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Post by Danno on Jun 6, 2022 23:35:04 GMT
Danno Have a cry man, it's the most therapeutic and cleansing thing you can ever do, I cried today after welling up watching a movie that got to me on a very specific personal level regarding my previous experience with cancer. I tried to initially fight but just surrendered to it and felt so good. I should have when I had the chance. Hopefully I've got a reprieve for a couple of days or it'll be weird on the bus. I wasn't aware of the C stuff. Glad you smashed it. You're one of the good brown people after all |
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Post by Jambowayoh on Jun 6, 2022 23:59:21 GMT
Hahaha, I really am. I speak in RP English too.
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Post by Danno on Jun 7, 2022 0:08:18 GMT
Hahaha, I really am. I speak in RP English too. Crikey! Careful dude, you'll end up pale! |
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Post by Danno on Jun 7, 2022 0:09:21 GMT
Hahaha, I really am. I speak in RP English too. Curious about the horrid C stuff though. You're a-ok now? |
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Post by Dougs on Jun 7, 2022 5:58:57 GMT
Glad you're starting to turn things around Danno. Focusing on yourself is absolutely the best thing to do. Stepping away from triggers is really important. Taking a break from news, the internet, whatever is always cleansing.
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Post by Danno on Jun 7, 2022 7:21:14 GMT
Glad you're starting to turn things around Danno. Focusing on yourself is absolutely the best thing to do. Stepping away from triggers is really important. Taking a break from news, the internet, whatever is always cleansing. Thanks Dougy. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2022 8:21:08 GMT
Sorry for bumping but I'm having a weird / shit one. On one hand I'm actually feeling like me again. It's been an absolute age. Getting exercise, eating right and having to interact with the world. Who knew that was healthy. On the other, I am fucking terrified that I've lost the love of my life and to say I've been shaky the last couple of days is very mild. I almost never cry* but I've been in a weird welling up spot all weekend. Had a welcome but strange chat with my littlest sister yesterday, where we mostly confirmed that our home childhood was very very shit. It was therapeutic, but stung some. I've repressed that stuff forever, despite therapy. Still. I'm getting it together. I just wish it hadn't taken the mother of all wake up calls to start doing it. It's starting to feel like my life is going to be a series of regrets and self inflicted and or self destructive fuckups. *This is because I'm an emotional fuckwit, rather than being a super manly super manly man super. Man. Super. To point one: That's excellent news chief. Glad you're starting to feel a bit more like you again. When we fall into these troughs that then become the new normal, it's easy to forget what it actually feels like to be ourselves.
To point two: Your meeting went okay on Friday though? Is there a way forward there?
Point three: Sounds like there's still a lot there to process, and talking with your sister obviously helped. Is more professional discussion centered on that an option if you're starting to identify that it could be related to how you are feeling just now?
Four: If it's any consolation, I do genuinely think so many view their own lives the same way. I suppose the thing is not to let it consume us and be able to move forward. I heard a thing on some psyche podcast the other week which was actually quite a good metaphor. If our lives can be described as a boat sailing forward, then we want to be at the front of it. Standing at the back, all we can do is look at the wake, and if each wave is an action or memory, then we cannot change them. If we're standing at the back watching these waves spread out and away, focusing on each one, then we're not looking forward. We want to be at the front of the boat.
Something like that. My wording is bollocks, but that's the gist.
Anyway, point one to your post is amazing, so that's a big positive step in the right direction.
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mrharvest
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Registered 18 years ago Posts 5,718
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Post by mrharvest on Jun 7, 2022 8:38:51 GMT
I was doing kinda okay for a year. Even stopped therapy since I felt like I had my life together. Decent job, okay flat, dating a nice girl. We even got engaged last autumn.
Then we went to see her family in Turkey. Somehow it was really stressful. I'm pretty used to travel and different cultures (lived in 10 countries on 3 continents) but it was so full on, I felt like I had no control whatsoever over what we were doing and we were arguing every day about it.
Now last couple of weeks I've been drinking a lot. I had stopped drinking for like 6 months, and then had started again very moderately. But now it's like I can almost hit a bottle of spirits in a day. And my depression has come back really bad, along with like this anxiety where I don't want to go outside or look at anyone.
Basically I want to break up with her so I can kill myself because I'm tired of trying to survive. I was diagnosed, uh, dunno maybe five or six years ago, I've lost track. I had a pretty bad episode then, I was completely out of it for a year. First six months I was able to do nothing except lie on the sofa, or on the floor if getting up on the sofa was too much work.
Then slowly built it up again. I was able to work in an office. I started to build friendships etc., start dating again. But it's so hard climbing out of that hole. And I'm tired of climbing out of that hole. It sucks. I don't want to try anymore. So, that's where I'm at. Really not okay atm. I guess I gotta start taking therapy again. But fucking five years and it's like, what's the point? It's just gonna keep happening over and over. This isn't life worth living. :X /rant
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2022 8:48:12 GMT
mrharvestMan, please call Samaritans - 116 123 You need to talk all this through with someone. All I'll say is life IS worth living, even if sometimes it doesn't feel that way. This is not the route you want to go down. It might feel like it's the only way, but it's not. Things might feel like a never ending cycle, but, again, it's not. Things can and will change for the better. Please call that number.
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Post by Jambowayoh on Jun 7, 2022 8:50:16 GMT
Yeah, please man call that number.
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Post by Danno on Jun 7, 2022 9:35:59 GMT
mrharvest Call them. Don't let the bad brain chemicals win.
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Post by drhickman1983 on Jun 7, 2022 10:24:10 GMT
I've had my moments of very dark thoughts over the years, that have absolutely been along the lines of "what's the point in continuing to exist" and I've had had suicidal ideation very frequently. Often ending up in a thought spiral trying to justify why this was sensible. Still do have those kind of thoughts occasionally.
But contacting the Samaritans did help. I actually contacted them by email and even that helped a lot. It didn't make me magically feel better, of course, but having somebody else's input did stop the spiral a bit, and it did make me realise how ... illogical, for want of a better term, my thought process was.
So yeah, it's definitely worth reaching out to them.
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Post by puddleduck on Jun 7, 2022 10:57:21 GMT
My wife is a Samaritans volunteer. Please do call them. They will listen to you without judgement. Sometimes just talking about how you feel to someone can be such a huge step.
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Post by Danno on Jun 7, 2022 17:45:24 GMT
@wuntyate
Thanks dewd.
Re point two, it's not impossible. Friday was ace, if a tad bittersweet at times. It was amazing to see her, lunch was great, had some much needed big hugs and it was just a lovely, lovely day. It just fucking leathered me afterwards with how much I'm missing her.
Anyway. Onwards, and upwards, via a bunch of meandering sidequests to get loot and levels.
On 3, I've paused therapy because funds, but I'm getting back to it as soon as I can. It would be good to work through sone of that, plus my abandonment issues - which have played no small part in fucking up this relationship.
And thanks again for the kind words. Means more than you might think.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2022 19:14:07 GMT
I'm glad Friday was so good man. One day at a time, you'll get there. You're recognising and you're working. First step to turning that corner is putting the work in and you're fucking nailing it on that front so just keep going.
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Post by Danno on Jun 7, 2022 20:07:04 GMT
I'm glad Friday was so good man. One day at a time, you'll get there. You're recognising and you're working. First step to turning that corner is putting the work in and you're fucking nailing it on that front so just keep going. Yep. Got to get back to being me as a priority. The rest just follows, or it should. I've picked the guitar up for the first time in about 6 years. That's been incredibly disappointing (and my fingers hurt), so I'm limiting myself to half an hour a day at most |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2022 20:09:23 GMT
Shit yes! We'll get all get a great big FG band going yet!
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Post by Danno on Jun 7, 2022 20:12:58 GMT
Shit yes! We'll get all get a great big FG band going yet! maaaan I can barely remember more than four (non power) chords. My SG is right out of bounds for now because my fingers are so wimpy. (It's in C with 52s). It's so frustrating, I was at an ok standard but after so long away from it, I'm starting all over again. MY FINGERS, THEY DO NOTHING |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2022 20:15:12 GMT
Ach it'll come back quicker than you think man, all that muscle and music memory, it's just dormant. Once you wake it up you're laughing. The calluses will come back too. If it helps. I still don't know the names of the strings I play.
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Post by Danno on Jun 7, 2022 20:38:12 GMT
Ach it'll come back quicker than you think man, all that muscle and music memory, it's just dormant. Once you wake it up you're laughing. The calluses will come back too. If it helps. I still don't know the names of the strings I play. I'm really not so sure man. But on the other hand, it might be a great hobby to learn all over again, with the massive, massive benefit of having £3k of gear to get going with! |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2022 20:48:17 GMT
I bet you'll surprise yourself!
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Post by Danno on Jun 7, 2022 20:54:32 GMT
I bet you'll surprise yourself! Even my picking hand is just permanantly flipping me the bird. And tricksy is furious at being asked to play Stairway again. On a serious note I'm at coordination levels of having to play scales repeatedly and very, very, very slowly (while looking up what the scale is!) just to remember what guitaring is. Chords start tomorrow. Then the tyranny begins |
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Post by Aunt Alison on Jun 7, 2022 20:54:41 GMT
with the massive, massive benefit of having £3k of gear to get going with! That's pretty rock n roll |
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Post by Danno on Jun 7, 2022 21:00:08 GMT
with the massive, massive benefit of having £3k of gear to get going with! That's pretty rock n roll Pop over, stick to the bass strings on the SG and keep the tone on the amp and the Big Muff low. I'll try to remember some licks |
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Post by Danno on Jun 7, 2022 22:11:47 GMT
Mm. It's not looking good. If shit goes south I'll buy a drumkit. Should be boozefree in a week. Amazing how much cash that frees up
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2022 22:17:28 GMT
It's early days!
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Post by Danno on Jun 7, 2022 22:20:28 GMT
Aye. Still want some drums. Valid shit beating. Fucking hell I want to cry |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2022 22:28:50 GMT
I'm going to nick my son's electric kit because I use it more than he does. Good fun.
No you don't. You want to put it down because you've played more in the past wee while than you have in years and practice is an accumulative thing. Do too much at once you get worse during that session. Put it to rest and you'll notice an improvement tomorrow. Deep down you know that.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2022 22:32:10 GMT
wunty's advice is good, so listen to him.
But the image of therapeutic cry drumming amuses me. But don't do that if you'd rather shed those tears somewhere that's earned them, ie your counselor.
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Post by Danno on Jun 7, 2022 22:38:04 GMT
wunty's advice is good, so listen to him. But the image of therapeutic cry drumming amuses me. But don't do that if you'd rather shed those tears somewhere that's earned them, ie your counselor. It’s mostly about rhythmically battering the fucking daylights out of things. I had promise as a teenage drummer through pure aggression and I sort of want to revisit that at the moment |
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