dogbot
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Post by dogbot on May 24, 2022 8:40:34 GMT
There's a lot of very well formed opinions on very little information in here. Hi, welcome to the internet. 😆 I'm not going to give advice because I'm generally rubbish with people, especially when it comes to relationships and this sort of thing and it's only pure luck that my mrs puts up with me. Plus, sleep deprivation has got me just about tripping. But to coin some clichés, you miss 100% of the chances you don't take, faint heart never won fair maiden and suchlike. I hope it works out well for everyone.
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Post by dominalien on May 24, 2022 9:10:58 GMT
Re the expensive ring, I don’t personally object to spending loads on a girl, even if it’s something useless, but after reading an article a while back on how the whole diamond market is a scam I’d rather not put money towards those guys.
And then I wonder why no one ever wanted to marry me.
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sport✅
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notice me senpai
I want to claim my tits
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Post by sport✅ on May 24, 2022 9:19:49 GMT
I've swooned many women with my rants on De Beers.
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Frog
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Post by Frog on May 24, 2022 9:20:54 GMT
It's not because of that.
It's because of your face.
Noone wants to marry a little green alien.
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Post by Aunt Alison on May 24, 2022 9:24:33 GMT
Racist
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cubby
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doesn't get subtext
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Post by cubby on May 24, 2022 9:49:34 GMT
Try telling some of the guys on the watch thread that £3.5k is a lot to spend.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 24, 2022 9:56:03 GMT
On the price of the ring, I just went with a month's salary. It's fully refundable within 30 days, so there's that.
I share stuff with this forum because I'm a bit socially isolated - most of my friends have moved to London, and most of them have now got their own families, so the opportunity to go for a pint and a chat is somewhat limited. And it's really useful to be able to talk some of it through (although difficult I guess to get across all the context and the nuance). So I take all your comments and thoughts in good faith and in good humour!
It's not that I have doubts about getting hitched, it's more doubts about whether she'll say yes (or, whether she'll say yes now) because I come with a lot of baggage. And there are cultural pressures on her side that mean we're not in a legitimate relationship until we're married - by and large, Muslims don't date, certainly not openly, which is why I couldn't really be seen with her at the wedding the other week.
Now, marriage in this context is not a legal construct - it's purely religious. So I'm not saying that we'll be going to the registrar in the next couple of months. Talking it through with her family, we could get married in her front room and that would be enough. We could do the legal bit whenever we wanted; they're really not arsed about that. And weirdly enough, divorce is pretty straightforward in Islam.
Cultural pressures aside and above all else, it just feels right to me. Ideally, I'd wait until the divorce is finalised and until she's been able to meet the kids etc. but in the absence of a clear right answer, sometimes you've got to take the OODA loop approach, make a decision and act, and see what happens. Either she'll say yes and we'll be a bit clearer about what we're doing, or she'll say no and all of the complexity will basically go away...
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Ulythium
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Post by Ulythium on May 24, 2022 9:59:48 GMT
I've swooned many women with my rants on De Beers.
I legitimately thought of this when I read your post:
... and wondered what a retired Springbok fly-half had to do with wooing the ladies. Probably a good indicator of where my love life is nowadays.
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dmukgr
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Post by dmukgr on May 24, 2022 10:06:24 GMT
Ideally, I'd wait until the divorce is finalised and until she's been able to meet the kids etc. Isn't that possible before you propose? It's a significant part of your life after all.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 24, 2022 10:09:50 GMT
She's not met the kids yet!?
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Post by Jambowayoh on May 24, 2022 10:16:58 GMT
She's not met the kids yet!? Yeah that stood out especially as he's been seeing her for a year, has met her family and is asking her to marry him.
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dmukgr
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Post by dmukgr on May 24, 2022 10:20:24 GMT
She's not met the kids yet!? I would put money on that when she finally does she will be wanting the vasectomy restoring a.s.a.p.
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Ulythium
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Post by Ulythium on May 24, 2022 10:21:18 GMT
I hate to pile on, but that was my main takeaway as well.
Is it not something you could arrange before popping the question?
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Frog
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Post by Frog on May 24, 2022 10:21:56 GMT
It's like our own version of 90 day fiance here, is she going to be sent somewhere if you don't get married in the next 2 weeks or something?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 24, 2022 10:28:43 GMT
She's met them but not spent any real time with them.
In general, she loves kids and is obviously keen to have them, hence the undoing of the snip.
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dmukgr
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Post by dmukgr on May 24, 2022 10:31:44 GMT
My reference to reversing the reversal of the snip was just a joke and it's good that she has met them, at least a little.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 24, 2022 10:32:50 GMT
I'm possibly being a real dick here but: You're undoing your vasectomy, have kids from a previous marriage that you're preparing to presumably integrate into this new marriage at some point in some fashion, converting to Islam, bought an engagement ring, went through awkward hoops to attend a wedding in her family etc etc.
I presume she is making similarly big sacrifices / gestures?
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Post by Nanocrystal on May 24, 2022 10:37:17 GMT
*bites tongue*
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Post by Honk If You're Horny? on May 24, 2022 10:37:38 GMT
I genuinely came to post the exact same thing. Those are huge life changes for both you and your kids. She's not prepared to even acknowledge you at a wedding ffs.
All of these extreme actions seem like "workarounds" to maintain fairly new relationship straight out of your previous one breaking down.
I'm gonna drop off this conversation now,
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Psiloc
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Post by Psiloc on May 24, 2022 10:41:25 GMT
It also seems to me that the reversing of the vasectomy happened a bit prematurely, why the rush to do that if you're clearly not ready to have kids with her yet?
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Psiloc
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Post by Psiloc on May 24, 2022 10:43:47 GMT
To be blunt, and I'm obviously not remotely involved, but I'm getting an impression of a guy who's a bit on the desperate side who's not seeing the forest for the trees.
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Post by Dougs on May 24, 2022 11:56:07 GMT
Without wishing to add to the concerns, my question would be what do your kids think? That would be my number 1 priority.
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cubby
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Post by cubby on May 24, 2022 12:29:24 GMT
Goat, in all seriousness, this is just a couple of weeks after she was willing to ghost you and make you worry for days on end about what the fuck is going on. Don't bury your head in the sand and hope a grand gesture will fix things.
Also fhuta.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 24, 2022 12:35:05 GMT
It also seems to me that the reversing of the vasectomy happened a bit prematurely, why the rush to do that if you're clearly not ready to have kids with her yet? Because reversal is less effective over time. After you've had a vasectomy for more than 5 years, the chances of a successful reversal fall quite dramatically. I was on the cusp of 5 years when I had I reversed.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 24, 2022 12:41:29 GMT
I'm possibly being a real dick here but: You're undoing your vasectomy, have kids from a previous marriage that you're preparing to presumably integrate into this new marriage at some point in some fashion, converting to Islam, bought an engagement ring, went through awkward hoops to attend a wedding in her family etc etc. I presume she is making similarly big sacrifices / gestures? Not being a dick at all! I guess the way I've come to think about it is that there are compromises she is making or will have to make - I doubt it's many women's dream to be with someone coming out of a divorce with two kids - but also there are some things that are important to her or to her family that really aren't important to me. So like the conversion thing - it's just not a big deal to me. At all. And anyone that wants to propose will dip into their pocket for an engagement ring. Starting to think I haven't painted a very good picture of the relationship and maybe I'm under-thinking it? You guys are flagging things that I've thought about and dismissed or just figured were relatively easy to solve once you know where you're going... I think I'm wary of waiting for everything to fall into place, life just doesn't work like that.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 24, 2022 12:46:49 GMT
a guy who's a bit on the desperate side There's definitely some truth to that.
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JYM60
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Post by JYM60 on May 24, 2022 12:55:28 GMT
Being in a relationship with a Muslim is very hard work from the experiences I've heard from friends, and they have mostly ended badly. The Muslim partner seems to always be the one which won't change any inch of their life and the other partner is expected to change A LOT. Granted a lot of these are Muslim men that were extremely controling.
Dunno if this is always the way, and hope everything works out for you!
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Post by Aunt Alison on May 24, 2022 12:57:38 GMT
Goat, in all seriousness, this is just a couple of weeks after she was willing to ghost you and make you worry for days on end about what the fuck is going on. Don't bury your head in the sand and hope a grand gesture will fix things. Also fhuta. Ostriches don't actually bury their heads in the sand
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Post by Jambowayoh on May 24, 2022 13:38:48 GMT
Being in a relationship with a Muslim is very hard work from the experiences I've heard from friends, and they have mostly ended badly. The Muslim partner seems to always be the one which won't change any inch of their life and the other partner is expected to change A LOT. Granted a lot of these are Muslim men that were extremely controling. Dunno if this is always the way, and hope everything works out for you! Wow, you've described my arsehole dad to an absolute tee.
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Post by Aunt Alison on May 24, 2022 13:44:45 GMT
How come your arsehole had a different dad to the rest of you
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