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Post by pierrepressure on Aug 18, 2022 7:39:40 GMT
I'd also recommend getting as much sleep as you possibly can, it might be a while before you can get uninterrupted sleep again.
Have you spoken to your partner about how you're feeling? I always find it best to open up with my other half when I have concerns or worries but that's because she's the rock in the relationship and I'm an anxiety riddled mess.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2022 8:10:30 GMT
Mrs Shark is at 15-16 weeks now. I think. Hard to remember. I won’t lie, we’ve been fighting a lot recently. We’re going through a house move and that’s added significantly to the stress. I find myself intentionally staying up til the wee hours just to get some alone time, as we’re two people working from home in a hot one bed flat and there’s really no escape. We’ve gotten into a weird stalemate where we both think the other one isn’t pulling their weight around the house or with the moving stuff. I’m desperate for us to do something that isn’t house or family related but everything with her is a real chore. And of course sex is non-existent and won’t be existent until next year because the thought of sex while pregnant makes her feel icky. So right now I really have to find my moment to get some therapy with the filthy nine-year-old iPad and my search history of shame. I’m genuinely worried that the bonding feeling I’m supposed to get with Shark Jr isn’t coming. That little guy is getting ears soon and the first thing it’s going to hear is it’s parents nagging the shit out of each other. And we haven’t even gotten to the move yet and all the expense and work that entails… It all seems so fucked. And if it’s bad now how much worse are things going to get? If it helps, me and the Mrs never said a cross word to each other until she became pregnant. After which it was a different story. Don't forget this is a massive time of change, and for her particularly, it's not all external. Her body and hormones etc will be going haywire, affecting her mood.
Don't specifically feel bad about staying up late just now. I did when the wife had to go to bed. It's not completely selfish to have a bit of time to yourself as it will make you more agreeable in the long term.
The baby bonding thing with the father is weird. I can only talk from my experience, but even after the wee man was born I didn't really feel anything. I remember holding him and tears running down my face, but after that I was emotionally strangely detached. it wasn't until around the 6 month onward mark, when his wee personality began to form did the bond start. By the time he was 1 it was as strong as fuck and only strengthens after that. I would die for him, no hesitation.
it doesn't go how you would expect it to, just let it all happen naturally. Be more patient and understanding with the mrs, but that's not to say that this stage doesn't affect you too. Allow yourselves some slack, maybe talk about how you're both feeling, the arguments that you have. The best thing you can do is keep communicating with each other.
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harrypalmer
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Post by harrypalmer on Aug 18, 2022 8:41:33 GMT
Totally agree. It's hard for the man to fully understand or even accept what is happening, I remember basically being a bit ignorant to the whole thing, except scans, classes etc, until right up to the due date, when I started frantically cramming baby books into my eyes. The birth was incredibly emotional, but I didn't feel truly attached to my son until a few months later, I think it's your brain's way of letting you get on with stuff, as well as the fact that it hasn't been gestating inside you for 9 months - you just don't have the same connection, but it will come.
You just need to accept that your partner is going through some serious shit inside her body - and you're not, so you have to adjust what you think is reasonable etc. Very easy to say in hindsight. But staying up on your own and having a wank seems like a good way of coping tbh.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2022 8:51:16 GMT
I think how I can sum it up best is something my wife says about the birth. When he was born, she thought "ah, there he is" because she felt like she knew him and was merely waiting on his arrival.
I, by comparison, was "what the fuck is this!?"
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Post by barchetta on Aug 18, 2022 9:08:28 GMT
Well, we did OK - and he worked his bollocks off. Boy #1 has his A-level results and is set for Leeds Uni.
We were a bit concerned after last year's grade inflation that there may be some snap back but he came out with 2 A* and an A (Eng Lang, Politics and History respectively) and his BTEC level3 in Music Tech TBA later today.
Much relief!
Hope it good news for any FG'ers with kids in the same position.
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Post by Dougs on Aug 18, 2022 9:41:29 GMT
Woop! Fantastic results!
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Post by rhaegyr on Aug 18, 2022 9:48:12 GMT
Leeds Uni was/is fucking awesome - he'll love it, especially the music scene.
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Post by Bird Of Prey on Aug 18, 2022 9:49:20 GMT
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Post by rawshark on Aug 18, 2022 9:54:59 GMT
Thanks everyone. I'm a chronic insomniac so me not going to bed with the missus is nothing new. I really wish sleep was more forthcoming, now more than ever.
We do need to cut each other some slack and she's the one with the most going on, so thanks for reminding me of that. I think part of me is still just angry she backed my car into a parking pylon the other day and gave us another £250 bill to sort out.
I have tried talking to her about these concerns but it always feels like it falls on deaf ears. If it's not about the baby or the house she doesn't want to hear about it. Sometimes I feel like I'm a bit player in my own life.
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Post by Bird Of Prey on Aug 18, 2022 9:58:25 GMT
Sometimes I feel like I'm a bit player in my own life. Get used to that "Dad"  |
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Post by barchetta on Aug 18, 2022 10:09:34 GMT
Leeds Uni was/is fucking awesome - he'll love it, especially the music scene. We've been up a few times already to gigs at Stylus (student uni venue) - Dubioza Kolectiv, Parquet Courts and really enjoyed it. He is buzzing and also looking for open mic nights etc so he can carry on with his music stuff too.so glad he made it there as he was pinning hopes on Leeds. Helps that his grandad lives just outside of the city too, so he can always dive in for the odd Sunday dinner and some Sky sports! It's only 70 mins drive for us so we can get there for the odd gig too. Must admit to feeling envious of his near future. Stupidly sidestepped my chance of Uni in the late 80s and then got stuck in a job/mortgage scenario... considering an OU course for my own interest/satisfaction at the moment. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2022 10:14:48 GMT
It's just her maternal instincts going into hyperdrive man. The nest and impending offspring are taking priority with her. It's not that she thinks what you need isn't important, it's just her body and brain are screaming at her to prioritise this stuff instead.
Unfortunately this and what lies ahead takes a great deal of patience and understanding, even if you feel wronged. It's kind of our job to just be there and - to a certain extent - take it. it pays off though. Trust me. Things stabailise and a semblance of a new normal will start to appear. It's great / stressfull / uplifting / exhausting / life affirming / terrifying all at once, but see when the little person you made looks up and smiles at you for the first time? Worth it.
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Post by Sarfrin on Aug 18, 2022 10:27:42 GMT
Thanks everyone. I'm a chronic insomniac so me not going to bed with the missus is nothing new. I really wish sleep was more forthcoming, now more than ever. We do need to cut each other some slack and she's the one with the most going on, so thanks for reminding me of that. I think part of me is still just angry she backed my car into a parking pylon the other day and gave us another £250 bill to sort out. I have tried talking to her about these concerns but it always feels like it falls on deaf ears. If it's not about the baby or the house she doesn't want to hear about it. Sometimes I feel like I'm a bit player in my own life. You are at the moment. Just got to accept this is the part where your main purpose is to support your missus while she does something really important for both of you. It can be like treading on eggshells at times, that's hormones, try not to take it personally. I'll second what wunty said about bonding too. They get much more interesting after about 6 months (6 months after they're born, don't expect to bond with something that's still inside someone else's body). Anyway, hang in there. Things will change. |
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addyb
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Post by addyb on Aug 18, 2022 10:32:12 GMT
Don't listen to them shark. It's an absolute fucking nightmare.
;D
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Post by rawshark on Aug 18, 2022 10:49:19 GMT
Thanks guys. Think I probably just needed to hear that.
Think I'm someone who really enjoys being an uncle, but is worried I won't be a great Dad. If this kid doesn't like Pokemon we're screwed.
Who am I kidding. It will come out wearing a Liverpool top, call me a poof for supporting Crystal Palace, and send me down the shops for some snouts.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2022 10:52:32 GMT
The fact that you're worrying about your parent skills means you'll be just fine.
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addyb
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Post by addyb on Aug 18, 2022 10:56:53 GMT
It's all daunting before the event, and even moreso once you get home and all of a sudden you have this massive responsibility. Don't worry about bonding, everyone is different. I bonded instantly with my girls, and weirdly enough that bond dropped off a little once they had their autism diagnosis. We both blamed ourselves and started doubting ourselves as parents. It's a struggle and we bicker constantly but this week we celebrate 22 years together.
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Post by Sarfrin on Aug 18, 2022 11:59:03 GMT
Don't listen to them shark. It's an absolute fucking nightmare. ;D I mean it is at times. But it's also pretty cool to have an actual new unique human that you made yourselves. |
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mrpon
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Post by mrpon on Aug 22, 2022 13:27:55 GMT
Fred pretty much summed up a lot of what I would have recommended too. The waterpark is a must as your girls are old enough (my five year old still too small to go, I am DESPERATE to take her), and you're right by the beach so two birds and all that. If you want to mix water activities (kayaking etc) with playgrounds and other outdoor stuff then I would mention River Dart Country Park again - riverdart.co.uk/family-park-attractions/Woodlands might be a bit too young I'm not sure it's been a long time since I've been, but isn't too far from you. Thanks all, we did all of the above and they were probably our 3 best days, we loved it! My 8yro went on the Screamer about 20 times at the water park!! |
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mikeck
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Post by mikeck on Aug 22, 2022 13:51:30 GMT
Fred pretty much summed up a lot of what I would have recommended too. The waterpark is a must as your girls are old enough (my five year old still too small to go, I am DESPERATE to take her), and you're right by the beach so two birds and all that. If you want to mix water activities (kayaking etc) with playgrounds and other outdoor stuff then I would mention River Dart Country Park again - riverdart.co.uk/family-park-attractions/Woodlands might be a bit too young I'm not sure it's been a long time since I've been, but isn't too far from you. Thanks all, we did all of the above and they were probably our 3 best days, we loved it! My 8yro went on the Screamer about 20 times at the water park!! Ah great stuff!!! 👍 |
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mikeck
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Post by mikeck on Aug 22, 2022 13:52:46 GMT
Legoland for us tomorrow (first time), mix of excitement and anxiety over how it'll be.
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Post by freddiemercurystwin on Aug 22, 2022 14:55:23 GMT
Fred pretty much summed up a lot of what I would have recommended too. The waterpark is a must as your girls are old enough (my five year old still too small to go, I am DESPERATE to take her), and you're right by the beach so two birds and all that. If you want to mix water activities (kayaking etc) with playgrounds and other outdoor stuff then I would mention River Dart Country Park again - riverdart.co.uk/family-park-attractions/Woodlands might be a bit too young I'm not sure it's been a long time since I've been, but isn't too far from you. Thanks all, we did all of the above and they were probably our 3 best days, we loved it! My 8yro went on the Screamer about 20 times at the water park!! Great stuff, my boy loves the Screamer too, did he/you do the Devil's Drop too (the stupidly near vertical one), my boy loves that one too but I hate, absolutely terrifying and no fun whatsoever and find I my head's buffeting along slide and I always end up with a bit of a headache but always have to do it (to accompany him) seeing as he's 9. |
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mrpon
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Post by mrpon on Aug 22, 2022 15:02:59 GMT
We did everything bar that one! I think I'd want skintight shorts for that one! The same daughter bailed on obstacle 3 on the High Ropes at River Dart, think it was a stretch too far for her. Though she enjoyed being roped down though.
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hedben
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Post by hedben on Aug 30, 2022 6:34:09 GMT
I might be in for a telling-off by work today- they announced a couple of weeks ago that everyone needs to be in the office on Tuesdays and Wednesdays unless there are “exceptional circumstances”. But for some reason my kids’ holiday club ended a week earlier than their school starts, so I’ve got them at home this week, while I work from home. Which I thought would be fine until the announcement 2 weeks ago.
I did think about bringing them into the office with me and being like “what else was I supposed to do with no notice?”, but I don’t want to inflict that on the kids, or them on my colleagues.
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Post by Reviewer on Sept 3, 2022 15:11:50 GMT
Our kids love doing crafting stuff.
I say they love it, but every time it ends with the wife doing it all for them and the kids just stare at her. I really don’t get why they keep doing it. She got some beading kit from a friend for her birthday and so far I’ve braided a bracelet and my wife is putting loads of beads on string while the 6 year old stares.
The 3 year old has lost interest and is having a chat with a pile of other beads. I’ve lost interest and going to make their dinner.
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Post by Reviewer on Sept 3, 2022 15:14:19 GMT
And my work wants me to go overseas for two months (no chance of returning at weekends etc). I’ve told them to do one. Just because everyone else is about 60 with grown up kids they forget there are some that have young families.
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Post by technoish on Sept 3, 2022 15:42:01 GMT
And my work wants me to go overseas for two months (no chance of returning at weekends etc). I’ve told them to do one. Just because everyone else is about 60 with grown up kids they forget there are some that have young families. Two months with no return is quite demanding! What is it, the army? My wife used to travel loads for long periods, but would usually come back every weekend (sometimes instead she could fly me out! I got to go Qatar, Cape Town, New York). |
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Post by technoish on Sept 3, 2022 15:43:19 GMT
Also, dear me school is not set up for working parents (we are not fans of after school clubs/care - seems like a very long day for a 4 year old), and fuck is childcare expensive (like I didn't already know it).
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Post by Reviewer on Sept 3, 2022 17:10:48 GMT
And my work wants me to go overseas for two months (no chance of returning at weekends etc). I’ve told them to do one. Just because everyone else is about 60 with grown up kids they forget there are some that have young families. Two months with no return is quite demanding! What is it, the army? My wife used to travel loads for long periods, but would usually come back every weekend (sometimes instead she could fly me out! I got to go Qatar, Cape Town, New York). It’s a thing where the customer almost interrogates us to make sure we know what we’re doing and a discussion with one team can raise questions for another. For some it could be 4 months. Unfortunately I’m the only expert on my stuff in the company with the experience and knowledge of the work. Still not going though and there’s nothing they can do about it, especially as it’s not my main project. |
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Post by technoish on Sept 3, 2022 17:25:13 GMT
Two months with no return is quite demanding! What is it, the army? My wife used to travel loads for long periods, but would usually come back every weekend (sometimes instead she could fly me out! I got to go Qatar, Cape Town, New York). It’s a thing where the customer almost interrogates us to make sure we know what we’re doing and a discussion with one team can raise questions for another. For some it could be 4 months. Unfortunately I’m the only expert on my stuff in the company with the experience and knowledge of the work. Still not going though and there’s nothing they can do about it, especially as it’s not my main project. Funny story, my wife got her team to travel to a client for a big hands-on type session, as otherwise they mostly worked from London. Of course most of the clients turned up virtually from home  I get being onsite to answer questions etc but that still doesn't happen on weekends. |
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