The Reviews of Shit Fast Food Thread

Right, I don't need to be asked twice.

Firstly, the chips. Here, almost all chip shops use pre-cut frozen chips, and not only do they seem to think this is okay, but some places proclaim proudly that they're using, for example, McCains chips. And they must be crispy - all chips in NZ have to be crispy at all times, anything else is tantamount to heresy. Kiwis consider British chip shop chips to be soggy.

To be honest, although I miss proper chips, those here don't bother me that much. I do find it puzzling why you wouldn't want your chip shop to make their own, but hey-ho.

The real issue is the fish. Some places offer a selection of fish species, but many just offer 'fish', which is immediately highly concerning. Either way you are likely to end up with something that is old, tasteless, mushy, and almost certainly frozen - fresh fish seems rare outside the South Island. It's rare to find fillets thicker than a fish finger.

Then there's the 'batter'. Kiwi chip shops seem to be unable to properly batter and fry a piece of fish. The batter is usually soggy, and bits stick to the fillet whilst some slide off. It somehow manages to be simultaneously gossamer thin and disgustingly heavy, coupled with mushy fish it's really unpleasant. I don't understand why they don't cook a battered fish until it's nice and crispy. I can only conclude that Kiwis like it this way, but I find this difficult to believe.

You can get crumbed fish, which is generally a bit better, although you still have the underlying problem of the terrible, aged mush of unknown origin within the crumb.

Then there's the condiments. No vinegar here, apparently it used to be popular but no more. Everyone puts tomato ketchup on their fish and chips, yes, the fish as well. You have to pay for a little pottle or tin of ketchup or tartare at the chippy, but salt is free. No curry sauce or mushy peas.

I remember asking for vinegar in a chippy when I first got here: 'Vinegar?! What, on your chips?!' He looked at me like I'd asked him if I could fuck his wife.

I don't why it's like this, and why people tolerate it. Okay, I think the chips are boring and uniform and would like the option of chippy chips knowing that I can get these blessed crispy chips almost everywhere else, but whatever. The fish though, fuck me, it's a disgrace. A disgrace. A shameful disgrace.

The reality is that there are actually very few fish and chip shops here, almost all of them are actually full-up Chinese takeaways that also do chippy stuff. albeit really badly. As such common accompaniments are spring rolls, wontons, chop suey, fried rice etc. As well as some actually interesting Kiwi things like kumara chips. 

I have had nice fish and chips here, once, at a place called Cooper's Catch in Kaikōura. A piece of fresh blue cod, nice light, crispy batter - so it can be done, and the place is famous, so the Kiwis like it.

Kiwis dislike British-style because, as said, the chips are 'soggy'. They also seem to think that whatever you get at a British chippy will have spent hours in the heater. Well, the first point may be slightly valid, they are definitely softer, and the addition of vinegar may make them softer still. Actually, though you have big, melt-in-your-mouth chips which, when fresh, should have a little bit of bite. You then also have smaller crunchy chips, and, if you're elite, scraps. As for the heater thing, WTF? Unless you're going at some weird time nothing will have been in the heater for more than a few minutes.

I should say that fish and chips throughout most of the UK are fucking terrible as well. Perhaps I'm spoiled coming from the land of fish and chips, probably one of the only upsides of growing up in north Lincolnshire. I think a lot of Kiwis must have their 'British fish and chip experience' in London, which would not be optimal.

Before Load gets stuck in, I should restate that pies and sushi are far better here. Maybe the beer too. Also, I should say that F&Cs here are really cheap, so that's something.