mcmonkeyplc
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General Martok Qapla!
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Post by mcmonkeyplc on May 7, 2024 14:59:53 GMT
We had our first experience of having our Son "bullied" over the long weekend. Went to a 4 year olds birthday party as he's in the same nursery class as my (just about 3) Son. He was really excited to be there and playing with his nursery friends played with everyone for 10 minutes seemed to be loving it but then one of his "friends" arrived and after 15 mins my wife witnessed her walking up to my Son and slapping him. He'd come up to us and said she hit him a few minutes earlier but we just said it was probably an accident, but the second time my wife actually saw it. We told him not to play with her and play with the others but he was heartbroken and didn't want to play with anyone after that point. He refused to sit with the others when they were eating and only played on his own. He was pretty much upset for the entire day after that. We've told the nursery and they said they'll keep a look out for any abusive behavior It was genuinely heartbreaking. At the age of fucking 3?!
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mrpon
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Post by mrpon on May 7, 2024 15:04:00 GMT
What did her parents say?!
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mcmonkeyplc
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Post by mcmonkeyplc on May 7, 2024 15:43:08 GMT
What did her parents say?! We didn't say anything. In hindsight it was stupid not to have said anything. We were even talking to her mum before we left. Adds to the sadness that we didn't do anything at the time. It was only when we got home my wife told him that if anyone hits him he should hit them back. I knew this would happen I just thought we had more time.
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Post by Dougs on May 7, 2024 16:05:22 GMT
Kids that age don't understand what they are doing. It's the whole cause and effect thing. Theu just act and see what happens. I wouldn't read too much in to it tbh.
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nexus6
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Post by nexus6 on May 7, 2024 16:24:32 GMT
Dougs is right. It's little proto-people testing the limits and seeing what the implications are. Best not to say anything. If anything, try and get them together again for a nice play.
Then BAM! Fork in the eye.
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mcmonkeyplc
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Post by mcmonkeyplc on May 8, 2024 7:06:48 GMT
Thanks guys.
I'll get the eye fork ready 😝
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Post by RumMonkey on May 8, 2024 7:27:48 GMT
Go around and kick her little head in.
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Vortex
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Post by Vortex on May 8, 2024 8:14:53 GMT
Ugh. So Higher English is on Thurs, the lad had allegedly done 3(!) hours of revision yesterday before fucking off to the gym for 2 hrs and claimed to still not have all the quotes learnt yet. He's had 2 weeks since the last exam.
And then has maths on mon. Has he been studying for both during those two weeks, or just pissing about wasting time.
Guess which we feel it is?
/Seethes with rage.
I guess having some pressure helps, but jfc try to make life a wee bit easier for yourself by doing a little work, eh?
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Post by motti82 on May 8, 2024 8:22:59 GMT
We have it easier as there is only one know-all teenager to manage. He bickers with Mrs Alastair over what to watch though*. We just finished Alex Rider and not sure what's next. I thought we were going for Fallout but they are turning their noses up a bit. I may force them through episode 1 and we'll see what happens. *And indeed over pretty much every aspect of his life! To chip in with the teenager bits, it's very much a game of respect and having boundaries, from both sides. Like we've all said, I did spend time in my bedroom, on the SNES/PC playing games, or listening to music etc. Our own rules in this house are that meal times are around the kitchen table, and no food up in his own room. The Dishwasher is his only regular task, and it's an obvious one to police. He gets some money on his goHenry card if he keeps up with it. He will ask to get food rather than swiping it, which is a bonus. I did end up having a bit of a fall out with him over his room that I asked him to clear the decks in on Bank Holiday Monday. During this time, I found some pocket change so I said that if I am tidying his room, I get to keep 100% of all cash found. This got his arse in gear and did an adequate job.
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hedben
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Post by hedben on May 11, 2024 8:02:31 GMT
Quick straw poll, not about parenting children but does relate to parents:
My mum’s visiting this weekend and seeing the whole family on Saturday and Sunday. She wanted to catch up for a drink with just me (not me and my wife) on Friday evening. Is that rude to the wife, perfectly reasonable, or somewhere in between.
Basically it kicked off between me and Mrs hedben yesterday afternoon, when it was far too late to do anything about it. She feels excluded and thinks I should have picked up on it sooner (she’s probably right about that but I wasn’t going to just turn up as a couple when my mum wasn’t expecting that).
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Post by simple on May 11, 2024 8:22:22 GMT
Depending on how much notice your mum gave I’d lean towards it being fine. She’s visiting your family but seems reasonable enough that she might want a catch up with you as her son. Mrs Simple’s mam takes her and her sister out fairly regularly.
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drakesmoke
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The simple things in life are all complicated
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Post by drakesmoke on May 11, 2024 8:48:03 GMT
I think that’s a subjective thing which could change on the dynamics of the people and also if there is a regular feeling of exclusion. As a one-off though, possibly not unreasonable from my perspective.
Here I’ll pop over to my folks solo or with child and no partner, and vice versa plenty and the little socialising we do outside of the family we both take the view that we can participate but that your friends are your friends (most of them being made prior to ‘us’, too).
My Mrs periodically takes her dad to the garden centre on a lunch break - why would I want to get in the way of dad/daughter time?
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Post by paulyboy81 on May 11, 2024 9:35:28 GMT
My wife's mother is like this, will explicitly ask to see just her daughter and NOT me and the kids.
My mum on the other hand would be mortified at the mere thought of such a request and would never in a million years ask to see me and specifically ask me not to bring the brood.
Doesn't bother me in the slightest to be honest. Was a bit odd initially given what my parents are like I'll grant you, but I almost immediately didn't give a shite.
It's fine, the wife needn't take it personally hedben, some people just want some alone time with their kids. Personally the less time I have to spend around my mother-in-law's amateur dramatics the better!
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Post by pierrepressure on May 11, 2024 10:12:03 GMT
It's quite reassuring hearing others having teenager related parenting problems and even though mine is on the extreme end of the scale for teenage rebellion. We have some serious concerns regarding his behaviour and general attitude but I do appreciate coming here and seeing the advice that's given.
Thanks folks.
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drakesmoke
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The simple things in life are all complicated
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Post by drakesmoke on May 11, 2024 10:38:39 GMT
Yeah, it’s always a catharsis to see that your experience is as old as the hills.
As an adult one of the things I really struggle with is not holding the resentment, when you do it shows and the relationship gets worse - and then when you manage to turn the other cheek it’s an inch-mile scenario!
Don’t love the term but adulting is hard isn’t it.
Hope things get better Pierre.
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Post by Dougs on May 11, 2024 10:49:09 GMT
Aye, it's hard. @pierre - any neurodiversity with your boy?
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Post by pierrepressure on May 11, 2024 15:45:21 GMT
No nothing diagnosed although his mum suspects he likely has oppositional defiance disorder, she has seen it with people in her line of work and he's exhibiting a lot of the traits.
The problem is he won't go to see anyone after we have suggested it so really not sure what to do.
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Vortex
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Post by Vortex on May 11, 2024 17:27:06 GMT
Are you sure she's just not misreading stuff?i don't know your situation obvs, so you guys will know better, but doing the opposite of sensible is quite usual isn't it?
Surely oppositional defiance is essentially just being a teen. Our lad can be a right contrary little dickbag when the mood takes him. Most often when hangry or tired. Which is often. Even worse currently as he's stressing about the exams.
I could see him far enough some times, but he'll revert to type in about two weeks after yhe last one. It seems less bad this time, so he's either matured a bit, or we knew what to expect! 😀
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Post by pierrepressure on May 11, 2024 18:06:10 GMT
There's a lot of overlap between it and just being a teenager and probably the main reason we don't push back more when he rejects our offer of speaking to someone.
I think we do need to bite the bullet and and really insist on him seeing someone, it's turned physical over the past month and now walking on eggshells as like you say it's exam time, we don't wa t to do anything that would cause him to fly off the handle.
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Vortex
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Harvey Weinstein's Tattered Penis
is apparently a mangina.
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Post by Vortex on May 11, 2024 19:32:31 GMT
Ooft. As moody as ours gets, it's never hinted at getting physical/squaring up thankfully.
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Post by Dougs on May 12, 2024 0:24:29 GMT
My wife is working with a couple of kids with Pathological Demand Avoidance - similar to ODD but more where they just can't do anything you ask them to. They might even be willing but just can't do it. Definitely worth trying to speak to someone anyway - tis a very common trait with even ADHD.
Edited to get the name right!
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Post by Dougs on May 12, 2024 7:09:03 GMT
As alluded to in the booze thread, the eldest was on a cadet camp this weekend, sleeping outside in a basha/bivvy tent. He was nervous about it and isn't great away from home as his anxiety spikes and he starts to feel sick etc. He did a 2 night stay in barracks earlier in the year but was a struggle. He wanted to do it though.
1st night he eventually got to sleep about 2am after we peeled him off the walls. Last night, I had to go and pick him up after it all proved a bit much for him.
I think he would have been fine but the senior cadets decided some light hazing was in order and dragged them all out of their beds for an hour in a mock military style attack or something. Was in bits after that!
He's OK but being way too hard on himself for not sticking it out.
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Post by Zuluhero on May 12, 2024 8:59:51 GMT
So as a parent of a diagnosed PDA child (ha she's almost 17) it's something you would have noticed when they're a toddler, potentially even a baby. Ours was always a 'difficult child', so much so that we only had one and I had the snip. Nursery pointed it out to us when she was about 3 and we followed it up through the cahms system. Now she's older she's pretty good, still has some moments but none of this crazy teen behaviour.
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Post by Zuluhero on May 12, 2024 9:01:16 GMT
Worst thing I've had to deal with recently is her hiding BG3 on her laptop after us telling her she's not allowed to play it till she's 18 😅
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Post by Zuluhero on May 12, 2024 9:10:44 GMT
Incidentally Pathological Demand Avoidence is an older term and some people are now calling it Pervasive Drive for Autonomy. But I refuse to call it that. Maybe I have slight PDA 😅
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drakesmoke
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The simple things in life are all complicated
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Post by drakesmoke on May 12, 2024 9:19:03 GMT
DougsI was briefly in the air cadets as a young teen (probably somewhere between 12-13). The older cadets seemed terrifying, like full-grown adults. I actually left after one of the NCO types, about 17 and twice my bulk, got up in my face because I’d spent the subs on chocolate, never went back after that. With hindsight I obviously was in the wrong but I think it can be a licence to bully in that setup. Hope he’s OK. The one thing I’ve taken away from the Cadets actually is the ‘stand at ease’ position with the hands behind your back - it’s brilliant for posture and if you have a bad shoulder or something!
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Post by Dougs on May 12, 2024 9:48:06 GMT
Incidentally Pathological Demand Avoidence is an older term and some people are now calling it Pervasive Drive for Autonomy. But I refuse to call it that. Maybe I have slight PDA 😅 Ah, interesting! My wife is working with 2 kids - one a savant 11 year old boy and an 18 year old girl with other health and anxiety issues. Sometimes she can't get them to do absolutely anything. Glad things have eased up for you!
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Post by Dougs on May 12, 2024 9:50:36 GMT
DougsI was briefly in the air cadets as a young teen (probably somewhere between 12-13). The older cadets seemed terrifying, like full-grown adults. I actually left after one of the NCO types, about 17 and twice my bulk, got up in my face because I’d spent the subs on chocolate, never went back after that. With hindsight I obviously was in the wrong but I think it can be a licence to bully in that setup. Hope he’s OK. The one thing I’ve taken away from the Cadets actually is the ‘stand at ease’ position with the hands behind your back - it’s brilliant for posture and if you have a bad shoulder or something! Yeah, cheers. He'll be fine and otherwise loves it - but he won't be in a hurry to do camps outside any time soon. It's a shame but he's not really looking for a career in the forces (despite the nudging from ex-RAF grandad..), just do some fun stuff outside of school. Hope it doesn't put him off properly.
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dam
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Post by dam on May 12, 2024 9:52:45 GMT
Ugh. So Higher English is on Thurs, the lad had allegedly done 3(!) hours of revision yesterday before fucking off to the gym for 2 hrs and claimed to still not have all the quotes learnt yet. He's had 2 weeks since the last exam. And then has maths on mon. Has he been studying for both during those two weeks, or just pissing about wasting time. Guess which we feel it is? /Seethes with rage. I guess having some pressure helps, but jfc try to make life a wee bit easier for yourself by doing a little work, eh? How did he get on? My Nat 5 was less confident than some of the others. He's the same as your boy. And my eldest. He's bright though, so hopefully should be OK, but he's really got to pull his finger out for next year. I am at a bit of a loss as to what to do. If I cut off his internet, he'll say he needs online access to revise stuff. If I removed consoles, he'll just take a strop (he's autistic...). Anyway, nearly done.... just chemistry to go I think. Daughter still has 2 Advanced Highers to go, "just" needs an A for these. She's got weeks in between, but has been hard at it.
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Vortex
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Harvey Weinstein's Tattered Penis
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Post by Vortex on May 12, 2024 10:07:21 GMT
English was 'ok' it's always tough to judge though, so we'll see. I'm not too fussed, so long as he passes since English doesn't seem to be a requirement for university these days.
Higher Maths is tomorrow. Revision rates have ramped up, but only a few days worth, so we'll find out soon. That is an important one, as is chemistry the week after.
I hate the helpless feeling of it all, but I guess it's preparing us for having zero say as they live their own lives.
(still don't like it though!) 😀
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