Depression

Genuinely thought I was getting a grip on things of late. Down the slide I go. Weeeeeee.

Just had to write that. Fuck it.

Been feeling a bit withdrawn recently, just finding it hard to really remember how to have conversations and just feel a bit disconnected from friends and famiky around me.

I've never been the most outgoing of people but even conversation with close friends feels a bit... I dunno, stilted. At least to me. And then because I think it feels stilted I just feel more self-conscious which makes everything seems even more stilted.

I've no idea how the other person actually perceives the conversation. They probably don't even notice. But then I end up just feeling paranoid, like maybe we'll drift apart due to me being, well, me. Or imagine them speaking about me... Nothing bad, but just imagine them commenting on me.

Can't really afford to lose any good friends, don't have many as it is. I'm friends with folks at work, or through boardgames, but outside of of those activities I'd be unlikely to see them. Then I have like, two longer term friends, but I only see them in person sporadically.

Also feeling anxious as I've been on leave for a week and really cba going to back to work. I don't even hate my job and like my colleagues. It's not like I'm expecting any particular bad thing, just a general sense that I'd rather not go back.

Anyway that's the moan for today. Might have to get a few train beers on the way home to numb things.

You might feel differently after being back in work and speaking to colleagues. Easy to overthink things when you're away from people.

It is, but you've proved you can punch out of it. Try and ride the wobble man

Mr Blobby?

drhickman1983

Yeah, real friends, the friends that are there for the real shit in life but at the end of day you have to communicate these things to them.

I've been reading a lot of your posts of late and they have an all but familiar ring to them of how I once felt about life. Being in a negative space was extremely comforting to me, I could never be let down or hurt as my expectations were never raised and if something shit did happen it meant that it added to my confirmation bias and strengthened my position of wrapping myself up in negativity. I was also extremely nostalgic, wallowing in constant regret of thinking 'what if'. I would quietly blame others for my life not being the way it was, how it was unfair how things just came to them and I never even got a chance. It took a lot of self work to get past the version of myself and realise that change can only occur if I truly wanted it.

The thing is though do you actually want to change your situation or is it safer to continue in this continuous cycle you've put yourself through?

I've almost never entered this thread, did today and it is a hard read to see the struggles that go on.
I have no advice or knowledge but just want to say that the people here have so much intelligence, wisdom, talent and goodness and you make the world a better place and I hope everything gets better.

drhickman1983

No worries, it's what we do in this forum. Also don't worry I felt lost too, personally speaking it took me some time to figure what makes me happy, what I can control, what I can't and I felt more free when I realised I couldn't control a lot of things. Just be kind yourself and remember that it's never too late to turn around your life if you really want to, difficult but never impossible.

Due to being skint I've often just taken a week off work to variously sort stuff out and catch up on things; helps that I'm in London where I can just go hang out in a museum for free for a day to make it feel like a holiday.

Anyway its a good point to try and work out a bit of perspective, or prioritisation in life. Like getting caught up in what-ifs about being bullied in school or making a bad career decision years ago or a relationship that went to shit etc. So at least talking to yourself in a way where you go "maybe my career isn't my dream job but it's basically fine, the thing that's actually bothering me is X" so you just worry about the career thing a bit less and focus on whatever X is for a bit, but in a manageable way.

For me this was actually working out my career had hit a dead end last year and going out to find a different job to shake things up.

To be fair I think this is what quite a lot of properly working therapy actually is; I remember spending hours talking about my parent's divorce with psychiatrists before just going "no I don't actually care about that anymore" at them.

Yeah, this is good advice. I did this, really helped made my thoughts and goals more clear especially with helping me realise what things I really don't like in career terms.

Can I have some advice for the 40s and suddenly losing everything please

Here's my 2p:
Make short term plans at first. Figure out what gets you through today. If you can do that, then keep doing that.
Then figure out what gets you through the week. If you can do that, then keep doing that.
Then look at the month. Maybe next 6 months.

Being in your 40s and losing everything is not great. But on the other hand you probably haven't lost quite everything? You've got 40 years of experience under your belt, just doing shit and getting through other shit. That will count for something. You just gotta figure out what you've got that you can use in your current situation.

Any specifics for us Danno boy?

You just described my life. Same job for 15 years, some days I like it, most days I don't. I've never had much motivation career wise. They pay decent money, the people are nice and I can basically manage my time how I see fit. I work four days a week, so objectively it's pretty good. But its very safe, and I'm absolutely terrified of leaving to try something else. I've applied for other jobs, but half-heartedly. Even got an interview for a job which probably would have been awesome - but I deliberately sabotaged that, something that I am truly disgusted by.

Fundamentally, for whatever reason, this is who I am - I am hardwired to be this way, and although it's disappointing, I can't help it. I try learning new things, some I pursue for months, years even, and then they fade out. Sometimes this process helps, but inevitably I get disappointed with the results, maybe one day I'll find something to latch on to.

Can't help feeling my younger self would be disappointed. I wanted to be creative, write, do art stuff, make films. At school and uni I would take pride in coasting, not trying was 'cool' to me, it gave me an excuse and meant I had more free time! I was the prodigal first to go to uni. I thought I was clever enough to ride it out, which I was, but no doubt I wasted my potential. At some point it catches up with you.

Sorry to take your problem and then go on about myself, but it resonates so much. I have no advise!

I want to try therapy or something to help me reframe my life or try and break down some of my own barriers. It's really fucking hard to constantly be getting in your own way. What gets me through is the knowledge that everyone has their own shit to deal with. Some people are just different, and successful in different ways. There are also so many external factors to how you end up where you do, that its probably unrealistic to imagine you have any control anyway! I'm a good person, I have an amazing family, I get to relax at the weekends and have fun. I've created a pretty good life for myself, and I'll keep trying (but not too hard). 

That's amazing that you stuck with the creative stuff, you should take real pride in that. I dip in and out but haven't produced anything of note for a long time. Deep down everyone wants something more, I think. You had fun, right? Youth is pretty much meant to be wasted.