Depression

I know how to make a drumskin wish it didn't exist and your namechecks are 2 and 1 on the list .

My ink is all Zeppelin based (and I've been saving pennies in case it needs adjusting or covering, but apparently they waited for a YES or, at least, not a 'fuck off'.

Thank you all for chipping in.

I carry a card for Lifeline in my pocket at all times, it's basically Northern Ireland's version of Samaritans as far as I know, and I know I can call them if I need to.

I'm feeling a bit better now, so thank you all for your concern.

But bit of a rant here, it's also what bothers me about mental health in the UK (and elsewhere too). It's so very focused on suicide prevention. I've been suffering from depression for the last 5-6 years. It's affecting my life every day. But as long as I'm a productive member of the society and don't talk about offing myself all I get from my GP is a 5 minute phone call every two months.

Yeah, I've had like 5 years of therapy, which outside of Finland I've paid for myself privately. And really like, the underlying issues haven't been addressed at all. The depression is still affecting my life every day. Yes, I can function normally a lot of the time but as soon as something happens and I start thinking about why I'm depressed in the first place it's like *BAM* *fuck you Johnny!* And to get over it I just have to cope with that until I forget what I was thinking about in the first place.

I'm really questioning if human life really is that valuable. Why should /I/ personally stay alive just to be miserable? My brain is malfunctioning, there's no cure, or if there is I don't have access to it. I'm just one individual out of 8 billion, I really don't think I'm anything so special that I should have to shoulder the burden of carrying on. Yes, I understand all the arguments for staying alive (maybe it'll get better, it's just a quirk of my brain chemistry, other people would be inconvenienced by my departure, maybe some religious entity will condemn me), but I'm just really questioning if it's just a social taboo instead of an actual philosophical truth.

Anyway. Feeling a bit better now. I'll try to forget the big picture thinking and just focus on the here and now.

That's essentially the issue. When my depression gets bad I don't get enjoyment from anything. Nothing feels good. I try to do all the things that I know I really enjoy, like smoke a cigar and read a book, drink my coffee, have sex, have a long shower, listen to music. And when the brain stuffs are really bad then all of that gives me is like a 5/10 "okay, I've done that thing".

It hasn't always been this bad. When I first got out of the worst of the depression I moved to Greece for a year. I was ecstatic for the first two months. I was really excited to go to work, to buy cheese from the pretty girl at the shop who barely spoke any English, to eat a spinach pie. You know. But then as the therapy and the general weariness of life started to press down on me I lost more and more of that enjoyment.

I moved to the UK and it was fine for a bit. Now I've been here three years, maybe it's time for me to pack my bags and go somewhere else again but I've done it so many times. One ex said to me (she was a psychologist) that it's part of my nature, that I cannot deal with things being static. But at the same time I'm tired of moving around all the time too. That's why it's starting to feel like maybe I'm just done, you know?

I feel like I've paid my dues. I've made money for a few companies. I've been a teacher in Africa. I've helped sexual minorities in South Korea. I've worked on a couple of films, recorded 600 episodes of broadcast TV, had a photo exhibition, played on an album and an EP and maybe a hundred live gigs, written a novella. I don't have any debt and I've got a bit of savings. I've done enough shit to feel like I've honestly given it a good old college try. Do I really have to do more stuff?

If I had my brain chemistry in the state where I got normal satisfaction from doing stuff I think I'd be fine. It's just.

Yesterday I cooked some chicken. Moroccan spice rub, oven roast vegetables, giant couscous. The missus said it's one of the best foods I've ever cooked and I cook a lot. And I was like "Okay, yeah, it's nice." Nothing does anything to me. And I think if the only way I feel stuff anymore is if I just move myself into an entirely new environment every two years, dunno, I don't think that's sustainable.

TLDR; Brain bork. Send halp.


Nah, you're grand.

I'm 42. Why?

Just wondered really. In my late 40's I started feeling the similar burn out / exhaustion thing. Like Wunty says, the more you focus on 'what's it all about', the more it doesn't help I find.

I eventually just accepted that I'm a grain of sand on a beach too, along with everyone else. And then I realised that I don't need to find some meaningful purpose in life. I'm just going to live it, and try and enjoy what time I have left. I think that's really important when you get to our age, with all the stuff we've seen and gone through. Everyone goes through it in varying degrees. You can stress about it, or just accept it and not have huge expectations.

mrharvest

You've crammed an impressive amount of stuff in man. I think I would be in danger of trying to break down your posts and try to help you in overcoming your feelings, which is not what here is for, nor is it my place to. As far as a listening ear goes however, I can do that forever.

Perhaps you are putting too much pressure on yourself to feel a certain way? It's no secret as we get older we get less excited about things. We've seen it all before. When I say look for the joy, even a 5/10 is good. Not everything needs to be 10/10 amazing. Hell, I don't know if I'll ever feel that again either, but I don't mind.

It's ever decreasing peaks with bigger troughs isn't it. But talk, and keep talking.

Because I don't want a life that's on average below 5/10. In my good year (before the trip to Turkey) I was hitting 8/10 on good days and maybe 4/10 on bad days. That was acceptable. Now I'm hitting 6/10 in my good moments and 2/10 rest of the time.

Honestly in my life I've only ever couple of times been 10/10. The only time I clearly remember was when I was 18. I was in the military, had a bad influenza and had to be hospitalised. I remember sitting in the cafeteria eating a jelly donut and drinking an average cup of coffee, after spending 3 days in bed with a drip. Down in the parking lot there was another infantryman meeting partner and their young baby. I felt happy in that moment.

Now if the peaks get lower as we get older, and the troughs get wider, then that'll bring the average down surely? I don't want that.

I think scoring every hour of your life out of 10 sounds exhausting. You can't properly enjoy things if you're always comparing them to the best moments of your life.

A lot of anxiety is focusing/fixating on the past or future and not being present in the moment.

I believe that's why mindfulness (as difficult as it can be for a lot of people, my partner categorically refuses to do it) is a great tool to help steer you to being a bit more present.

A meat computer! I like that.

The Matrix is real 👀