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Post by Deleted on May 24, 2022 21:59:57 GMT
Yeah just feeling a bit shit. Like you guys, ups and downs, awondering what the hell I'm doing with my life and missing my kids.
I sacked off antidepressants last year because I couldn't stomach the numbness - I have a marginal preference for the mood swings because at least I feel something, even if the lows suck.
But it's nothing major, just par for the course, and my anxiety is under control for the most part. Tbh the anxiety is worse than the depression, so that's good.
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Post by Deleted on May 24, 2022 22:01:09 GMT
Mainly wanted to express a bit of solidarity - too tired to get into anything else today - and just say that I hope you're all ok. Sometimes that's enough, init.
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Post by Danno on May 24, 2022 22:03:26 GMT
The numbness is all I can handle atm. Not Ms Danno is not not not not Ms Danno, she is quite clear about that.
Hang in there Goat. Get them frowns upside down
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Post by Deleted on May 24, 2022 22:08:58 GMT
I wish I'd done more with the numbness - "done the work" as the Yanks would put it - really taken the time to figure out who I am and where I'm going. Confronted stuff that's otherwise a bit too difficult to face. Proper mental health treatment is so ludicrously difficult to come by and I guess I just decided what's broken in me is broken, and there's no fixing it now.
Anyway, in that spirit, I'm gonna go read some Murakami and escape reality for a bit. Cheers for listening. I'll drop back in more regularly and be a bit more supportive next time!
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Post by Deleted on May 24, 2022 22:09:19 GMT
Aye it's that numbness I can't deal with. I'm still putting off going to the docs. I can't bear the thought of not feeling. I need this shit, no matter how much a fucking rollercoaster it is.
See that scream that was about to burst out? I let it out today. Thankfully no one was near.
Anyway. I'm going back to writing as it's shutting my fucking brain up as it's in danger of tipping over into a not great place. Danno mate there's no easy way through what you've got going on but that old chestnut man, one day at a time. The classes or courses thing might be worth considering. It won't stop you missing her but could give your brain something else to focus on in the meantime to stop the melancholy getting overwhelming.
Hope you're okay goat, it certainly seems you're processing a lot of things as well.
Clarity chaps. We just need some fucking clarity.
It'll come.
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Post by Jambowayoh on May 24, 2022 22:17:54 GMT
I get clarity some days and some days it's just a mess and I somehow just about get through the day. Some days I feel fine about being alone and some days it feels a bit crushing, like my mate's wedding two weeks ago. The carousel of life I guess.
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Post by puddleduck on May 25, 2022 0:28:40 GMT
Guys, I feel for all of you. It's not easy and it sucks to be going through what you are. Talking about it, even a tiny bit online, is such a huge step and I hope you can recognise that as a success.
It's a win, even if you don't realise it at the time because that's always the first step to getting past what you're feeling. The fact you can talk about what you're feeling is why you'll be OK, because that takes a fuck load of strength in itself to get it out your head and if you've been able to make that one step you've already proven you can take more.
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Post by Aunt Alison on May 25, 2022 7:20:23 GMT
The numbness is all I can handle atm. Not Ms Danno is not not not not Ms Danno, she is quite clear about that. Hang in there Goat. Get them frowns upside down Are you still in touch with her then? Didn't she move to Canada?
Unsolicited advice, so feel free to ignore it, but I think staying in contact might be doing you more harm than good. If it's over, you need to accept that and move on. By holding on to the hope that she might change her mind, you're putting yourself through getting rejected again and again. Don't torture yourself
Convincing yourself that you need her to be happy will just stop you looking forward. You aren't alone - at the bare minimum, you have this place
Most people who've been in a serious relationship have been where you are now and you get through it. Unless this is your only relationship, you know that too
It's nice to think that someone will save us and make everything alright but did you really not have any problems when you were together? You seem to be doing well with your drinking now, you've got a new job (which you seem quite happy with). Focus on these things and keep moving forward
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2022 8:49:29 GMT
I get clarity some days and some days it's just a mess and I somehow just about get through the day. Some days I feel fine about being alone and some days it feels a bit crushing, like my mate's wedding two weeks ago. The carousel of life I guess. Weddings are always a fucker. Everyone else bears witness to this absolute ideal that we feel as though we must spend our lives working towards. We want the bride and groom to be happy but it flags up all the doubts and ill feelings that we have inside about ourselves, the past and the future.
That's why I get shitfaced every wedding. Sweet oblivion. Or rather, these days, just don't go.
My best mate from school can't seem to meet someone, and he's been alone for so long. He's got himself a wee dog for company and that helps me a bit knowing that he at least has that to look after. It tears me up that he's not with anyone though, he's an awesome guy. In all hoensty, if I hadn't met my wife when I did, I don't know these days how or where I would meet someone. It seems so fucking difficult, especially as we get older. Also, you genuinely never know what will happen, but I can imagine that being comfortable in yourself is so important in the meantime. Then again, who is. It's not easy, especially as another facet of getting older is all the invisible rocks we put on our backs, weighing ourselves down with all the mental baggage we accrue. I sometimes worry about how much of my own shit I'm shovelling upon my family, and geuinely feel it would be better for them to be away from me sometimes.
A carousel, as you say. Good / shit / great / awful / fine / meh / cloud fucking nine / depths of the mariana trench.
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Post by Aunt Alison on May 25, 2022 8:59:31 GMT
Sounds like you're overthinking it to be honest, wunty. Just from some of your posts on here recently you seem terrified of offending people. You're not offensive, at all. No one thinks that
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2022 9:11:53 GMT
I'm overthinking fucking everything just now. That's part of the problem.
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2022 9:14:06 GMT
I'm not afraid of offending people, it's just I'd rather not. In this glorious age of keyboard warriors and everyone spouting forth vile shit over nothing at the drop of a hat, I'd rather just be one of the people that remembers there's a human being behind every silly avatar. That's why this place is so nice, because there's none of that shite.
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Post by puddleduck on May 25, 2022 9:16:10 GMT
I'm overthinking fucking everything just now. That's part of the problem. Do you have things you know act as a trigger? When you find yourself beginning to overthink everything do you have any coping techniques or people you can talk to? |
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Post by Aunt Alison on May 25, 2022 9:19:40 GMT
But you're just not an offensive person in the first place and if someone took something you said the wrong way, it's not the end of the world. Sometimes there's misunderstandings online, it's one of the pitfalls but it's not something you should worry about. Wait until someone says 'hey wunty, I'm really offended by that' and then just say sorry or it wasn't intentional. No worries
I suppose it comes down to accepting you're not perfect. No one is, but you know you're a good person and you care about people, that should be enough
And I also think the answer to overthinking sometimes is to just not do that, as difficult as that may seem. You can drive yourself mad over analysing everything. I knew someone who got her she into such a state from reading so many self help books
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Post by quadfather on May 25, 2022 9:21:53 GMT
Ah. What's this bit then? |
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Post by quadfather on May 25, 2022 9:26:42 GMT
I'm overthinking fucking everything just now. That's part of the problem. When I'm stressed at work, I get this. I've actually just got over a big hump of it as it happens, only yesterday. It completely affects me in every other area of my life, making it a total pain in the arse. I end up getting myself into a right state, and then a while later, I realise that it doesn't even matter. I tell myself what's the worst that can happen? And the answer is, I fuck up something at work, and worst case is I lose my job. Big fucking deal. I'll get another one. However, the thing is, I know that I get anxious when work is super busy, so I know it is that, that is my trigger. So what's making you overthink? There will be 1 thing that's triggering it. Always is. |
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2022 9:30:43 GMT
Aunt Alison There's no doubt countless reasons going way back as to why I'm like this, just that it's manifesting more now because of all the shit that's happening. I'll either stabalise or unravel to the extent I'll need to finally go to the doc. puddleduck The triggers are if I've had a couple of days where I've not done anything creative. I feel like I'm going to explode and I start to resent every one and every thing which then in turn makes me feel like a vile person. Take today for example. I feel good, because I started a new story last night and finally finished this fucking album I'm doing. Yet if I don't manage time for anything tonight, I'll be in a right dick of a mood tomorrow. I basically just need to chill the fuck out and enjoy life more, only there's a great big fucking clock ticking behind the walls that I can't ignore. Anyway. Enough. I'm a broken fucking record. There's a mountain of work on my desk that's not even funny.
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Post by Dougs on May 25, 2022 9:55:54 GMT
Not thinking about it is how I cope with my anxieties and worries. It's why I fill my head with meaningless shite, whether that's football, games, TV/film and music. I always have music on for example. Silence leads to my mind going to dark places so I push it away. Prob not healthy, but works for me!
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Post by scanline on May 25, 2022 10:06:22 GMT
Not thinking about it is how I cope with my anxieties and worries. It's why I fill my head with meaningless shite, whether that's football, games, TV/film and music. I always have music on for example. Silence leads to my mind going to dark places so I push it away. Prob not healthy, but works for me! Can relate - always need to avoid the void. |
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Post by quadfather on May 25, 2022 10:23:09 GMT
Aunt Alison There's no doubt countless reasons going way back as to why I'm like this, just that it's manifesting more now because of all the shit that's happening. I'll either stabalise or unravel to the extent I'll need to finally go to the doc. puddleduck The triggers are if I've had a couple of days where I've not done anything creative. I feel like I'm going to explode and I start to resent every one and every thing which then in turn makes me feel like a vile person. Take today for example. I feel good, because I started a new story last night and finally finished this fucking album I'm doing. Yet if I don't manage time for anything tonight, I'll be in a right dick of a mood tomorrow. I basically just need to chill the fuck out and enjoy life more, only there's a great big fucking clock ticking behind the walls that I can't ignore. Anyway. Enough. I'm a broken fucking record. There's a mountain of work on my desk that's not even funny. What's this great big clock ticking about? |
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Post by quadfather on May 25, 2022 10:30:37 GMT
Not thinking about it is how I cope with my anxieties and worries. It's why I fill my head with meaningless shite, whether that's football, games, TV/film and music. I always have music on for example. Silence leads to my mind going to dark places so I push it away. Prob not healthy, but works for me! I can't do this. I *need* silence a lot of the time, otherwise hecticness just pisses me off. I was around a mates the other day and he has his kids twice a week. There were 2 dogs going mad, him and his missus, and 2 kids, and myself, plus his missus's mum was there, and it was just a cacophony. Completely did my head in after 2 minutes. I go to dark places when I do nothing too, but it's mainly traumatic stuff that's happened to my family. However, I have to go there, otherwise it doesn't get processed. It's taking a LONG time and MULTIPLE visits to this dark place and fuck knows how far through I am, but I do know that while it's painful sometimes (and it can be really fucking painful), it's the right thing to do, it's normal, and it needs fucking doing. Otherwise, I'm going to bottle it up, become resentful and generally end up worse. Yeah, it's dark, but it's also normal, and there are ways to process it. |
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Post by quadfather on May 25, 2022 10:34:06 GMT
Also, I did the doctor thing too, and he said a) referral to a counsellor, and b) pills.
I did A, and it practically changed my life within 4 weeks.
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Post by quadfather on May 25, 2022 10:37:10 GMT
Also!
When you start to hit 40 / 50, I think this is generally when your brain says, "Is this it then?" which leads to, "what the fuck am I doing with my life?" and you start bringing up all kinds of shit in your mind.
And then people start buying sports cars etc.
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2022 11:03:59 GMT
quadfatherTime of course. I'm acutely aware of each minute that passes and all I'm not doing when it does. All I've not done. The opportunities I've had and fucking squandered. I was a fucking bright young bastard. Jesus. I could have done so fucking much.
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Post by quadfather on May 25, 2022 11:11:06 GMT
quadfather Time of course. I'm acutely aware of each minute that passes and all I'm not doing when it does. All I've not done. The opportunities I've had and fucking squandered. I was a fucking bright young bastard. Jesus. I could have done so fucking much. Ok, so what is it you need to do, and what are you going to do about it? Or is it because you don't know what to do, and time is ticking and it's frustrating? Past is done now and I'm sure everyone in the world will say the same about missing opportunities. So isn't the most important thing to learn about what you've missed out on in the past and put a plan in for now onwards to enjoy the time you have left? I was talking to my sister about a very similar thing, and when these things happen, you panic and get frustrated that you've not done stuff etc, and she mentioned that's why it's important to recognise that, and if there's something you want to do, now is the time to do it. Otherwise, when are you going to do anything? |
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Post by puddleduck on May 25, 2022 11:35:24 GMT
quadfatherTime of course. I'm acutely aware of each minute that passes and all I'm not doing when it does. All I've not done. The opportunities I've had and fucking squandered. I was a fucking bright young bastard. Jesus. I could have done so fucking much. I'm sure you already know that it's actually easier to focus on what you didn't do instead of what you can do. The past is all knowns, it's quite easy to look at it and think of how different it could have been. Taking that, processing it and using it to inform what you then do is the hard part of course! Do you ever stop and think about all the great things you've done? You love writing, you took a course, you do it and feel better when you do. That's amazing. You met someone, you had a kid. You have a relationship with that kid that sounds strong. That's something so many people find challenging, that's on you for building that relationship. Everytime you do something you enjoy, that's something you made happen. You do things that might seem easy to you but you're also talking about all the hard things you have to overcome to do those things. You are awesome  Oh and to add in. I was also a bright young bastard but didn't do many of the things I maybe could have done. But then, maybe part of my own self reflection is I clearly wasn't as smart as I thought I was if I didn't recognise how much hard work or drive or so many other skills were as important as being a quick witted little know it all shit. And knowing that is OK cos I can use that to know that unless I really want to do something I won't. |
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2022 12:06:03 GMT
Oh the rational part of my brain knows all of this, and says the exact same thing to others. Funny that isn't it. We never take our own advice or pay attention to our own insights.
I am very thankful to have my wife and child who love me unconditionally, but as I say, I then worry about what shit I subconsciously load on to them. But I suppose I'm there for them too, and it's a two-way street. So rational brain knows all this is fine, and normal, then irrational brain pipes up and goes "oooh but you're fucking them up."
It's quite funny as we were at a small family thing a few weeks ago and out of nowhere my sister-in-law said "I feel like things are only just beginning for you", and I do feel as though I'm building towards something. That's fine going on the presumption that there will be time for whatever that thing is to happen. Yet still, I just look back and say to myself "I could have made this happen before now", but then I obviously wasn't ready for that thing - whatever the fuck it is - to happen.
Ach. It all looks worse than it is. All this makes me look like a fucking daily mess, but I'm pretty together most of the time. I'm just purging what's in my head. Lucky you chaps.
You're all right, of course. Which I know. Rationally, I know.
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Post by puddleduck on May 25, 2022 12:09:36 GMT
What does success look like for you?
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Post by quadfather on May 25, 2022 12:54:58 GMT
The other realisation I've come to accept recently is that life is fucking fragile and very very short. I turned 50 at the end of March which makes you reflect - like a pit stop in life. I drink like a fish, smoke too much, don't exercise, have a stressful job, lost marriage, lost house, lost cash, lost mum, lost dad, nearly lost sister to cancer.
It has made me very humbled to even have an existence, and has put everything into perspective. Which, while I still get stressed at work, has made me wake the fuck up and start enjoying what time I have left.
Don't leave things until it's too late. Start doing them. Now. Live!
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2022 13:58:28 GMT
What does success look like for you? I can't actually answer that tbh. It's not the "thing" I'm looking for, that much I'm sure. Success in any field, in my mind, brings it's own share of baggage and issues. I'm not looking for a quick fix or a quantative milestone. Not sure what I'm looking for, but hey ho. |
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