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Post by Jambowayoh on Jan 23, 2022 18:28:21 GMT
Ahh sorry. I meant FIVE pumps.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2022 18:28:43 GMT
I've always found sex people a bit weird. It's likely because polyamory is an afront to my sensibilities of what relationships and love should be but whenever you see documentaries or anything like that, they always seem like right creepy weirdos Ahhh, a three pumps and a squirt and roll over kinda guy, I see. OK Chad, Sorry. |
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Post by Jambowayoh on Jan 23, 2022 18:29:36 GMT
Hahahaha. Only 2 pumps I'm afraid.
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Post by Sarfrin on Jan 23, 2022 18:34:24 GMT
I've always found sex people a bit weird. It's likely because polyamory is an afront to my sensibilities of what relationships and love should be but whenever you see documentaries or anything like that, they always seem like right creepy weirdos I'd guess the people who go on documentaries about it are a particularly weird subspecies of sex people, although I've never met any so they might all be weird. |
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Post by Aunt Alison on Jan 23, 2022 18:51:03 GMT
I was at a girlfriend's house watching Spinal Tap on DVD in her bedroom. The DVD was on one of the menus playing Big Bottom. Her monther, who was a religious woman, came in to put some washing away. Thinking Big Bottom might be a bit rude, I quickly swtiched menus, at which point Sex Farm started playing. I was too shocked and embarrassed to do anything, so we just sat there in silence with it playing until she finished and left the room
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Post by clemfandango on Jan 23, 2022 18:51:53 GMT
True story, I was in the viper room in la in the early 2000s with my ex girlfriend. We ended up on a table with an older guy (I’d say early 50s, so not old at all to me now) who had three younger woman with him. We all watched the live music and proceeded to get very drunk. He obviously had a few quid and He invited us to his house that was close by. We politely declined as it seemed like it was going to be seedy, we were tempted but common sense took over.
That’s the most rock and roll thing I’ve nearly ever done
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Vortex
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Harvey Weinstein's Tattered Penis
is apparently a mangina.
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Post by Vortex on Jan 23, 2022 18:52:11 GMT
Thanks jono, all is right with the world again after another read-through of charlie st cloud's (smiley face) trauma/bullshit.
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Post by puddleduck on Jan 23, 2022 22:30:48 GMT
So my cricket club isn't like most cricket clubs. We have nets outside the back of a scatty pub and our end of season social is usually meeting up for a curry (spoiler alert: this story doesn't involve feces).
After the curry we head back to the Doctor's house to hand out some awards and take a lot of drugs. He is not a medically trained Dr for anyone wondering.
After tucking into the mushroom tea, putting away a lot of varying drinks, dipping my beak in to some cocaine and adding some 2CBs to the equation a great time was had (yes, I know you're all thinking how super cool I sound).
I eventually crashed on the sofa as planned because my wife is not keen on me being under the influence in her presence. I had assured her nothing bad happens when I use drugs as I'm sensible about it.
After waking up some hours later and my brain still feeling wobbly I rang a mate and arranged to head to his to pass time after helping the Doc clean his house. Now at my mate's place still I felt off. And still. I tried to sleep in his room and butchered his future Spotify suggestions with endless "chill out playlists". But I couldn't sleep and I was getting progressively less chilled.
I now began to sketch out and thought maybe my brain had been permanently damaged and asked to go to A&E. As we sat there, the hours ticking by, I was eventually called in to see the Dr (a real one) who listened to me explain that I thought my brain was turning to mush. Strangely his medical opinion differed to my suggestion and he gave me some diazipan and sent me on my way.
Obviously this calmed me down and I headed back to my mates to crash on his sofa. After a good nights sleep and waking up feeling refreshed I was able to reflect on quite how stupid I felt for wasting the NHS's time. Oh and also remembered that when helping the Doc clean up in the morning we'd finished off the mushrooms which is why I still felt weird hours later.
Whilst I really was fine and at no risk, when I didn't return home I had to tell my wife I was sat in A&E and I ultimately left her with huge lasting Anxiety issues around me taking any drugs in future.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2022 22:51:21 GMT
I'm going to be honest, as soon as I saw the spoiler warning I took away a few points.
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Post by khanivor on Jan 24, 2022 0:30:14 GMT
That’s known as simping nowadays.... Most people learn after the first time it happens and don’t let it happen again. I just hope you didn’t pay for that meal. /sticks finger in ears lalalala /checks messages again |
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Post by freddiemercurystwin on Mar 25, 2022 20:20:16 GMT
It just occurred to me that when I was, I guess about 19, I was outside my mate's house and when I was just leaving his house in my Mini he jokingly put his foot under the front wheel and (for some inexplicable reason) I did a wheel spin on his foot as I drove off. He thought I was a twat, I was, I was embarrassed. There was no lasting damage. I haven't seen him in about 25 years.
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Ulythium
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Lily-livered
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Post by Ulythium on Mar 25, 2022 22:20:01 GMT
The year was 1996. During February half term, my dad decided to take me and my brother on a skiing trip to Scotland - just the three of us, staying in a rickety caravan, for a week.
During the day, we'd... well, ski, for the most part. In the evenings, we'd go out for dinner before retiring to the caravan to sleep.
I'd only thought to take a tiny amount of reading material with me - one of the Jennings books, borrowed from the school library - and I must have read the damn thing three or four times before the trip drew to a close; on the plus side, I had my trusty Walkman (and a sizeable stock of batteries) close to hand at all times.
This being the age before smartphones (or any mobile phone smaller than a breeze block, come to that), whenever we wanted to let my mum know how we were getting on, we'd have to stop by a public phone box.
On the night in question, we headed out for a pub meal, and stopped at a payphone to call home. The phone in question was located inside a small hut of some sort, and it was just about big enough to hold the three of us.
So there I was: crammed inside this little hut, headphones on, music blaring, waiting my turn to talk to my mum. All was well... until I realised that I needed to fart.
It was cold outside - like, a-winter's-evening-in-northern-Scotland cold - and I didn't want to brave the frosty conditions in order to break wind, so I decided I'd try to sneak it out quietly.
No sooner had the noxious gas made its way out of my balloon knot than I found myself being slapped upside the head, and physically forced out through the hut door; I slipped on some ice on the pavement, my headphones fell off, and the last thing I heard before the door slammed shut behind me was, "I can't bloody believe it, missus! That stupid boy has stood in this phone box and FARTED!"
I had plenty of time to consider my misdeeds as I stood in the dark, shivering and waiting for the phone call to end. It was obvious that my idea of "quiet" had been badly affected by the music blasting from my Walkman - my brother later informed me that it sounded like someone tearing a sheet of denim in half - and what I'd planned to be silent but deadly was, in fact, nothing of the sort.
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Post by Sarfrin on Mar 25, 2022 23:37:09 GMT
TBH it seems like you got way more punishment than you deserved. Everyone farts.
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Post by Danno on Mar 25, 2022 23:41:14 GMT
TBH it seems like you got way more punishment than you deserved. Everyone farts. Most have the self awareness to avoid doing it in an elevator, a crawlspace, or a fecking phonebox, particularly if other people are it at the time  Unless you're a mechanic |
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Post by Sarfrin on Mar 25, 2022 23:45:26 GMT
He was a kid on a weird men only holiday with his dad. You'd expect farting to be required, not taboo.
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Post by Danno on Mar 25, 2022 23:50:19 GMT
Times and Places. Our young Uly managed to misjudge both.
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rawshark
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Post by rawshark on Mar 26, 2022 1:01:38 GMT
Nah it’s something decided by the universe. Just don’t fart while your girlfriend has her head in your lap. That’s the only lesson I have to teach anyone.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2022 1:08:41 GMT
At first I thought the smack on the head caused his intended silent fart to be anything but, butt no.
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Blue_Mike
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Meet Hanako At Embers
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Post by Blue_Mike on Mar 26, 2022 3:13:28 GMT
There was an incident once where I was in the throes with a lady-friend, and my knee went off the edge of the bed and I lost my balance, causing me to fall and smash my thigh into a bottle of Grolsch that was on the floor. Climbed back up and continued, but the rest of the activity was punctuated by me repeatedly saying "Owww".
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2022 6:58:31 GMT
I don't know if it's an unsmooth moment to bring this up in the unsmooth moment thread, but until reading Uly's post I had always thought "balloon knot" was your foreskin. His story made little sense (or biological plausability) until Google showed me my error.
Actually, this being a work phone, Googling that might have been another unsmooth moment.
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Frog
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Post by Frog on Mar 26, 2022 6:58:54 GMT
Had a situation once where the lady's cat kept coming over during the act. She was tied up and blindfolded at the time so was quite unaware so I tried to gently shift the cat away. The little bastard decides it was going to attack me and sliced my finger open with its claw. Tried to continue as if nothing happened and her parents chose that moment to arrive back when I had yet to meet them.
That was fun.
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cubby
Full Member
doesn't get subtext
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Post by cubby on Mar 26, 2022 7:24:21 GMT
Did they join in?
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deebs
New Member
So I was killing this pig with a hammer
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Post by deebs on Mar 26, 2022 7:24:25 GMT
I have so many since I posted this all those years ago. Here's one from not 3 weeks ago.
I live in a suburb of Cleveland and it's horizontally bisected by a ground level rail line. There are two trains that bowl through in the early hours, one at 1am, one at 4:30am, and they're fucking massive, nearly a mile long a piece and they stand on the horn and breeze on through the width of the town for up to half an hour each. They're essentially cutting through populated streets and slicing the town in half for longer than they need to. My friend and I were headed back from an island on lake Erie some long enough distance in miles to the west and when the train came, we were started down my street tired and ready for bed.
We talk for a bit, watching the graffiti plastered containers, but I get comfy and fall asleep in the passenger seat.
I wake up with a jolt and the train is gone. I check the time and it's 4:12am - yet we haven't moved, I look over and Tom has his hands at 10 and 2 on the wheel with his head back and ripping a loud snore. We'd been dead to the world for all of at least 3 hours parked in the middle of a side street in a busy town and no cunt did anything.
I don't know if that's smooth or not, but when we got to my place not 150 meters down the street, I noticed a note tucked under the wiper on my side which read "You snore real loud".
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deebs
New Member
So I was killing this pig with a hammer
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Post by deebs on Mar 26, 2022 7:28:35 GMT
Oh, also this is someone else's least smooth moment.  |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 28, 2022 11:46:14 GMT
Playing football in the garden and forgot I put the washing line up. Goes diagonally across the garden and there's a bit about my neck height.
Turned and ran straight into it and it was like getting clotheslined(ha!) by The Undertaker. Took me right off my feet and I don't think my wife and daughter will ever stop laughing. At least the dogs checked I was OK.
Think I've given myself whiplash, can barely move my head.
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Post by rammy18 on May 28, 2022 14:51:42 GMT
Walking my 5 yr old back from school, she’s on a scooter and fannying around so we move to the side to let one of her classmates and (presumably) his mother through. She knows him, so says hello, and I exchange greetings with the mum.
We’re white, mum and son are black.
So they walk ahead, not too far. My little girl says to me ‘daddy, can we have a race?’
I agree, and this pleases her greatly, so much so that she suddenly exclaims (loudly) ‘yay! I’m a racist!!’
If the ground could swallow me up…
I think the mum pretended she didn’t hear (doubtful, it was LOUD), which made it worse because I couldn’t awkwardly experience explain wtf had just happened. I think we’ll just move
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