I've dumped most of it here:
mycrapnanoblog.blogspot.com/2022/11/Let me know if there isn't a chapter one as for some reason it's not loading for me, even though it's definitely there, it's not displaying when going to my blog page.
Anyway. Feel free to not read any of it. It's not been edited and is my raw brain funk just spewed out.
Oh, look at the time.
It’s feedback time.
Chapter 1
I see that staring in isolation is a theme this year. X-D
And damn, that’s a strong hook. You take us right into the action and more importantly into the emotional space of the protagonist. And it is already looking dire. There is uncertainty, menace, the cold, fog, exhaustion. I’m not even a dozen lines in and I’m hooked by the building tension. Bravo!
““Where had Tom gone?
He had called out. Tom had called his name.
“Jacob!”
One word. A cry of alarm. Shock. Jacob had slipped, that was all. A slight stumble on something wet underfoot, not surprising given the conditions. He had gone down on his hands and knees, the gravel digging in to his skin. Pain, but surmountable - it would pass. He rose to get up to continue his run. A moment of surprise that his friend did not help him up. It’s the sort of thing that Tom would have done.””
Oh interesting… after pasting it into Word the formatting was clearer… in the blog itself there are no line breaks which makes it harder to follow. The jump back in time is also a bit confusing.
Nothing major though. This is something for later editing.
Actually, it is also a good sign, that I am nit-picking, as the level of skill in your writing is already high.
The following sequence is great as you interweave the general exposition, of where we are, what is happening, with the personal relationship between Jacob and Tom. You are setting up a lot of things in a very short amount of time.
“The gravel had worked it’s way into his flesh at points and drawn blood, as it had on his knees. That was for later.“
This bit? Chef’s kiss, this is a great way to show that Jacob hurt himself, made a mess with his own blood and at the same time shows us where his personal focus and priorities lie. Also the way it is written is great.
“Had he gone in to the water?
Jacob’s heart skipped.
It’s possible, he thought, if he stumbled because of me slipping. He could have gone in and I didn’t even notice.
Sure I would have noticed.
Surely he would have noticed.
Perhaps not.”
Another lovely bit. This and the following niggling doubt.
You are taking all these mundane moments of fear and doubt and building a delicious atmosphere of unease and encroaching terror.
Deal? What is “Deal”? Is that a placeholder or something specific. If it’s the latter, you need to let the reader know pretty much form the get go what the Deal is. (ho ho ho…) Else it will break immersion and flow as they wonder, if they misread the word or missed some crucial information.
A minor point and I know I’m one to talk, but you switch from past to resent a bit to frequently. It makes it hard to follow the story as one doesn’t have the time to get fully comfortable in one timeline or the other.
The first draft is always you discovering the story yourself, in all its messy details and side branches. Once that is done you can look at it in its finished state and now knowing what it is about and what will happen you can reorder it in a way that turns it into the strongest narrative.
For the second draft, I’d suggest to, start as you did there is enough bits and pieces to jow that Tom the The Man, you can throw in some little titbits like him being Jacobs best man before and then go all in into the flashback, tell the story of how Jacob met magic Tom and only use small inserts to keep the narrative anchored in the present.
“An image of his friend’s arm, the hand open, palm out. Flailing, grasping. Thin green weeds wrapped between the fingers. Now sinking, submerging, another slight ripple. Gone.
That brief flash was enough for Jacob. It overrode the lingering malevolence that was the memory of Deal. Just briefly, but enough.
He leapt in. “
Motherfucker! O.O
Also, that explain the wet clothes from the beginning which I had wondered about and now remember again. Good! That came as a surprise. And I love that you put all the work into it to sell this really not quite clever action.
Another one for the editing table, establish the kind of weather first. With the fog and the cold etc (and maybe because it’s autumn now that I’m reading this) I was thinking that it was quite cold already in the story.
“The dreams. “
Dude, you can’t just drop something this ominous and then leave us high and dry!
I like the insights into the inner workings of Jacob a lot.
“She visibly flinched and stepped back.”
That is a strange reaction for Chloe to have. Either Jacob is/was a real dick or she had some really bad experiences. It also doesn’t help here, that Jacob did act like an utter ass towards her. However again I tip my hat for you as you worked very hard to show the stress and tension that Jacob was under, making his reaction understandable and also seeing him realising that he was an ass goes a long way. Also, this adds a new layer of drama to the story and more tension.
““Now you don’t have to come home with aching nipples”, she had laughed after handing him the bag and seeing the expression on his face.
“Perhaps I like it when you make them feel better?” He had replied mischievously.
“As much as I love your nipples, rubbing vaseline into them to the soundtrack of your cries of pain isn’t the quickest way to get turned on.””
X-D
OK, now I want to hear Sheeran’s Version of Seasons in the Abyss!
I like what a complicated and conflicted character Jacob is. However there is a bit of a problem emerging, that there isn’t really anything motivating him internally. He is either depressed or close to it and there isn’t really anything in his life that is not slowly griding him down.
But there doesn’t seem to be anything inside of him that motivates him. There is his love for Tom who is a radiant being for Jacob. And as sweet and touching as that is, this focus is slightly unhealthy. Also his relationship to Chloe is mostly defined by confrontation and his own feelings of failure.
The T-Shirt thing is a nice touch though, there is warmth there.
I’m mostly just thinking aloud here. So that you as the author can see how I as the reader see Jacob as a person.
By now, we have reached the “no signal” point, the story has started to drag a bit as it can’t decide if we are mostly reminiscing with Jacob, or if this is a life and death marathon. This part here will need some work to get the pacing right. However I can’t stress enough that for a first draft this is pure gold. There is sooo much information and background here, that you can use during revision to, make the story sing.
“He grit his teeth at the agony in his limbs and ran faster. His arms pumping at his sides.
45 ml7s
His lungs were ablaze, his knees exploding in pain.
7x z7sd
His surroundings didn’t change. The hedge on his left, the black glass on his right, the fog all around him. The silence was cloying.
J8 c78
His watch began to vibrate constantly on his wrist.
Ja078
J2Cy8
JAC08
JACOB
JACOB
JACOB
JACOB
He turned it off.
His vision began to waiver and he began to stumble, catching himself once. Twice.
Falling.
Blackness.
Silence. “
That bit with the watch? Really good.
After the time jump and Jacob rising for the second time the pacing and tenstion are a lot better again.
The plywood bushes are again a great plot twist. X-D Damn, I did not set that one coming.
The acid instead of water is another good dose of “what the fuck is happening here?”, I like how the story shifts between a very mundane drama (the verges dangerously close to “real” “literature”) and supernatural creepy horror.
Ah what a wonderful idiot Jacob is. Look at your foot you toaster!
I enjoy the constant resetting of the situation and how the injuries that Jacob is suffering seem to be cumulative. Especially as we are now in what looks like “it was all a dream” territory the bit with the foot is a great anchor that keeps both the tension up as well as stops the reader from thinking that Jacob was just hallucinating or something.
Ah an the “helpful cyclists” are deliciously sinister because of how you describe them as being surprisingly familiar.
““Do you think he’s okay Jacob?
He just had to get this bloody shoe off. He held on to Tom still and bent down.
A large piece of polythene lay underfoot. White but spotted in black.
Don’t know Chloe””
Nice. Another good one adding to the creepiness of it all.
What follows is fantastically morbid.
What the… is Deal?!
And over the threshold we go.
Nice.
The pacing and structure need fine tuning, but the story itself in content and general structure is really good and very strong. It reminds me a lot of a good Stephen King story where the very mundane and normal collides with the inexplicable and horrifying. I have no idea what is going on but I am really interested in how this story will continue.
Looking forward to the next chapter.
