Depression

I think that's really interesting, I could be well off but I'm hearing that you can feel like you've not achieved things but simultaneously aren't sure what it is you want to have achieved?

@wuntyate Do you think it could be that, having turned 40, you feel like you haven't achieved 'success' in one of your creative endeavours, and like time is running out so it might not happen?

That's what I think when you say you need to be being creative to feel good or you feel awful and resentful

I hope you're able to sort it out, wunts. You good people

Dawwwwww

Well, if it is like a mid life crisis or an achievement/success thing, thank fuck for that!

Because we all go through that with varying degrees.

When it hit me, I spent about 8 thousand quid on music gear (all on credit, which completely fucked me up, but I didn't care). I didn't care, because I finally realised what I wanted to do in life. Music. And I think I only had this clarity after my mum died, finally fucking ending that 6 year limbo period (which I'm now having to process, but rather that, than more limbo).

It's got pros and cons just like every thing else. Pro - I can throw myself into my music, and I can spend the rest of my days just tinkering ,creating, pissing about, whatever. I'm happy with that choice and decision. Yeah, there are days where I don't give a shit about music or can't be arsed, but I know it's there to play about with when I'm ready.

The con is, having all that trauma permanently affects you. I no longer have the energy to listen to someone prattle on about something that they think is serious when in reality (or my reality at least), I think it's absolutely nothing. I get into trouble with this one - I'll say what I think, and it's probably too harsh. Especially if it's a pub conversation where I'll definitely say what I think! So as this is a permanent change, it's up to me to tame it a little. Which I'm doing. With a fair degree of success. And if I'm not sure, and I've had 5 pints, and someone says something, if I can't think of something empathic, I'll just shut the fuck up.

The one thing though, that really helped with all of this, is acceptance. Ok, I've lost a lot of things and people. And that's fine. Because that's what happens.

Have you tried just accepting things as they are at the minute? Write down on a piece of paper what's making you feel shit. And then look at it for a minute. And then accept it. Put it to one side and look at it again in a weeks time. Still feel the same? Keep going. Feel different? What's different? Recognition and acceptance are really underrated imo.

I'm a lonely man, not a fussy man.

So today I have been getting grief from me bird for not being divorced yet (after she cancelled on me again), and I just found out the fiance of an old friend of mine was killed recently.

Fuck the world, tbh. Was gonna get blind drunk and call in sick tomorrow but remembered this place and hoping I can blow off steam here for a bit.

Circumstances are weird at the moment; proposal coming up, just had my kid's 6th birthday, just had a payrise, but so much just seems wrong. I'm pretty sure it's just a difficult patch and I'm catastrophising but even the things that are going well seem like they're on a knife-edge and it's just really hard to cope.

Absolutely, categorically do not want any advice. Just need to vent before I reach for the scotch.

No advice. Good decision to come here first. Sounds like you've got a lot going on at the moment.

I'm in a very very similar spot. Had to resort to downing that awful milkshake in a can stuff to make sure I was getting nutrients for the past week. It helped a little bit. Sleep is something I've had a lifelong issue with (big part of my alcoholism) so I tend to roll with that.

If you make it to London and have a spare hour, fancy a pint?

And sorry to hear about your struggles with eating and sleeping. When I was on antidepressants I swore by Huel. Made my farts fucking stink but at least I knew I was getting what I needed...

I occasionally get prescribed zopiclone for sleeping but I do the morning school runs a few times a week and the thought of trying to do that with a zopiclone hangover is... not pleasant. I've been trying plank exercises - about 5 minutes a day, low impact, but they're compound exercises so you get a lot of bang for your buck. Not helping with sleep yet but I feel I've got a little more energy.

I'll be down for meeting up with any of you boys when I'm down for the summer. My cock will be firmly staying in my pants though.

I'll make the journey, tis only a train ride.

I can't recommend therapy (talking therapy, rather than CBT) enough.