NaNoWriMo

Starting from your favourite scene and then following your posts to the present.



“She had nodded sincerely, and then ran off upstairs to her bedroom to play with her toys. Adam wondered what age it was when your child actually listened to you and took heed of what you said. He wondered if it was any age, and thought that it probably wasn’t.”

This one was especially good. But the scene was great in general.

What I like here is, that while I am thrown into the middle of a story, it already works and I’m getting to know the characters. Also works as a good opening chapter. We already have the thing with the dreams, that it is a common occurrence. We have the wife who may or may not actually be some kind of immortal and a very warm situation that paints a very positive picture of family life. Which fits well with the protagonists thought of wanting to freeze this perfect moment in time. At the same time with the nightmare (?) and the specific wish and the unageing partner we have a possible foreshadowing at something darker and more sinister.

Also, your writing style is very clean and has a really good flow.



“Back when Violet was born, Adam’s mother - still very much alive at that point, before the cancer had returned and aggressively taken her - had remarked that he should enjoy the time as much as he could. That work wasn’t as important. That nothing was. Because they really do grow up so fast. It was an old cliche, and she had even laughed as she said it. “

Another example of the darkness gnawing at the edges of the scene.



“She was not the most articulate child with her fingers, and there was a part of him that resented that, if he was being honest with himself.”

And darker still.



““It’s this boy and he finds this staircase that -”

Like in the nightmare… hmm…





“His hair was glitter and his cheeks red blotches under his large sightless eyes.”

Nice disturbing detail.





And holy fucking shit, everything turned into Silent Hill all of a sudden.





That was really good and weirdly enough, as is it would also make a good opening chapter. It has a good hook at the very beginning, the family life part is written in a very engaging way and it feels warm and cozy, you do insert some very well-placed hints of a darker nature which can be explained away in different directions. And at the end you go full horror movie, which works very well because of the established emotional ties between all characters in the scene. The real shock doesn’t come from the gore and violence but how you destroyed the situation along with any sense of reality there.

Very, very well done.





OK starting with the new Cycle. Let’s see how far I get today.



Part I - Cycle III - Scene I



Again, we wake up with the protagonist. Strange things happening, nothing feels quite real.



Love the invitation.

“Ten years to the day since Mr d’Marcan crossed over.”

That is an interesting choice of words considering the situation.



The whole chapter is really good. I especially like the way you keep using small details like the colour of the light, the motes of dust and others parts of the environment to reinforce and inform the feeling carried by the scene.





“Here he sat, the once promising artist Adam Campion. The successful illustrator, Adam Campion. Adam Campion, family man. Husband to a living wife, father to a bright and beautiful daughter. Owner of a large house in an exclusive part of the country. Connections with bestselling authors and musicians. People of influence who asked for him by name. Yet it wasn’t any of those Adams that sat trying in vain to open a stupid bloody chair. It was this Adam. This new Adam that had emerged from that damn cocoon. It was this Adam that existed now and he had to make do with him. The embarrassment of him.”

I especially love this paragraph. It sums up the essence of the character and his situation.



This chapter and the last I read could almost be chained together, without losing momentum. This isn’t a recommendation, it just how well the vibe of your story flows. I think that there should be at least one bridging chapter between this one and the last I read. There is a clear connecting line between them though.



“Embarrassment. Exuding from him in waves now. He wouldn’t be able to afford to send money for his daughter.

He couldn’t even open this fucking chair.

An epiphany. This was the wrong Adam. He was the wrong Adam.“



This is also a great way to close the chapter and open this part of the story. Is he the wrong Adam? Is he just a man gone crazy because he has been consumed by who he “should” be? Really great work.







On to:



Part I - Cycle III - Scene II

This was another wild ride.

I liked the opening. Your description of the awkward conversation with the therapist was really good. The “invasion” of the ivy was also very cool.

I think the moment when really shatters again could be a bit clearer. As one moment Adam is in the office with his doctor/therapist and then suddenly he is “elsewhere” and everything is like a fever dream or drug trip (in a good way), followed by the phone call and the thing in the walls.

The scene is very confusing but in a way that works well with the narrative, the shift towards the “shattered reality” could be more clear.

Apart from that it is captivating. You have a very good grasp for how to build unease and destroy the sense of reality around the protagonist and the reader.





Part I - Cycle III - Scene III



„“Gotcha!” Adam exclaimed as he finally prized the chair apart.”

And we are back in the main shard from scene 1. Intriguing.



““Please yes.” He didn’t know how he would pay for it. He supposed one of his credit cards still had a little left. It would have to do. He couldn’t turn up in a regular taxi, or walk. These people…He hadn’t seen them for years, and still didn’t know why the hell he was going. “

Hell certainly is other people…



And here appears the connection to the last scene. So it was Dr. Fleet who made Adam go to the exhibition.

This is a good connection to the last chapter, reinforces the character you introduced earlier. It also helps establish that what we are seeing here probably is base reality.



Interesting how the conversation on the phone went to shit. On one hand that’s really bad costumer service especially given the level of the company. On the other hand as Adam never had a chance to actually say where the new address even is, I think that the good man is being massively paranoid and overreacting.

You really nail the character of a person who has been utterly consumed by their pride.



The other voice is also intriguing. Again going in cold into the story I can’t tell if Adma is just insane or if there is something massively strange going on here.



A question: as this is already pretty deep into the story, is it clear what is happening to Adam for the reader? A bit of mystery in the beginning is intriguing, but it will wear thin after a while. Knowing if Adam is insane or knowing that Adam thinks he might be insane but is actually caught in a supernatural phenomenon would enhance the way the story plays in different ways.



“He knew that, but he had managed to clean up as best he could and - once he straightened his back - he could actually pass for shabby chic, which was generally his look before his life shattered and fell apart around him.

“You’ll do,” he muttere […]“

After how dark and bitter the previous scenes played so far, this bit here is heartwarming in a tiny but significant way. It makes me realise how much of an asshole Adam has been to himself all of the time.

This bit of positive energy really helps the story to breath a bit. The reader can relax a bit together with the protagonist. This is a really good story beat.



It also helps achoring the following bit in mudane reality:

“WHUMP

The wall shook beside him, and a small cough of plaster dust fell from the ceiling.

He admonished himself. He needed to take action. To say something. Something more. He shouldn’t have to put up with that. What the hell was Yana doing in there?“



This now reads normal and mundane. Without you taking us back to a more relaxed perspective this would have vibed more with the last scene that felt far more like horror.



This also work well with the Scene with Denys the neighbour. Nice one two combo of supernatural menace and mundane and harmless bit of everyday life.



The footsteps on the floor are a great little detail, like the bit in the scene from the last cycle.



And again very well balanced, light and dark mixture. And what is in that room…





Part I - Cycle III - Scene IV



The flow of the last scene was too good I had to go one. So well done. 😊



Oh boy, the following scene, gave me a bit of whiplash. So we are suddenly at the exhibition? Maybe in another place entirely. And there is the woman that doesn’t age again. (was it Amber?). I think this opening could have used a little bit more detail after the poem just to establish were exactly we are right now. Also Adam wondering how the hell he landed in this place after going through his neighbours door could come a bit earlier. It’s really good lamp shading by the way.



““I’m glad you were able to come,” she said. She smelled of exotic spices and flowers that only grow in far off foreign climes, under strange stars and a sun that was a stranger to him.”

This description is great.



I love the conversation with Daphne and how it flows.

By now I really would like to know what Adam is caught in, a frame of reference of what reality is in this story would be really helpful (for me). This is strong on the personal opinion side. You nail continuous shifts of reality one unfolding after the other to great effect. There will be readers who will love this constant unfolding, I am also having fun adapting my interpretation of what is “really” going on scene by scene, right now Daphne seems to be some kind of fair folk creature who has caught Adam in some kind of shard or created reality.

I would by now very much like to know where exactly it is that Adam is caught in. (as this is a longer story maybe you already did that a long time ago) Every puzzle piece is enticing and you certainly put the work in it to make them resonate and fit with each other, which is great work. I feel that knowing at least a few base points of Adam’s real situation would help the reader to understand a scene better.

Is Daphne a figment of his imagination that keeps appearing? Is it a memory? Is it a supernatural force and if so: is it kind, neutral or predatory in nature? Is Adam slipping in an out of a fantasy world or different realities?

Knowing that will enhance scenes like this. If Daphne was an old lover long gone, lost to his prideful personality the very same scene will read radically different to one where Daphne is a fey creature who is preying on the emotions of Adam etc…





Back to the story.

““Habituation I expect.” She nodded as she spoke. “I imagine you are so used to taking that around with you that you don’t notice when you are carrying it any more. It’s quite common. Like tuning out this background noise.”

As she spoke, Adam become aware of the numerous conversations going on near by, the noise so very nearly overwhelming.

“But if you focus on my voice, all that will go, and you’ll non longer hear it. “

She was right. The background din receded instantly. Now it was just her, and him. With nothing else but silence, as though he were in a television program and the sound mix had just been altered. The supporting cast had their microphones muted.“



This is another great bit.



““I am nothing if not blessed with a good memory,” Mamoulean said, allowing himself a wry smile. “For what it is worth, you had potential. It was within your grasp if you had stayed true to your craft.””

Ouch…

The interaction with the critic was another aspect of horror well crafted. I like how Adam can’t stop himself of being (an understandably) bitter asshole and making Vemier Mamoulean appear like a cold dismissive force of nature.





“His eyes adjusted and everything around him fell away. There. In the dark. The deepest dark. Only a few strokes. An afterthought.

The staircase.“



Nice callback!

You weave the central elements of your story together really well.





Bonus point of to be proud of, I didn’t intend to read for so long but you manage to write quite the page turner here so on to:



Part I - Cycle III - Scene IV (cont'd)





I like the way you describe the painting and its effect.





““There’s one in each of his pieces, but not everyone sees them.” She breathed. Her breath smelled of the champagne she had been sipping, and strawberries. It mingled with her perfume. The scent of

far off endless summer in forgotten scorched lands

a summer’s day. „

This one again is just great. Another thing that you balance really well inside of the narrative and its flow is making the reader relax of a feeling of normalcy for a good while and then gently reminding them like at this point that there is something unsettling going on. This has some of the better qualities of Lovecraft’s implications of the supernatural.





the rest of the chapter also flowed well.

The hallways with the portraits of the machine infested people was a cool bit, especially considering Adam’s situation.



Of course Daphne suddenly disappears.



As mentioned before you work really well with the mundane and the eerie.



The rest of the scene is calm and fill in more blank in the story giving context and providing us with information.

I love the description of the gallery own.



And there is Daphne again and the unveiling is probably going to be something horrific.



And you don’t disappoint.



The strong point about the constantly mutating framework of your story is that I really have no clue what will be in that picture. Something mundane but painful, the staircase again or something else entirely.

You are really good at building suspense, shifting between the ways reality presents itself and keeping the reader on their toes.