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Post by quadfather on May 26, 2022 12:23:29 GMT
Fair do's. That's outside my sphere so I can't really say much about that.
An example though, say I turned up and gave you enough money to buy a modest house. I don't want the money back, you can have it, but it must all go 100% on the house.
How would you feel about that?
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Post by drhickman1983 on May 26, 2022 12:25:19 GMT
I would take it and I'd be grateful.
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2022 12:27:16 GMT
Can I spend 1% of it on potatoes?
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Post by quadfather on May 26, 2022 12:27:35 GMT
And you'd be 'happy'?
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Post by quadfather on May 26, 2022 12:27:46 GMT
Can I spend 1% of it on potatoes? Sigh, if you must |
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Post by puddleduck on May 26, 2022 12:28:57 GMT
Jambo has touched on something that's very true. Sometimes having something negative that people can control is a coping technique in itself. As an example, many years ago I started dating someone who wasn't eating much and through talking and listening she came to realise she had so much she wasn't processing but that starving herself was a pain she could control.
People maybe think of self harm purely in context of cutting but there's loads of ways it can manifest and a lot of the time it's a way of having control over something.
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2022 12:29:58 GMT
drhickman1983 I don't think you are lazy either. Laziness isn't necessarily taking the path of least resistance. There are other factors at play here. Fear of rejection & failure if you take a different path, an inner contentment from being on the path you're on, even if you don't realise it, not prompting you to push further. The truth is I bet you're like me, that you have these moments, but can find contentment other times, that dispel these doubts and insecurities, until they manifest again. All our shit is buried in the past, and there are reasons behind every decision. I don't think, in all honesty, laziness is ever one of them.
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Post by puddleduck on May 26, 2022 12:30:27 GMT
Yeah it's that working at things where I fall down as I'm really, honestly very lazy and basically stick to the path of least resistance. I'm not helping myself and I'm not really a fan of my behaviour but there you go. Even following my creative career is something I just fell into. I don't think I've really actively pursued anything in my life thus far with any particular drive. It just kind of happened. What is it you don't like about your behaviour? When you hear yourself not liking it, who's voice do you hear it in? |
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Post by Dougs on May 26, 2022 12:32:55 GMT
A mate of mine said similar re his weight loss.
Going back to measuring success -this is one of the massive negatives of social media. People are constantly comparing themselves to their friends and colleagues. It's nothing new of course, but the reach is so much greater now. Concentrate on you and what makes you and yours happy. Don't worry about anyone else - let them do whatever they do. Chances are things aren't as rosy as Facey leads you to believe
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Post by drhickman1983 on May 26, 2022 12:36:07 GMT
It would be one less point of stress so yeah, I'd be *happier*. Would it solve all my issue, no. But it would be a relief. What is it you don't like about your behaviour? When you hear yourself not liking it, who's voice do you hear it in? My laziness - or if it's not laziness then whatever it is that lies at the core of my inaction. My indecisiveness. My lack of ambition or drive. My lack of tenacity. My inability to really sit there and focus. The way I avoid doing stuff. My inability to take risks. Fear of the outcome. It's very much my own voice. |
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2022 12:37:49 GMT
A mate of mine said similar re his weight loss. Going back to measuring success -this is one of the massive negatives of social media. People are constantly comparing themselves to their friends and colleagues. It's nothing new of course, but the reach is so much greater now. Concentrate on you and what makes you and yours happy. Don't worry about anyone else - let them do whatever they do. Chances are things aren't as rosy as Facey leads you to believe Exactly, this is a big thing. Looking through windows into other peoples lives, but you're only seeing what they want you to see, and it's never a true reflection of their reality. Trouble is, that doesn't help us, even knowing that, because we just add it to the pinboard of "stuff I'm not doing as well as other people". |
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Post by quadfather on May 26, 2022 12:40:44 GMT
Jambo has touched on something that's very true. Sometimes having something negative that people can control is a coping technique in itself. As an example, many years ago I started dating someone who wasn't eating much and through talking and listening she came to realise she had so much she wasn't processing but that starving herself was a pain she could control. People maybe think of self harm purely in context of cutting but there's loads of ways it can manifest and a lot of the time it's a way of having control over something. Yes, it does come in many forms. It gets even more complicated though - when I was going through some stuff, I lost loads of weight too. In my case, I was governed by fear and anxiety after my Dad died. The constant anxiety suppressed hunger almost completely. I had to slowly start force feeding myself over time, and it's only about 6 months ago that I've started to turn it around again. It has literally taken years to do because after Dad, there was a fucking litany of other stuff to come, which kept the anxiety going. So I don't think in my case it's because I could focus on the hunger instead of dealing with the thoughts. It was more like I was thinking of the thoughts ALL THE TIME, which made the anxiety manifest itself almost on a continuous basis. |
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Post by drhickman1983 on May 26, 2022 12:41:18 GMT
I genuinely don't really compare myself to others much, I'd at all though, that's one hang up I don't have. And I've deactivated my Facebook anyway so don't really engage with most social media at all.
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Post by quadfather on May 26, 2022 12:43:35 GMT
It would be one less point of stress so yeah, I'd be *happier*. Would it solve all my issue, no. But it would be a relief. What is it you don't like about your behaviour? When you hear yourself not liking it, who's voice do you hear it in? My laziness - or if it's not laziness then whatever it is that lies at the core of my inaction. My indecisiveness. My lack of ambition or drive. My lack of tenacity. My inability to really sit there and focus. The way I avoid doing stuff. My inability to take risks. Fear of the outcome. It's very much my own voice. Is it fear that stops you doing any of these things then? Because you fear the outcome? What if, you thought of something really small to do, but it is something you've not done before. Take a tiny risk at something and see what happens? |
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Post by quadfather on May 26, 2022 12:44:34 GMT
A mate of mine said similar re his weight loss. Going back to measuring success -this is one of the massive negatives of social media. People are constantly comparing themselves to their friends and colleagues. It's nothing new of course, but the reach is so much greater now. Concentrate on you and what makes you and yours happy. Don't worry about anyone else - let them do whatever they do. Chances are things aren't as rosy as Facey leads you to believe Exactly, this is a big thing. Looking through windows into other peoples lives, but you're only seeing what they want you to see, and it's never a true reflection of their reality. Trouble is, that doesn't help us, even knowing that, because we just add it to the pinboard of "stuff I'm not doing as well as other people". But this is *exactly* my point - "stuff I'm not doing as well as other people". So what? Why does it matter? |
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Post by puddleduck on May 26, 2022 12:46:04 GMT
It would be one less point of stress so yeah, I'd be *happier*. Would it solve all my issue, no. But it would be a relief. What is it you don't like about your behaviour? When you hear yourself not liking it, who's voice do you hear it in? My laziness - or if it's not laziness then whatever it is that lies at the core of my inaction. My indecisiveness. My lack of ambition or drive. My lack of tenacity. My inability to really sit there and focus. The way I avoid doing stuff. My inability to take risks. Fear of the outcome. It's very much my own voice. So are you saying at your core that's how you are and you don't like that person? Or are there things that stop you being the person you can be and you don't know how to overcome them? If it's the former, are you sure it's your voice? Or is it the thoughts of others and sounds like your voice? If the latter, what do you think you'd need to change some of those factors? Or none of the above and something else entirely? Please don't feel you have to answer any of that btw  |
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Post by monkman5000 on May 26, 2022 12:46:38 GMT
It's not something I've tried myself, and it obviously won't help with free time or tiredness, but doing some form of voluntary work might do good things for your self-esteem. Even if it were just an hour or so a week.
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Post by drhickman1983 on May 26, 2022 12:50:03 GMT
Bit of both I think.
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Post by Jambowayoh on May 26, 2022 13:08:26 GMT
Yeah it's that working at things where I fall down as I'm really, honestly very lazy and basically stick to the path of least resistance. I'm not helping myself and I'm not really a fan of my behaviour but there you go. Even following my creative career is something I just fell into. I don't think I've really actively pursued anything in my life thus far with any particular drive. It just kind of happened. Oh don't worry I'm pretty lazy, but in regards to thinks like relaxing. I don't personally give a shit if I'm not doing anything with my personal time, if I want to go out somewhere I will, if I don't I won't. The only thing that matters here is who are you trying to please? Do you want to be motivated for yourself or is it to create the impression for other people that you've got your life together, so to speak? Because honestly say you were more motivated, would it make you happy, more fulfilled. I know many motivated people who are unhappy as fuck because they're trying to chase something that they believe will make them complete and as a result more at peace and happy and in reality it's usually the opposite. From what I've read you appear to have a lack of self worth which seems to have resulted you in being very critical of yourself and putting you into that straitjacket of "nothing matters so why bother". You have worth, we all do. Don't ever believe you don't, not for a single minute. |
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2022 13:28:15 GMT
drhickman1983 You definitely have a case of the "wuntys" so I'm following all this with interest. If it's any consolation, what you are describing is VERY similar to myself. I want you to know that you're not alone in thinking this. The house isn't my "thing", but I identify with your need for it. As I said before though, I genuinely beloeve what you are describing is nothing to do with being lazy, and instead is the result of a myriad psychological factors (this isn't me being all couch psychologist, but merely pointing out what I believe). The collision between expectation, aspiration and reality.
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Post by Blue_Mike on May 27, 2022 1:25:54 GMT
I keep telling myself things that are indisputably true as affirmations, as if saying them out loud somehow reinforces me.
"You have a roof over your head."
"You have immediate access to food and water."
"It is comfortable and warm in here."
"There are people you could talk to if you wanted to."
"You made the effort, and you are losing weight."
"You know where all the exits are. Nothing is keeping you here. If you wanted to, you could get up and go for a walk in any direction you please, because you are free to do so."
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Post by quadfather on May 27, 2022 11:23:17 GMT
Yeah, I do that now and again, just to reaffirm things if I'm stressed. It's bloody work that does me in. I'm fine with all the other shit. If I could drop work, it'd be a huge relief.
Plus I've done IT for 32 fucking years. I'm sick of it now!!
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Post by Sarfrin on May 27, 2022 11:52:00 GMT
My laziness - or if it's not laziness then whatever it is that lies at the core of my inaction. My indecisiveness. My lack of ambition or drive. My lack of tenacity. My inability to really sit there and focus. The way I avoid doing stuff. My inability to take risks. Fear of the outcome. It's very much my own voice. Yeah, I recognise that voice. I'm never going to be good enough for it. It's annoying to have a part of you that doesn't like you very much. I try (with varying degrees of success) to ignore it for the arsehole it is and remind myself that there are lots of good things about me. Just look at government for plenty of examples of people you're infinitely more worthwhile than. |
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Post by Deleted on May 28, 2022 4:26:53 GMT
Honestly, I get sad everytime someone likes my "you guys are my best friends" post. I know your intentions are good, but it just reminds me of how true it is and I get super sad.
I don't like expressing my feelings, and I don't even like typing this.
Fuckin', why am I even here?
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Post by Danno on May 28, 2022 10:25:36 GMT
Honestly, I get sad everytime someone likes my "you guys are my best friends" post. I know your intentions are good, but it just reminds me of how true it is and I get super sad. I don't like expressing my feelings, and I don't even like typing this. Fuckin', why am I even here? You need to quit the States dude. Come to London. We'll go bowling |
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Post by puddleduck on May 28, 2022 10:44:31 GMT
Honestly, I get sad everytime someone likes my "you guys are my best friends" post. I know your intentions are good, but it just reminds me of how true it is and I get super sad. I don't like expressing my feelings, and I don't even like typing this. Fuckin', why am I even here? Sorry to read that dude. It's OK to feel like that and typing that out is a huge achievement even if doesn't feel like it |
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Post by Danno on Jun 6, 2022 22:07:16 GMT
Sorry for bumping but I'm having a weird / shit one. On one hand I'm actually feeling like me again. It's been an absolute age. Getting exercise, eating right and having to interact with the world. Who knew that was healthy.
On the other, I am fucking terrified that I've lost the love of my life and to say I've been shaky the last couple of days is very mild. I almost never cry* but I've been in a weird welling up spot all weekend.
Had a welcome but strange chat with my littlest sister yesterday, where we mostly confirmed that our home childhood was very very shit. It was therapeutic, but stung some. I've repressed that stuff forever, despite therapy.
Still. I'm getting it together. I just wish it hadn't taken the mother of all wake up calls to start doing it. It's starting to feel like my life is going to be a series of regrets and self inflicted and or self destructive fuckups.
*This is because I'm an emotional fuckwit, rather than being a super manly super manly man super. Man. Super.
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Post by puddleduck on Jun 6, 2022 22:40:05 GMT
Danno that's amazing to read. There's so many great steps in there you've taken and that would have taken some monumental strength! You might not see it that way because its yourself, but even getting to this point is a massive fuck off achievement. The getting over the loss will be tough for sure, but you will May sound a bit simplistic but if it didn't work out they weren't the love of your life and ultimately they wouldn't have made you feel like that as time passed. I hope you can get to the point where you truly understand your self worth and with that recognise that the love of your life is someone who will make you stronger, not break you. |
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Post by Jambowayoh on Jun 6, 2022 22:52:15 GMT
Danno Have a cry man, it's the most therapeutic and cleansing thing you can ever do, I cried today after welling up watching a movie that got to me on a very specific personal level regarding my previous experience with cancer. I tried to initially fight but just surrendered to it and felt so good.
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Post by Danno on Jun 6, 2022 23:32:23 GMT
Danno that's amazing to read. There's so many great steps in there you've taken and that would have taken some monumental strength! You might not see it that way because its yourself, but even getting to this point is a massive fuck off achievement. The getting over the loss will be tough for sure, but you will May sound a bit simplistic but if it didn't work out they weren't the love of your life and ultimately they wouldn't have made you feel like that as time passed. I hope you can get to the point where you truly understand your self worth and with that recognise that the love of your life is someone who will make you stronger, not break you. I drove her off almost without realising what the fuck I was doing. I have pretty major abandonment issues. Trust me, none of the fault is hers. I'm hoping to do a drinkless day this week and that's... a thing. I'm really low on the booze anyway but taking that next step will be good. I've started "peacocking", apparently. Bought and wore a shirt with some paisley details, put some fume on, even wore shoes for a day (I'm a band tee, jeans and trainers shit.). Felt good. Anyway. I need, need her back. She's literally my other half, and sorting my own half out is the first step. |
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