Your Most Unsmooth Moment

One of my favourite threads at the old place. I was absolutely shaking with laughter when reading it the first time.

Surely it must be one of the archived ones?

It was smoothpete's thread wasn't it? He didn't quit and is still around, so it must just have dropped into obscurity, despite being brilliant. Everyone probably starting posting in the poo diaries & random musings threads instead.

Smoothpete definitely started the 'conversations you've overheard' thread I think. Which we also need here too. Sadly, I haven't heard any funny or dodgy enough ones lately.

I used to be a pub manager. One sunny day lots of families were in with children and the children kept hanging near the bar and I spent the whole day telling them to move away and getting annoyed.

Late afternoon I see a head at bar level, lean over and go "for the tenth time no children at the bar! You need to stay near your parents." At which point she turns around and it is a little person with her boyfriend. The boyfriend just looks at me and says "dude that is harsh."

I have never in my life felt like such a cunt. I think I just went "um. Obviously I am sorry, but nothing I say can make me feel or look like less like a cunt or make things better, so I am just going to say sorry and walk away..."

Overheard conversations one;

fontgeek.io/thread/422/snippets-overheard-conversations

you shoooould, alphafox

You fucking better

Long dinner

Back before the in-laws were in-laws there will come a time when you have to meet your future wife's family. For some it's not a big deal, they might live close by or have similar socials so you can just pop down the pub or something. In my case it meant travelling to France from Brussels with a big song and dance to meet this mysterious Australian guy that was with their only daughter. Fair enough, had to happen one day so we flew down to Toulon got picked up at the airport and went to her brothers nice 3 story town house.

So despite being fairly nervous and my French speaking ability being matched by their English speaking ability things were going well and we all went out to a seafood restaurant for dinner where they did all you can eat mussels. Dinner was nice, topped off with a huge choccy fondant and a couple of drinks as they are not the sort to kick on drinking after dinner. We get back to their place an as the missus and I were a bit randy we chose to sleep in a tent in the backyard. Everyone trundled off to bed and the house is silent, we are in our tent and my stomach grumbles a bit. Fuck, I'm going to have to try and sneak quietly up the creaky stairs to the only toilet on the 2nd floor.

Job done. Done explosively mind you but I got in and out with only a small dent to my pride so it's all ok. Lay back down in the tent and, the stomach says no again. This time painfully so. Now this was starting to verge on embarrassing, I'm going to have to try and sneak back in quietly again although this time it was time sensitive, sneaking would have to be barrelling up the stairs. I still hadn't cottoned on to what was actually happening, my main concern was the embarrassment of the loud, violent shit explosions that could be heard in the rooms next door. Fuck, well it couldn't of been avoided. I get back downstairs, open the door to outside and as soon as the air hits me I'm projectile vomiting the contents of my stomach all over their paved courtyard area. You know the type of vomiting that you definitely could hear if your bedroom was directly above the courtyard with the windows open to let a cool summer breeze in. Which they all were.

Once my best Mr Creosote impression was finished it was decided that I better get back in that toilet pretty quickly or this may start to get out of hand. 3rd trip to the bog had everything from both ends but at least I got everything out and was feeling much better. Mortified, but functionable again. And then realised I had used all the toilet paper and there was none to be found at hand. So another trip downstairs to their pantry(terrible TP storage spot if you ask me) and a 4th one back up to replenish stock and finish the job and I'm out. But the state of that courtyard. I hear a noise and look up just in time to see a window close. lol, fuck. So here I am, 1 am with a garden hose trying to push about 5 litres of mussels and chocolate to the edges of the property. I did the best I could, hosed myself down and felt better enough to get my end away so all good.

The next day we tried to test the waters to see who knew what. To their credit nobody said they heard or saw anything, which relieved my pride at least a little bit. Still if I could see the cat eating a pile of chocolate covered mussels in the rose bushes others probably could too.

I get to walk or does the chair get flipped?
If it makes the decision easier I'm not wearing any knickers.

I started working in IT at a law firm many aeons ago, I was hired to work 5pm to 11pm because their tech guys didn't like being called up at home at night constantly to fix minor problems which were mostly "load the backup" or "turn it off and on again" (or worse, are real problems and need them to drive in from the edge of London/outside London to fix). As some nights would probably be slow so my boss gave me some other tasks to do, and also had me do "floorwalking", where I walk around and see if anyone dumb enough to still be there needs help. A week or so into the job, we're running out of network cables, so the network guy asks if I can just round up any I see that aren't in use (this was before the era of WiFi worth a damn) as I go round.

So I do, and I manage to round up a fair number, mostly from the big router areas on each floor (I forget what they're called) where cables have been unplugged but just left around, and from the meeting rooms. On the top floor I find an office with just a single desk in it, no papers, no phone, no monitor, and a network cable, so obviously I immediately take that without even considering.

I leave all the cables in the storage, we've got enough to last a few weeks at least, email the network guy to say "Sorted", and go home feeling proud of myself.

Next day I walk in, still expecting people to be pleased with me, and my boss immediately pulls me into his office, shuts the door and I'm like "Uh oh". Turns out that last cable belonged to an eccentric senior partner, who just likes to work in a totally empty office with only his laptop (which he takes home), and when said partner got in, he immediately sent round an office-wide email about the THEFT that occurred from his office(his "personal" network cable), asking if anyone had seen any "intruders", and then sent another email to the building manager demanding the CCTV from that evening be viewed so we could see who committed this heinous crime, and my boss was like "Did you take a cable from this room?" and I'm like, "Well yes, I was asked to round them up...". At first I thought I was being hazed, but it turned out the senior partner was just nuts, and actually was upset about this, and my boss had to write him an apologetic email (in which he managed to blame me, he wasn't a very good boss), and I then had to go and try and work out which cable in the pile of nigh-identical green network cables, was the senior partner's green network cable. I just gave him the one in the best condition and apparently that worked. But I then had to deal with like two years of "LOL don't take any network cables!" from half of IT (hilarious, guys).

On the flipside I got too feel a lot better when the same senior partner brought his laptop in a few years later in a plastic bag, saying it was "broken" and needed to be "fixed", and rushed out of IT. The laptop guy was about to go home so we opened it up to see if he could have me fix it (usually reinstalling Windows or actually letting it charge up was the solution). As we got it out of the bag though, we saw the case was cracked, which was weird, and then when we opened it, there was a circular hole, almost like a bullethole, right through the screen, which was shattered - and then we could see the screen had some kind of imprint in it as well. Seems that someone in a high-heel shoe with a stiletto heel must have stamped extremely hard on the screen. I'd met this guy's wife (who was much nicer than him) and she really didn't seem like the stiletto heels type. So that was pretty amazing. Sadly because he was a senior partner we didn't get to ask "What the fuck mate?" we just had to quietly build a new laptop for him.

Must have stank something awful!

As soon as I read "all you can eat mussels" I knew which direction this was going in... I feel a bit sick just thinking about it.

This is a guy who gets his tent up quick-sharp.