Depression

Sounds good dude. I know where you are with the mood swings, they suck.

quadfather

It's coming up to the one year anniversary of my wife's mums death and she's the same. Has been for the past 12 months tbh. She's self employed and not been able to work properly for months, really struggling in a lot of ways. I'm being as supportive as I can but you know how it goes, you don't listen to the ones who are close to you in the same way. She's been getting counselling which has enabled her to at least openly shed a tear, something which she hasn't even done since her dad passed in 2012. She seems a bit more in touch with her emotions now but everything is a struggle, every day.

Anyone you can make an appointment with and speak to? It's not "solving" things for her, but it's enabling her to process a little better.

Maybe that's what you need. A change of scene?

I get you though. I think. Although I can only speak as an observer, having not yet had to deal with that type of grief first hand (although I suppose as they were my in-laws, I did and still do grieve for their passing. We didn't always have the greatest relationship but I met my wife 20 years ago and them not long after, so I knew them a long time, but my grief is obvsiously nowhere near the level my wife's is, and she's got a load of familial issues across her whole life to process as well as mourn).

I get the limbo thing too. Trapped, waiting for the inevitable but not knowing when, or exactly what would be the trigger point.

I got debt free when my granny died last year. I get paid peanuts, I'll never earn loads (which is part of my own issues) despite being degree educated and - not to blow my own trumpet here - I'm pretty good at what I do (graphic design going back to my mid teens, so 25 odd years at it every day) but I've ended up in a tiny business, with no progression, doing the same thing day in day out. I say same thing, it's not, every day is different, but it's the same regardless.

Thing is, I have no wish to change jobs, or go for something higher paid because I'm comfortable here. I can walk from home, I can choose how my day pans out, I have a massive say in what goes on on a daily basis. It's just a small business. Really small, so I'm capped. I feel trapped in the mornings, strangled and gasping for air, but by the afternoon I'm great and everything is swell. I could take another job and not be able to devote time to family, music, writing and running, which are the things that keep me feeling alive (such as it is).

I'm digrerssing. We're talking about you. Maybe a change of job is the way to go. Less pressure? My mate earns three times what I do, yet he's never home, doing 14 hour days and stressed out his nut. I have less money but more free time. I should be happy. I'm not. Fuck knows what will fix that. My brain's a tangled web of bullshit right now.

I'm off talking about me again. I feel for my wife. She's struggling far more than me (she's also perimenopause and taking HRT, it's all fucking her brain ten times worse than mine).

Din't know where I'm going here.

A change of scene would be interesting. The thing is, 3 years ago, I got out of a corporate IT job because it was doing my nut in, commute was mental and stressful all the time. So I got another corporate IT job in a different location. And of course, it's turned out that this one is just as stressful as the previous one, plus I ballsed up and I have to drive on the m60, which is like drinking your own piss. So I fucked up there.

The thing is, I'm conscious of the fact that if I wipe my debt out, that alone is going to reduce some stress. Then if I have a bit more time, that in turn gives my head more capacity and I might be able to get myself in a more comfortable position. So I'm a bit reluctant to make any rash decisions.

Plus, when the shits hitting the fan, the last thing you want to do is add another massive shitty change on top of it. So I dunno, I'll see how I feel when I clear the debts.

Your job sounds ideal to me. That's what I want - something where I just keep doing something I'm ok at, which I can leave when I walk out of the door and not be dreading the next day. Which is really unhealthy in the long run.

And now I'm talking about me again

The menopause can really fuck things up - that's a very good point - it won't be easy, but the good news there is that's temporary at least.

Sounds to me like it's not your job that's making you frustrated. Sounds very much like something else. Or a combination of things. Combo's always fuck you up.

Which is another reason why I'm a bit reluctant to tell my current employer to go fuck themselves at the minute. It would definitely help short term, but I need to make the right decision, take my time, break it all down into manageable bits. The debts being number 1.

Yeah man that's definitely the key. Breaking it all down. The truth is that I don't fully know what's putting me all over the shop. I always have been, I know that. I changed jobs loads and moved around loads in my early to mid 20s and was never happy. In fact I've never been in a darker place than I was in my early 20s. I painted a lot back then, fucked up stuff. It helped.

I think I just always need to be creating something. Perhaps I should just by now learn to deal with the fact there's stuff going on I'll never have a grip of, but so long as I can channel it somewhere. Except it's fucking winning just now, whatever it is. I feel like I'm drowning half the day.

You're right though, best not make any career choices when you're in the headspace you are now. One thing at a time. From what I glean from my wife, grief is a great big octopus that's constantly all over you and you can never get a firm enough hold of it to pull it off you (that's obviously not her words...). One that manifests at random points and can fuck up perfectly good days.

I've got a mate who is very similar. If he's not got something creative going, it does his head in. It doesn't matter what it is, as long as it's creative, and he's doing it. That's all he needs.

Maybe now you're older and realising what life contains and what it can throw at you, you need *your* thing, whatever it is. 

Mid life crises' never help either.

I totally get the drowning thing. When I stare into the distance in my car at work for a cig break (because I simply can't be arsed talking to the office people that I don't really know at the cig stand thing), I'll start to form it all in my head and it just overloads me.

I like the octopus analogy.

Mine feels like waves. It's like when it all started, it was like being dropped 50 foot into a really rough sea - waves constantly battering you over and over again. And the next day, and the next week, and the next month, and the next year. And then over time, you slowly realise the waves are receding over time. You'll still always get them because grief never goes away, but you have respite between them, and the time between them arriving gets larger each time. Takes fucking years though, that's the bastard.

Exactly. Look at animals. When one dies, half the other animals shrug and then probably eat it. Because that's what their dna says to do. Same with all of nature.


But humans? No, we're not content with that, we need to evolve and create a stupid fucking thing called society. Progress I guess. Except now all our emotions are skewed because we're not really meant to be like this, so we're told that when someone dies it's the end of the world. And we start to get confused. I suppose the society enables us to get closer, which in turn makes it all the harder when someone goes.

No, it'll never be the same without nan now. And it's this adjustment period where its super acute that we have to get our head round before we come to some resemblance of acceptance which finally let's us let it go.

I need a drink.

quadfather @wuntyate

I hope you make it through the tar and start to breathe again.*

I can't promise I'll help, but I'm always, always on the end of a PM or a voicechat for a vent. And that might help a bit.

*horrible analogy, but reflects how it makes me feel. Sozz

You alright dude? Can always PM me, always

The whole being and feeling horribly alone thing isn't gonna change is it

Rhetorical Q. Just venting.

It absolutely can. You also know it can but are just in the fog at the moment so it's hard to see outside that so the negative triggers are winning for a bit.

It fucking will change man. It doesn't help now knowing that, but it will. Because you want it to, but yeah, it takes time. Any clubs / evening classes you can join or take? Anything to meet people? Up here they even do things like mens clarity walks where guys meet up and literally just go for a walk and a chat with like minded individuals. There's such a bigger focus on mental health these days and there are channels and things out there that are available to you. Don't be afraid to have a look and see what you can get involved in. 

I'm great at saying this to other people, you know what a cluster fuck my head is as well just now man but there is stuff out there, you don't have to be alone so much. It's not an easy step to take. 

There was a time when I was low (really low) a few years back. Signed up to a writing class. I'm still writing now, and at the time the interaction with people REALLY helped me. It was enough to be able to claw my brain out the fucking sink it had settled in. 

I was going to meet you online for a chat. I still am, and if I can catch you on later in the week I'll give you a shout. I'm a sporadic shambles with my evenings because of, other stuff, but I will. 

I'm talking about myself again (as you know I do), but in this case it's to let you know I can fucking relate. Loads of us here can. That's why this place is great, because there's always one of us cunts floating about for an ear. 

Hang in there chief. Evenings and night times are the worst. Too much time to think.

Maybe I should've discovered this thread before buying an engagement ring.

Hang in there fellas.