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Post by Deleted on Feb 13, 2022 21:25:18 GMT
A full week without a full on panic attack. Still lots of stressful days and some anxiety, but 7 days without diazapam or a full on attack is a start.
I have been forcing myself on walks and going to the pub etc, hating every second of it, but forcing myself to be reasonably normal. Trying to do the stuff I normally enjoy until I start enjoying it again. I am still stuck at my brothers though, I just don't feel I am up for a 2.5 hour train journey just yet.
That is now 7 weeks with no beer or caffeine, so this is taking me far far longer than I was hoping to regain a semblance of normality, but at least I am progressing. I did have a chat with the doctor who prescribed antidepressants, but when I got them they said 2 weeks of side effects, then maybe they kick in after 4-6 weeks... fuck that. Especially when common side effects are more anxiety. I think that is my main issue, I am happy that medium long term I will be fine, I just need time, but no one is able to help short term. Drugs, CBT etc are all long term, I needed help getting through individual days and no one I ever spoke to gave a shit about that. "Oh here is 10 diazapam. You will never get more, if you have a panic attack just go to a&e or whatever. Who cares" was pretty much every single fucker I spoke to.
So has been a fucking miserable few weeks, especially as work has gone utterly tits up with my project going from a go live in April to suddenly October and 300k over budget. Literally had my pm quit on me admitting he lied and didn't do anything, so I am dumped fixing this even if not my fault. So now I am with the board of directors daily being grilled which is super stressful.
Oh well.
Anyway, sorry for the wall of text, that was my getting ready for Monday catharsis.
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Post by Aunt Alison on Feb 13, 2022 21:46:22 GMT
A full week without a full on panic attack. Still lots of stressful days and some anxiety, but 7 days without diazapam or a full on attack is a start. I have been forcing myself on walks and going to the pub etc, hating every second of it, but forcing myself to be reasonably normal. Trying to do the stuff I normally enjoy until I start enjoying it again. I am still stuck at my brothers though, I just don't feel I am up for a 2.5 hour train journey just yet. That is now 7 weeks with no beer or caffeine, so this is taking me far far longer than I was hoping to regain a semblance of normality, but at least I am progressing. I did have a chat with the doctor who prescribed antidepressants, but when I got them they said 2 weeks of side effects, then maybe they kick in after 4-6 weeks... fuck that. Especially when common side effects are more anxiety. I think that is my main issue, I am happy that medium long term I will be fine, I just need time, but no one is able to help short term. Drugs, CBT etc are all long term, I needed help getting through individual days and no one I ever spoke to gave a shit about that. "Oh here is 10 diazapam. You will never get more, if you have a panic attack just go to a&e or whatever. Who cares" was pretty much every single fucker I spoke to. So has been a fucking miserable few weeks, especially as work has gone utterly tits up with my project going from a go live in April to suddenly October and 300k over budget. Literally had my pm quit on me admitting he lied and didn't do anything, so I am dumped fixing this even if not my fault. So now I am with the board of directors daily being grilled which is super stressful. Oh well. Anyway, sorry for the wall of text, that was my getting ready for Monday catharsis. Only you know what is right for you, but I wouldn't write off the medication. If you look back in a month or so and find yourself still struggling, the meds would have started to kick in. It sounds like you've already been dealing with this for quite some time
Side effect vary wildly, some people experience a lot, some few or none at all. If you start taking them and don't like the side effects, you can stop or consult with your doctor about changing to something else
If some days you just need a sympathetic ear, you could try giving Samaritans a call
edit: If at any point you do decide to stop taking any meds, it's important you consult with your doctor before doing so. You'll want to reduce them over time rather than just stop taking them
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Post by Danno on Feb 13, 2022 21:53:49 GMT
@ryands Getting outta London if you're not enjoying the place will do you a world of good dude. Rooting for you.
Reconsider the meds. They dampen the worst stuff down to something you can manage instead of RARRGGH.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2022 9:56:30 GMT
I never talk about what's going on in my great bg silly head, but could do with just writing this little bit out.
Mood swings. How pronounced, and how regular should they happen before they are no longer considered mood swings and something more? I'm writing this becaase nearly every day now, I seem to be plunging into quite low depths (not panic attacks, yet, but I can feel as though it's going that way as my heart begins to race, and I feel as though I have a scream caught in my throat) and then within an hour or so, I'm right up on the other end, thinking life is brilliant and almost skipping about the place. Everything is excellent and I'm so inspired. An hour or so later, boom. I'm right fucking down there again. It's happening more and more regularly - most days with a good three or four "swings" and I'm starting to feel a little bit, shall we say, unbalanced.
It's already happened this morning. Day started fine, felt pretty level as I got the boy sorted for school, dropped my car in to get it's tyres changed, came into work. 30 minutes later I'm almost running out the door. Calmed myself down and up until about 10 minutes ago I genuinely felt that things were fucking amazing. Now I'm coming down a bit and I just feel a bit flat again, but I'm worried I'm soon going to slide down further again.
I go from being super chatty, to wishing everyone around me would just shut the fuck up at the flick of a switch.
I can't really be doing with this. It's fucking up my days.
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Post by Aunt Alison on Feb 17, 2022 10:04:16 GMT
If it's causing you distress, talk to your GP. That's why anyone goes to see their doctor - you don't have to be dying
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Post by Aunt Alison on Feb 17, 2022 10:06:30 GMT
Also, not that it's my business, obvs, but just what I've noticed from your posts recently is that you seem quite fixated on getting older, which might be a source of anxiety for you
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2022 10:06:49 GMT
I'm not sure if it is, that's the thing. I've been reading up on this stuff quite a bit and apparently it's quite common to normalise this shit because when you're feeling good you don't think anything is wrong, it's only the low points that you really notice it.
I'm not sure how big an issue it is as my perspective is skewed.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2022 10:09:01 GMT
Also, not that it's my business, obvs, but just what I've noticed from your posts recently is that you seem quite fixated on getting older, which might be a source of anxiety for you I'm not going to lie, it's a thing with me right now for sure - which seems completely stupid. If I was reading someone else posting with this, I know exactly what i would say to them, but it doesn't seem to work when I talk to myself.
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Post by Aunt Alison on Feb 17, 2022 10:17:23 GMT
I don't think it's stupid, not at all. I'd say it's perfectly normal. 40 is a big deal for most people
What I would suggest is what was briefly touched on in the getting old thread, don't feel bad about making an effort and spoiling yourself. It doesn't help to tell yourself 'clippers will do' - you're not an old boiler that just needs maintenance. Doing things for yourself tells you you're worth it and you'll internalise that, and vice versa
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2022 10:18:00 GMT
No that's very true. In fact, see my update in said thread!
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Post by Aunt Alison on Feb 17, 2022 10:33:08 GMT
@wuntyate If it's possible, it could be helpful to sit down and have a heart to heart with your wife or a family member or friend to get it all out, especially if it's something you're feeling very emotional about and bottling up
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Post by Danno on Feb 17, 2022 10:49:39 GMT
No that's very true. In fact, see my update in said thread! Chat to your Doc mate, mood swings are an early air raid siren for me. If there's a few days before the appointment try to jot down a bit of a diary of them |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2022 10:57:06 GMT
I'm worried that he'll mention meds, and I don't think I can do meds.
Maybe I'll keep a diary of them this week anyway so I can see just how often it's happening. Good idea man.
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Post by Sarfrin on Feb 17, 2022 11:04:47 GMT
I'm worried that he'll mention meds, and I don't think I can do meds. Maybe I'll keep a diary of them this week anyway so I can see just how often it's happening. Good idea man. Even if he mentions them you don't have to take them. But I wouldn't dismiss them out of hand. I took them for a few months in my 40s and it really helped. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2022 11:19:16 GMT
Maybe they are just mood swings though. I don't want to read too much into them. I feel like I should be able to fucking handle this.
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Post by Danno on Feb 17, 2022 11:19:59 GMT
I'm worried that he'll mention meds, and I don't think I can do meds. Maybe I'll keep a diary of them this week anyway so I can see just how often it's happening. Good idea man. They're not going to slap you straight on Lithium and most doctors I've had made sure I was content go with medication. They'll have some general advice and point you towards some online resources at worst. Or you could ask for a referral for CBT/a.n.other therapy |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2022 12:45:27 GMT
Ach I just don't know. See I feel fine now and then I think "hmm I'm just overreacting". I'm great at rationalising everything. Even though I know I'm going to end up going through this again, probably later on today.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2022 12:54:56 GMT
Ach I just don't know. See I feel fine now and then I think "hmm I'm just overreacting". I'm great at rationalising everything. Even though I know I'm going to end up going through this again, probably later on today. It happens to me mate and has done for years now. I've just learnt to embrace it and just ride it out knowing a good phase is coming up. I'm on anti depressants for it and beta blockers. Most of my anxiety and moods stem from me worrying about my daughters and their well being in general. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2022 12:58:20 GMT
Ach I just don't know. See I feel fine now and then I think "hmm I'm just overreacting". I'm great at rationalising everything. Even though I know I'm going to end up going through this again, probably later on today. I have the same problem. I feel shit, seek help then when feeling better I just can't remember what it was like to be down. Hence also I need to apologise to people in this thread. I do appreciate greatly the replies to my posts, they are incredibly helpful and useful. But then when feeling better I struggle to post again and thank people and discuss. And feel embarrassed about overreacting and keep delaying the "thanks" post. On which point, thanks so much guys, even if I don't say it |
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Post by zephro on Feb 17, 2022 12:59:19 GMT
Depends on the specific meds, but some of them just knock the worse edges off the peaks and troughs. Depends on the specific one though, I must have tried 5-6 different ones over the years before finding a fairly decent steady one.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2022 13:26:54 GMT
addyb Maybe I should just accept it and ride it out. Just seems to be more regular now. Last year it was maybe once / twice a month. it's now multiple times a week, sometimes a day and I'm finding it quite tiring. It's a blessing in a way as when I feel great I'll have a really productive evening and I'll get some writing done, maybe study for a bit, I'll bash out some music and I'll feel great. Next morning I'll almost be on a comedown and I'll feel like fucking garbage. What worries me is if I get evened out, I'll lose these spells of almost hyper productivity. I just can't be doing with the feeling like fucking dirt afterwards. Addy you at least have grounds to be going through this. Your girls must be a constant source of worry for you and I think it's very understandable. I almost feel like an impostor because on paper (barring my shit income and general job malaise) I should be quite content. But I'm not. @ryands You know you never have to say thank you in here, it doesn't work like that man. I hope you're doing a bit better with your anxiety of late. It does seem a bit similar from what you've said but I'm nowhere near your levels, and it sounds very difficult to bear. I hope things are improving.
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Post by Dougs on Feb 17, 2022 13:30:46 GMT
I don't have much experience with this, but I would definitely talk to your doc before making any decisions.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2022 13:36:35 GMT
@wuntyate
Nah don't worry about it. It's all relative, and I didn't want my post to come across as "suck it up and deal with it", it's more, that's what I've had to learn to do and to be honest I have more good than bad days so it's onwards and upwards. I did also have counselling for a few months and that helped somewhat.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2022 13:40:59 GMT
Oh no I know you didn't mean it like that, but it is very much how I'm thinking, to just learn to maybe accept that's just how I'm feeling just now.
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Post by Aunt Alison on Feb 17, 2022 13:46:35 GMT
addyb Maybe I should just accept it and ride it out. Just seems to be more regular now. Last year it was maybe once / twice a month. it's now multiple times a week, sometimes a day and I'm finding it quite tiring. It's a blessing in a way as when I feel great I'll have a really productive evening and I'll get some writing done, maybe study for a bit, I'll bash out some music and I'll feel great. Next morning I'll almost be on a comedown and I'll feel like fucking garbage. What worries me is if I get evened out, I'll lose these spells of almost hyper productivity. I just can't be doing with the feeling like fucking dirt afterwards. Addy you at least have grounds to be going through this. Your girls must be a constant source of worry for you and I think it's very understandable. I almost feel like an impostor because on paper (barring my shit income and general job malaise) I should be quite content. But I'm not. @ryands You know you never have to say thank you in here, it doesn't work like that man. I hope you're doing a bit better with your anxiety of late. It does seem a bit similar from what you've said but I'm nowhere near your levels, and it sounds very difficult to bear. I hope things are improving. I'm sure I've seen you responding to people posting stuff like this in this very thread, so you know how it goes. We're extremely complex things and suffering is not relative. Some people can deal well with certain situations others find really difficult, that doesn't invalidate their feelings
With regards to meds, discussing it with your GP does not mean you have to take them. Even if you do end up with a prescription, you will have to physically take them yourself and again, you don't have to. Don't be put off from exploring your options by making decisions about the outcome before you've even started
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Post by harrypalmer on Feb 17, 2022 13:55:24 GMT
I would go see the doctor. If for no other reason than you'll probably feel better having got it off your chest to a professional. Hopefully they will at least be able to give you some advice or coping strategies, even them saying it's nothing to worry about would help.
I'm 39 and it's a crazy age, not young but not old, and yet it feels like life is slipping away! Dramatic I know, but I think its totally normal for weird brain stuff to occur around this time, and speaking to someone about it should be a normal step.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2022 14:08:48 GMT
Aunt Alison Thats the funny thing. I know exactly what I would say to someone else. I think it's probably something you always need to hear from others. It's like the brain doesn't trust itself because it's too biased. harrypalmer I certainly did have crazy thoughts from 39 onwards. The turning 40 was a big part of that. I've always been quite up and down, and I think I'm experiencing a bit of a renaissance. What fun! I have this burning need now to have something I'm creating validated, until then I feel fucking hollow inside. Which is obviously a different issue. Christ I'm going down the rabbit hole a bit. Maybe I will do the GP thing.
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Post by Dougs on Feb 17, 2022 14:11:04 GMT
Definitely give them a call.
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Post by Danno on Feb 17, 2022 14:21:22 GMT
@wuntyate Do it dude, you're red flagging a lot
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2022 14:48:50 GMT
I will. Thanks chaps. I already feel a bit clearer now I've thrashed it out on here a bit.
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