it seemed as if you're leaving, but I already typed it so I won't bitch out and delete it now.

You.
Get Therapy.
Now.
You've literally talked yourself into it with this sentence.

It's not hard to know what to do, the hard part is admitting to ourselves that we need help to do it.

"Any fool can cope with a crisis.
The difficult thing is to cope with everyday life."

My dude, that sounds rough. Alcohol definitely isn’t helpful but I know why you do it, these days anything more than a couple of beers and I wake up with some mild despair. It’s just the chemicals, and I find it helps to remind myself that.

If you did want a drink then maybe taking the bike to the pub is the answer. I find nothing clears my head like going for a walk, you might have to force yourself but in some subconscious way I always feel better after.

Chin up though innit.

Oh my god. Good luck. I hope you make it out of this dystopian shithole. Your new Prime Minister is really hot too.