nexus6
Junior Member
Posts: 2,244
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Post by nexus6 on Oct 17, 2021 18:38:03 GMT
To be sincere for a moment - Anyone got experience with telling a pre-schooler that a relative has passed? Baby Maybe is 2 and half and it looks like my grandmother is close We had to do this when the boy was 3 and his gran died. We were just very open and said she had been very ill and had died. And that she loved him and his sister. He was very upset and cried but that’s a good reaction and important part of the process. If you read books with the kids there is a good one called ‘badgers parting gifts’ which deals with death well.
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RobEG
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Post by RobEG on Oct 17, 2021 19:15:00 GMT
We’ve fortunately not had to deal with that yet, but I think there will come a time soon and I’m dreading it. Hope it all goes ok mate and sorry to hear the bad news
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Post by Reviewer on Oct 17, 2021 20:42:32 GMT
They really won’t understand at that age, just be clear but gentle about it. They’ll probably keep asking about them for some time until one day they don’t.
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Post by simple on Oct 17, 2021 21:44:50 GMT
Honesty the best policy then. He knows that our old cat is no longer with us because she died. Although he was only 18 months old at the time and he’ll still go looking for her around the house so he obviously doesn’t totally get it.
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Post by simple on Oct 18, 2021 7:44:53 GMT
Just got off the phone to my dad. It happened last night.
Not unexpected but sooner than we thought it might be.
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Binky
New Member
Posts: 790
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Post by Binky on Oct 18, 2021 8:27:58 GMT
Sorry for your loss.
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Post by pierrepressure on Oct 18, 2021 11:24:15 GMT
Sorry for your loss Simple.
Been through similar a couple of months ago when Mrs Pressure's grandfather passed.
We took our 3 year old to the funeral and explained as simply as we could but he didn't really understand and still asked after him up until recently.
He's recently started nursery and we asked who his friends are and he said his grandads name, we thought he was just being daft as it's a relatively rare name but turns out that there is someone in his class with the same name, cheered the family right up.
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Post by simple on Oct 18, 2021 16:22:21 GMT
Thanks guys.
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Bongo Heracles
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Technically illegal to ride on public land
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Post by Bongo Heracles on Oct 18, 2021 17:44:53 GMT
My mum died when the girl was two and a half. At that age, I don't think she would have noticed if I had vanished so we told her that my mum had left to be a star in the sky and that's about it. Didn't take her to the funeral because they are wank at the best of times.
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Post by Bill in the rain on Oct 19, 2021 4:46:35 GMT
Yeah, a grandparent passed away when mine were little, and they seemed to take it pretty well. I don't think they fully understand. We also told them that grandfather had gone to a better place, which they seemed to take as being something like a star. They still talked to him or about him for a while, but it was fine.
Of course, in japanese culture it's common to have a small shrine or at least a photo of the deceased in your house. So there's still a picture of him, and they still offer some food and snacks to him from time to time.
They did go to the funeral, which meant washing the body and also picking out the bones with chopsticks after the cremation. I wasn't sure about that, but in the end I think it probably worked well as a way of letting go and accepting.
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Post by minimatt on Oct 19, 2021 5:07:56 GMT
Well that's just sent me down a japanese funeral shaped wiki hole
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nexus6
Junior Member
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Post by nexus6 on Oct 19, 2021 7:19:29 GMT
We’d need to give the wee guy a fork - he’s useless with chopsticks. Might look a bit weird
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Post by Dougs on Oct 19, 2021 7:27:58 GMT
It's really tricky. I never knew my grandads, but my brother was really close to one of them and was about 8 when he died. He wasn't allowed to go to the funeral and it really damaged him, not being able to say goodbye. At younger than 5/6 or so though, I doubt they'd remember much.
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Post by freddiemercurystwin on Oct 19, 2021 8:08:46 GMT
Ours were 9 and 5 I think, when they lost their grandma, we didn't take them to the funeral, they'd already said their goodbyes whilst she was still in hospital. They didn't seem bothered and have had no ill effects.
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Post by simple on Oct 19, 2021 8:18:25 GMT
I think our current plan for the funeral is that he’d be too disruptive and to get him babysat instead of coming. There’s still a discussion as to whether he comes to a wake afterwards. I think it’d be good for the family if the younger ones are there (there’d be one each of ages 1, 2, 3 and 4) since we’re not often together and she loved them all. I don’t think Mrs Maybe will be as keen.
In terms of saying goodbye because of the pandemic and restrictions at her care home its probably been half his life since he last saw her. Its hard to tell if he even remembers her now.
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Bongo Heracles
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Technically illegal to ride on public land
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Post by Bongo Heracles on Oct 19, 2021 8:59:58 GMT
Wakes are maudlin and quite often boozy and lary. I wouldnt take a toddler to one, ymmv depending on your family obvs
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Post by simple on Oct 19, 2021 13:33:43 GMT
Always the risk of a repeat of last night too.
Stuck his hand down the back of his pants and came over to show Mrs Maybe what he’d found.
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nexus6
Junior Member
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Post by nexus6 on Oct 19, 2021 14:25:31 GMT
WHAT HAD HE FOUND? TELL US!
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Post by Bill in the rain on Oct 19, 2021 23:36:09 GMT
Maybe depends if it's going to be a proper Wake style thing, or more of a family chat with catering.
The only one I went to, for my grandmother, wasn't one of those boozy maudlin affairs you see in movies about ireland, it was mostly just a bunch of extended family members standing around in a hotel reception room with finger food and catching up. (It was kinda like a wedding reception tbh). I think that would be fine for younger kids. YMMV depending on your relatives I guess.
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Post by simple on Oct 20, 2021 9:44:40 GMT
It’ll be more of a family catch up than a sour drinkist day knowing the Maybes. I might take the lead from my brother, I think it’ll be tough on my oldest nephew if he comes so having a younger cousin there will be a big help for him
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Post by khanivor on Oct 20, 2021 20:18:14 GMT
My uncle Bob had a living wake. He had a horrible degenerative brain disease and when he’d had enough he convened family and friends at the top of a Chicago hotel and had a party. He was a big deal in folk music back in the 50’s and 60’s. This hootenanny was written up in the Chicago Herald Tribune, probably partly because Roger Ebert was there. As was Shel Silverstein. So quite a memorable event.
That’s the way to do it. One of best parties I’ve ever been to was my mate Calum’s about twenty five years ago. Would have been nice if he’d been able to enjoy a legendary party in his honor. Although I don’t think he intended to OD so hard to plan that one.
Anyway, if I have a terminal illness that’s what I’m gonna do.
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Post by Dougs on Oct 23, 2021 17:51:16 GMT
Had a wicked half-term holiday at Center Parcs (yes, yes, middle class Butlins etc), which ended with a trip to Longleat Safari Park, mostly so my Koala obsessed daughter could see them IRL. It was absolutely perfect. Got home today with the dawning realisation that 3 of us now have stinking colds. That's what you get for leaving your house for the first time in yonks. I'd do it all again mind you.
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Post by Bill in the rain on Oct 24, 2021 1:56:55 GMT
When we went to see the Koalas they were deadly dull. Infact they may actually have been dead and stuffed as they were basically sleeping the whole time. John Cleese would have had a field day.
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Question for parents of multiple brats: When it comes to things like tv/movies/games, how do you deal with the age difference?
What I mean is, mine are 11 and 7, and there are things that are age appropriate for the older one, but not for the younger one. So the older one really wants to watch/play them, but if they do then it's almost impossible to prevent the younger one from doing so too. So I feel bad about not letting the older one see stuff she'd be ok with, or i feel bad about exposing the little one to stuff he probably isn't ready for.
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Post by Dougs on Oct 24, 2021 7:02:45 GMT
Yeah, we have the same issues (11 and 9). It largely depends what it is that the eldest wants to watch - if it's too much, it's held back until the youngest is off playing. There's no doubt that she watches stuff she shouldn't though.
As for the koalas, we had full on pouting and sulking on the first visit as they were sleeping. We went back an hour or so later and they were awake mercifully. Still didn't do much mind you.
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Post by Dougs on Oct 24, 2021 7:03:40 GMT
Oh, and vomit central most of the night thanks to the cold. Sigh.
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Post by Reviewer on Oct 24, 2021 7:32:10 GMT
I’m 5/7 years younger than my brothers and I remember we used to watch stuff that was age appropriate for them, not me. When there was stuff I really didn’t like I wouldn’t watch it, I’d do something else instead.
I remember watching Return of the Jedi when I was about 7 or 8 and hating the Emperor bit.
As long as you don’t force them into it and it’s something that’s not pushing it for the older one one e.g. a 12 year old watching a 15 rated thing then it’s not going to be too much of a problem 90% of the time.
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Post by freddiemercurystwin on Oct 24, 2021 8:04:53 GMT
By the time Brat No. 1 was 4 we'd given up hope of a second one when Brat No. 2 decided to appear, we find lots of arguments, tantrums and shouting works best for us.
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hedben
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Formerly: hedben2013
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Post by hedben on Oct 24, 2021 9:04:09 GMT
I've mentioned before that my two eldest (13 and 10) have a "your age plus two" rule for TV and movies. We sometimes have issues when the eldest wants to watch her stuff on the main TV- but it's not that the younger one gets to see it too, she absolutely would not allow that. It's that she expects everyone else to clear off so she can watch it on her own.
In fact she has a right chip on her shoulder about her younger brother being allowed to do things earlier than she was. He did watch cert 12 films earlier than she did, but that wasn't by design, it's just that she wasn't interested in age 12 films when she was his age. Nevermind that I sort of* let her watch Stranger Things when she was 12, breaking the age+2 rule.
*she watched season 1 on Netflix, which was cert 12, then went straight onto seasons 2 and 3, which were cert 15. Predictable, so my fault for doing nothing really.
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hedben
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Post by hedben on Oct 24, 2021 9:05:54 GMT
Side note- it's normal to be secretly thrilled when your kids enjoy something you like and your wife hates, right?
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Post by Dougs on Oct 24, 2021 9:07:05 GMT
Yep. Sometimes not so secretly
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