Depression

Oh no you're fine I didn't take it as a flippant comment.

Yeah that's it isn't it. The trouble I have is I genuinely don't know what they look like. I'm not sure I'll ever be happy.

I never did because I lacked two key things unfortunately - self belief and motivation.

Happy to coast along for years. Just waiting becasue I expected "something" to just come along and hit me. Also because, as Harry intimated above, I was also quite happy to just coast and be too cool to try. Always thought of myself as too much of outsider to do what everyone else is doing. Well guess what. Everyone else is earning a lot more fucking money than me and actually has prospects. D'oh.

Then again, is that everything? I'm not even driven by money, that's the kicker. What am I driven by? Fuck knows. Just a need to create, that gets me nowhere through the week until I'm back in this fucking pit of despair again wondering what in fuck's name I'm doing with myself.

Just ordered a guide book on character illustration and I've got a new graphics tablet coming. Why? Because this week Matthew, I'm going to be an artist. Last week I was a writer. The week before that I was a musician. The week before that on and on zzzzzzz.

I need to get a fucking grip.

I think we have all had our fair share of what I call covid malaise the last few years. The reality of that is it feels just like the depression I was diagnosed with all those years ago except now I have responsibilities and a family to care for. The result being just concentrating on getting what needs doing done and making sure everyone else is happy and cared for and letting all the over stuff slip. Even just normal stuff like garden work has felt like what is the point.
The stuff I actually enjoyed like bonsai, astronomy and photography have suffered greatly, most of my trees are dead and other gear has just been gathering dust. It's been grim.

Now this is all slowly starting to be revived, baby steps but the motivation and taking pride in things is coming back. And I guess something that has been touched upon is not having something to look forward to. Well, the wife and I have discussed what we are going to do when her contract is up and the plan is to move and change the way we go about existing, that is exciting and certainly has given a boost to motivation levels as there is a tangible goal at the end. Then there is the terrifying reality of what to do for income, so again a bit more motivation to study some relevant courses so you don't stumble in blind. I guess I have got a bit of that focus back, it helps. I am even selling my photography now, that had never happened in the past and I have even been published a few times years ago. It's not making much and never been about the money but that is some much needed positive reinforcement.

This stuff comes in waves, ups and downs and I don't have a solution. Sometimes just sharing can let others know they aren't alone, plus it is certainly cathartic. A few months ago my anxiety was at almost crippling levels, it's always there in the background but it diminished until it was almost like a switch just turned it off.
Now I have a couple of weeks holidays starting soon, instead of doing the what had become normal absolutely nothing, I'm actually looking forward to having a massive tidy of the yard and pushing my photography even further. Heck I may even go sit outside and read or listen to tunes like we used to do every single day of the year which we have stopped doing.

Little things that make you happy, baby steps. I even thought about getting a drawing tablet myself but I can't draw so decided to be true and stick with the photo stuff.

I did buy a drawing tablet and actually subbed to Photoshop in an attempt to get me back into drawing.

Needless to say it just means I'm spending 10 quid a month for no reason.

Most of the time if I do bother to plug it in, I usually just can't think of anything to draw. I used to draw loads but just can't get into gear anymore.

I just tend to day dream about being creative instead. Imagine writing something or that somehow my ropey music I make on a playstation program will find an audience.

I would like to do something more creative as a job, but tried that and it didn't work out. Just wish I felt more than a vague like in something.

Yeah, that's part of my issue with my job. Corporate IT for over 30 years now. All ambition left years ago, so it's just a constant slog of 9 hours a day wasting my time in stupid meetings and getting unnecessarily stressed.

Can't wait to start backing off and taking lower paid and lower responsible positions.

I have a 2 year plan, where I should be in a position to tell them to jog on, but if I play my cards right, I might be able to step down in a year tbh.

I've got a friend I've known since high school. He's had the same job since he graduated. They've been trying to give him promotions but he always turns them down because he doesn't want any extra stress. He's bit of an oddball (all of my friends are, tbf). He doesn't have his own bank account - his salary goes into his wife's account and when he wants to go out he asks her if he can have a bit of money. It was his idea too, not hers.

Ignoring how much of an extra hassle the next level up is compared to the one im in, its also the very first one in the firing line during redundancies because its the biggest management layer so, yeah, fuck that.

I think I would still like to continue working if only part time, I just really enjoy teaching. The connections you can make with people have sworn me off ever going back to a career that involves being in an office environment.

That's absolutely my dream.

I mean it's highly unlikely to ever happen, not if I want to continue my relatively comfortable life. But I'd bin work off entirely given the chance.

I find myself far more stressed out and destruction when I'm working.

I've just been on leave for a week, didn't feel like drivingy much at all. Actually went to bed and got up early, just enjoyed the time off.

I'm quite good at making structure for myself if I actually have enough time to spend.

I need the sense of purpose from having a job. I really feel the need to work - regardless of what it is. I even had a job at a cafe some years ago and enjoyed it, people were so happy to get their cup of coffee and their pastries. If I'm not working I feel like I have even less of a reason to be than usual.

I've always worked since I was 17, so I have no idea what it's like to not work.

But whatever I do, as long as it's not in a stressy corporate situation, I'd probably be ok. But at 50, with a heavy interest in creating music all the time, I would definitely like to try to bin off work and then do the music for a while, and if I need structure on top of that, fuck it, I'll get a bar job or work in a garden centre or something.

When I was trying to be an animator / illustrator I had plenty of time between jobs. Ostensibly I should be networking and such, but frankly I loathed that aspect of the job and it's why I ultimately gave up on it, so instead I'd just laze around.

So I had weeks, sometimes months, where I wouldn't really do any paid work. Just pottering about, sometimes working on my own stuff purely for fun. Most of the time just watching shows and playing games, going for walks. It was enjoyable.

My problem now is that I don't have time to watch the things I want to watch, or play the things I want to pay, or read what I want to read. In the evenings after work I just lack the mental energy to really do stuff. Bollocking about on Reddit or, yes, this forum is just easier. And I'm very much a path of least resistance guy.



Even if I lacked motivation to do anything... Well, it wouldn't really be anything different to now. Except I'd have less stress.

I've no interest in trying to make my hobbies a job again. It sucks the fun out of them. As soon as something has to be done to pay the bills it's automatically less fun. Fuck side hustles and fuck the relentless push to monetize and commodify everything.

The thing that pisses me off about work is that it's for 9 fucking hours 5 days a week. That's a lot of energy to be putting into something. If you don't like it (like I dont - I just ended up getting here by just accepting what happened all the time), then you've got to do something about it, because noone else will.

This is why I'm kicking myself up the arse to sort all this shit out, because I am fucked if I am spending the remainder of my time wasting that much energy when I could apply it elsewhere.

I think the only reason I've lasted this long is was because I did enjoy IT (support) when it was all "get it done" and physical work years ago, but now, oh my god, it's just relentless meetings making shillings for the man. It's tragic.