Depression

This. 

It sounds like you are blaming yourself for this, and while you may have fucked it up at least partially, it takes two. You wont be the first person to mess up a relationship by being selfish or damaged, owning your mistakes is one thing, letting them drag you down is another. Learn from them and move on. Believe me, I know it's hard. After my relationship went tits up I basically didn't go outside, open the curtains, eat for 12 months, I was drinking brandy in the morning and not going to work, I couldn't stand anyone looking at me, it was the darkest time of my life. I had fucked up that relationship, but she didn't help either. You're grieving, it will end - but you also have to instigate it (which it sounds like you are), you will get through it, you have to get back out there, have fun,  it's your brain letting you down. Regardless of how amazing that person was, there will be others - there are more than enough amazing humans out there for you. 

All that sounds flippant, but there's no other way to say it. I think therapy would really help your work through it.

It's also worth saying, there was a period where I tried to work it out with me ex, we would meet fairly regularly - that did not help! Once that stopped, the process of moving on and getting healthy got easier. 

Danno I think harry and wunty have shared some sound thoughts. All I can offer is that this forumite (who has spoken with you a grand total of once on game chat) is always happy to chat online, or just play something together to feel some sort of connection whenever I'm around.

Give me a a nudge at any time I'm online. Hate to hear about a good dude struggling, and if being available just to distract, or listen to some venting, or try for hours to beat the fucking ELDEN BEAST without success, then I'm here.

(side-note, I eventually beat the Beast without user Danno's help, but I'm sure he definitely was not a hinderance, nope...)

I don't know what else to say right now except thank you all, and now I'm fucking off because I have a meeting in 5mins and don't need to cry.

It's already been said but I genuinely think distance is the best thing for moving on.

I've had a broken heart before and I've had friends in the same place. Trying to meet up and rebuild something can only work if you're on the same page.

Do you know what she wants from meeting you? If it's to be friends and you're meeting up for more than that, then you're going to see things that just aren't there.

Danno Get yourself down to Lidl and buy as much custard and beans as you can fit in a trolley. You'll be beating them off with a stick.

Seriously though, lots of good advice on here already. Don't tell yourself you've lost the best thing you'll ever have. You don't know what's in your future and it's almost certainly better than what your brain is telling you at the moment. You're a decent guy, try not to beat yourself up too much. (I know that's not easy sometimes)

Just to echo what others have said. You seem to be a decent guy, Danno. If I was the chatty, sociable type I'd happily jump on voice chat with you. I'm really not, though!

Unrelated but does anybody have any recommendations for meditation apps/audiobooks etc to help with anxiety attacks? Trying out the calm app trial at the moment.
Someone else mentioned doing exercises when I get them which was a great shout too.

Danno I only just caught up with all this. You're my favourite forumite and I would like to give you a big cuddle.

Headspace is really good.

Hi. You want Insight Timer. It's got thousands of free meditations including lots for anxiety. I would particularly recommend Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR) for anxiety.

Also with a look are Medito and Smiling Mind.

All three are free, but with insight Timer you don't need anything else.

Breakups are shit, mate. Sorry to hear you’re having a rough time of it.

I know everyone says it and it never makes you feel better but it will get better with time. Just try avoid doing anything too soon. When I was getting over the biggest break up of my life I tried loads to fill in the void. Would go on dates and it would be obvious I wasn’t over my ex and was in no place to be trying to start anything new. I’d go on holiday and spend half the time feeling miserable because she wasn’t with me. Eventually - probably best part of a year down the line - I decided enough was enough and walked into my GP’s office and told her I needed help, at which point I burst into tears because it was the first time I’d admitted it.

It’s going to be miserable. It’s basically like the person your closest to has died. But the old saying is true - no good marriage ever ended in divorce and the same goes for any kind of relationship. You might think that you were entirely at fault now, but I’m sure with perspective you’ll see there were many layers to the relationship and it will have ended for a other reasons outside of your control.

For now though, it’s a good time to find some new projects. Anything constructive that keeps the hands and mind occupied is a big help. Time to build that Death Star.

Oh man I have daily crushes on people 15 years younger than me. I think that’s just part of being 40 and not wanting to accept it.

Not drank since my daft Sunday moment but given some of the cost of living crisis news - which is stuff I can't just ignore because even if I turn the news off, it will still have a very direct impact on me.

Coupled with other other generally dark thoughts I have a growing urge to get blind drunk, with a view to not caring if I actually wake up.

Day to day life is okay, there are ups and downs but the concept of doing this *vague gesture towards life* for another 40 years, give or take, is just horrible.

drhickman1983 I know exactly how you feel man. I've been in a horrid rut this past week. I was doing okay for a few but I've really bottomed out. Everything is stagnant. Every time I'm doing okay I recall my age, the gulf of time between my younger aspirational years and now. I constantly wonder how the fuck I got here and where it all went. I feel and act exactly the same as I always have and constantly have a blind panic that I'm running out of time. It hits me worse at night, which is pretty standard, generally as I'm about to go to sleep. I never feel good about myself or anything I'm fucking doing. Every time I feel like I've taken a step forward I then take two or three big steps back.

I don't know what the solution is. I guess I just keep thinking that around the corner things will be different, and that's what I'm focusing on. it's worth focusing on that. We can only look to now and what's behind us and judge it accordingly. I can't accept that we write off the future though, no matter how bleak we feel the outlook is.

I think a lot of people are feeling that way at the moment. The hope I'm holding on to at the moment is that the government just can't survive over 50% of the population being unable to pay for basic necessities.