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Post by drakeypoos on Oct 14, 2024 20:17:19 GMT
Sorry to change subject but does anybody here have a teen that has come through and out the other side because it is really gripping my shit.
Just hard work for the tiniest shit.
Me and the other half both have to work away from our usual home kitchen tomorrow, and I’ve stayed in tonight while the Mrs has gone to gym when really I could have took the dog to my mum and dad’s ready for tomorrow. However the resident am I bovvered doesn’t like being left in alone after dark and would not have wanted to go. So instead Mrs is now driving to my parents after gym and won’t be getting back until 10.
Because daughter no longer engages with the family at all she’ll have no fucking idea of any of this. So anyway, and here is me possibly being draconian, shower time is 8.30. It’s 8.53. I’m packing all the dog’s stuff and she has still not showered (child, not dog). Gently knock on the door ‘You planning on having a shower at any point tonight?!’
(Sigh) ‘Yerr in about ten minutes-ah, god’.
‘Shower is at half eight, you’re not making the rules, get it done please’.
It’s now 9 and I’m walking out the door with the dog and she hasn’t moved. Cue yell up the stairs
WILL YOU GET IN THE SHOWER NOW
(Massive thump)
AND DON’T START STAMPING AND SLAMMING DOORS!
Must have sounded like I meant business as that then stopped, miraculously. I don’t like being like this (old school yelling) but she ‘forgot’ one night last week after a day at school, then walking to and from the park and coming back smelling hangin’. I’m NOT having her being the smelly kid at school, and she’s always given the adult gentle reminder first, which is always met with sarcasm and then ignored.
Also, has refused the chore of taking card and bottles out ‘because it’s getting cold’ but will then hang around at the park from 3.30 to 6.
The agreed alternative is feeding the dog. I’m reminding her every night despite every night saying ‘set a phone reminder that plays daily’ AND this being for money.
It’s also getting to the point where I can’t be arsed trying to speak with her like an adult because of the sheer resentment you get from daring to stand in the doorway of her room (she only exits the room for friends and school so no choice). I posted recently about being bored of being depressed, I’m starting to find it interesting again tbh. And yes I know this is all a bit pathetic but my old man reckons we’ve got at least 3 years of this and I just don’t know how I can cope with that. Of course, for all the respect and gratitude we get from her we also now have to find £500 to send her to Germany with school.
Annnnd release
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Post by Dougs on Oct 14, 2024 20:24:01 GMT
All sounds very standard teenage-dom to me. You have to let them work through it. From what I gather some get there sooner than others but they all get there and emerge functioning human beings. Eventually.
For context: we have the same problems but in the morning before school. Just won't get up, stares at the telly instead of getting breakfast/teeth/bags ready etc. Every morning is a stress just to get them both out the door on time (with a lift I might add!).
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Post by drakeypoos on Oct 14, 2024 20:36:25 GMT
I’m of course aware it’s ‘normal’ and I’ve even advised people on here of the same, but it’s just one of those times you have a wobble and need somebody to remind you of it. I honestly don’t recognise her at the mo, and am actually dreading the holiday we are saving up for next year.
I don’t want to shout. I just want to ask in a firm but respectful way. And I do. And. It. Just. Doesn’t. Work! And nor does leaving them to their own devices.
Here’s an example - I’ve asked if she can just pop her head in the door and say ‘hello’ when she gets home from school. She gets in tonight from this trip to the park straight to other half ‘Is tea on or what? Awww I was hoping it was gonna be KFC (WTF?!). Then she starts running up the stairs. Stops half way, does an actual audible sigh and stomps down the stairs into the living room ‘helllloooooo’.
At weekend it is supposed to be a ‘good morning’. Got it sarcastically at 2pm Saturday gone (the first time I’ve seen her). Malicious compliance man who knew it was a thing! FML 😂
Thanks Dougs (not the first).
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Post by technoish on Oct 14, 2024 20:39:50 GMT
I'm many years behind in kids age... But why the forced hello/good morning?
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Vortex
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Post by Vortex on Oct 14, 2024 20:40:24 GMT
Yeah sorry drakey, better buckle up. Sounds like a teen, acts like a teen.
Our lad is getting more human sometimes at 17+, but we still have our moments.
It's a long haul. Thankfully, we do know there is a reasonable human developing in there too.
It's tough. 🤣
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Post by drakeypoos on Oct 14, 2024 20:57:04 GMT
I'm many years behind in kids age... But why the forced hello/good morning? Because whilst I respect her desire to be shut in her room all afternoon and night she can at least acknowledge her family’s existence in passing, instead of just when she wants food or money. AIBU? We even let her eat her tea up there, which some of my more old fashioned friends think is a bridge too far, so it’s not like I think I’m being oppressive there. But I don’t have a fragile enough ego to not listen to another perspective. Part of it is wanting to train them to be reasonable humans outside the home. It’s honestly a bit of a bizarre generation to me. You pick up one of her mates with her and they are both in the back with AirPods in not speaking to one another. We had this recently on a trip all the way from Manchester to Stoke and back! I think Covid has broken them myself. Tbh I am considering just quietly dropping this hello thing as it feels a bit shit getting it resentfully. Edit - to clarify, without a ‘hello/goodnight’ you can often not see or interact with her at all, all day. Particularly now she wants to walk back from school, so there’s an opportunity gone when I’d used to try to get some chat from her. |
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Post by drakeypoos on Oct 14, 2024 20:58:20 GMT
Thankfully, we do know there is a reasonable human developing in there too. It's tough. 🤣 How? 😂 |
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Post by Dougs on Oct 14, 2024 21:06:00 GMT
I get it, and am also better at doling out advice than following it myself. One of my big triggers is being either disrespected or ignored. Or both. Which tend to follow with teenagers it seems! Leads to much gnashing, wailing and door slamming at times!
You are not alone - they are going through a lot, school and peer pressure especially. We are just lucky they grace us with their presence at all it seems.
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otto
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Post by otto on Oct 15, 2024 7:05:18 GMT
My first two were a delight in that respect, barely any full-on teen behaviour, what there was was manageable, so I thought: bloody hell, I'm killing this parenting thing, I'm a legend. Then child number three hits, what, nine?? And it's already ten times worse than what you're describing there Drake  She has an autism/ADHD diagnosis so that will go some way to explaining it but ultimately yeah, teen hell, she's now 12 and if anything slightly better than she was at 9. But puberty hasn't hit yet. |
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Post by Dougs on Oct 15, 2024 7:28:23 GMT
Yeah, that doesn't help (as this morning's outburst by the youngest shows...she was in a foul mood!).
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hedben
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Post by hedben on Oct 15, 2024 7:36:45 GMT
My eldest (16) would also eat in her room every evening if she could, but one of our more strict “old fashioned” style rules is we expect to all eat dinner together. There are exceptions but it’s most days, and it’s usually lively and chatty rather than grumpy teens saying nothing. If anything it’s the 8 year old who’s more disruptive, she’s still being a bit of a monster at times when she doesn’t get exactly what she wants.
I do wonder if we’re just starting to see the hidden effects of Covid/ lockdowns. My eldest got referred for disordered eating 18 months ago (she’s doing fine now), middle child (14) has been getting “overwhelmed” in loud or crowded situations, and the youngest (8) goes ballistic when she hears the word no, to the extent that she’s had support from a behavioural specialist at school. I could believe that one out of three having these kind of issues was random chance or something we did wrong, but all 3?
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mrpon
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Post by mrpon on Oct 15, 2024 7:39:22 GMT
We eat around the table, no phones. It's not old fashioned, it's basic fucking manners.
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hedben
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Post by hedben on Oct 15, 2024 7:54:24 GMT
I was clumsily referring to Drake’s post without mentioning it, but yeah you’re right - it shouldn’t be seen as old fashioned, but also “TV dinners” have been a trope since the 70s or 80s, so I bet there are families who think eating at the table as a family is kind of quaint and un-modern, or at least reserved for Sundays or special occasions
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Post by motti82 on Oct 15, 2024 8:04:08 GMT
Same rules here, the food stays in the kitchen. The only time this changes is to have a butty on the couch whilst watching TV etc.
Stroppy teenagers are a right swine, but you just have to keep showing love and compassion, even if there's none coming back your way.
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Binky
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Post by Binky on Oct 15, 2024 8:28:15 GMT
We eat around the table, no phones. It's not old fashioned, it's basic fucking manners. This. If you expect to get fed, you’ll eat at the table. I’m on board with the saying good morning thing too. That is not unreasonable in the slightest. FWIW, I don’t think it’s a covid thing. It’s a mobile phone thing. |
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otto
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Post by otto on Oct 15, 2024 8:34:18 GMT
LOL, getting food inside my 12yo at all is a win, I really don't give a shit where she eats as long as she eats. Generally it's on our bed under our duvet.
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Binky
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Post by Binky on Oct 15, 2024 8:35:55 GMT
They’d get hungry soon enough  |
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Post by Dougs on Oct 15, 2024 8:46:56 GMT
I was clumsily referring to Drake’s post without mentioning it, but yeah you’re right - it shouldn’t be seen as old fashioned, but also “TV dinners” have been a trope since the 70s or 80s, so I bet there are families who think eating at the table as a family is kind of quaint and un-modern, or at least reserved for Sundays or special occasions Ha, Sundays are definitely reserved for eating around the table, with Fri and Sat usually in the living room with a film. Rest of the week we're a bit all over the place with clubs etc so don't always eat at the same time (or even the same thing). |
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otto
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Post by otto on Oct 15, 2024 8:49:00 GMT
I dunno, I had a very strict upbringing, so did my ex, our two older kids were brought up quite strictly, my (now) wife's upbringing was very different and I'm a lot more relaxed as an older dad, I choose my battles. They're good kids. I don't need to get into drama over where we're eating.
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Post by Dougs on Oct 15, 2024 8:50:36 GMT
Same really. Only get annoyed if they're sloppy with it and send food over the sofa or something. For the most part though, they're eating at the breakfast bar earlier than us.
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Post by drakeypoos on Oct 15, 2024 11:50:16 GMT
While we’re getting strong opinions out about this, consider whether people have room to have the traditional sit around a table set up. We don’t.
The other part of it is it’s always a separate meal. We aren’t eating turkey twizzlers and smiley faces and if lucky a couple of carrots, she is. That’s a further complication to eating together and we get her fed first. We’re often getting that done whilst still being at work too.
We are gradually working on getting more choice of food into the diet but she’s thin enough already to try to force things. Have found peer pressure far more effective in that regard too, goes to a mate’s house, is given spag bol, all of a sudden can have that after fighting for a year to introduce it at our end.
The hardest thing and it’s something we spoke about last night after reflecting on it all, is that I miss my little mate. We used to have a regular Saturday thing where the other half went out, and we’d get snacks and sit actually next to one another on the couch and actively watch a film on the regular. Just stuff like that and she’d look at me like I shit in her shoe if I suggested it now. I know this because I’ve tried.
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otto
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Post by otto on Oct 15, 2024 11:58:03 GMT
All sounds very familiar. That's the bit that hits hardest about them growing up. At some point she'll come through the other side and be easier to be around but she'll never be that little buddy again.
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mrpon
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Post by mrpon on Oct 15, 2024 12:05:04 GMT
Just stuff like that and she’d look at me like I shit in her shoe if I suggested it now. I know this because I’ve tried. Username checks out. But yeah, in our instance we don't have a dining room per se, just wherever this "table" is we're not having devices on whilst we're eating. |
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Post by tincanrocket on Oct 15, 2024 14:35:20 GMT
... The hardest thing and it’s something we spoke about last night after reflecting on it all, is that I miss my little mate. We used to have a regular Saturday thing where the other half went out, and we’d get snacks and sit actually next to one another on the couch and actively watch a film on the regular. Just stuff like that and she’d look at me like I shit in her shoe if I suggested it now. I know this because I’ve tried. ^^ I feel for you, drake, as this rings so true for me too. Teens have been very hard at my end. I have just one daughter (14), but she has changed immeasurably. Also has the issue of only eating very specific things, and when I think I have managed to introduce something new it is often rejected the second time around, despite having been enjoyed the first time. My situation has been made more complicated thanks to divorce, and her mum won't back me up on things like eating at the table, keeping her room tidy, or attending school (nearly three years of refusal and counting, with no support from the LEA). I never imagined I'd be a single parent, and being a parent to a teenage girl is not something I feel I'm making a very good job of, but I'm doing my best. Stay strong, and know you are far from alone. |
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Post by simple on Oct 15, 2024 15:29:05 GMT
We’re some way off it now but I’m anticipating some rocky teen years in the Simple household. She beats herself up for it but my wife has inherited a lot of her parents’ ability to say to her exactly the thing that makes things worse in almost any situation.
I tend to stay out of it but her and our five year old are capable of some spectacular rows/tantrums when neither is able to stop little disagreements escalating.
I’m not saying my way is better in the longterm but my folks were always very laid back so now so are my brother and me. Maybe that means I’ll be a total doormat and my son will have no boundaries on my side.
Hopefully it’ll balance out somehow. We’ve got almost a decade to go I suppose.
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otto
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Post by otto on Oct 15, 2024 15:34:38 GMT
We’re some way off it now .... We’ve got almost a decade to go I suppose. She's five now? mate It's imminent |
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otto
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Post by otto on Oct 15, 2024 15:37:19 GMT
I honestly don't think you can predict anything - every parent-child relationship is different, every child is different - I know strict families that work perfectly and strict families that are completely dysfunctional, and relaxed parenting styles that work and relaxed parenting styles that fail miserably, and sometimes all within the same family - there's just no predicting it. It will be what it will be. I take comfort from constantly reminding myself that this is an important albeit often horribly painful process for young people to go through in order to emerge out the other end as independent adults (and for parents to go through in order to sign off on their life's work which is producing independent adults).
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Post by drakeypoos on Oct 15, 2024 16:12:42 GMT
tincanrocketNothing but admiration from me mate. Just keeping up with it all solo is an achievement in my eyes. Don’t know if I could - guess nobody does until they have to. She was supposed to be going to the town centre after school today to sort me out a birthday card (it’s tomorrow) and I’ve checked her tracking and she’s walked straight to her mate’s house and now the nearby play area. So she’s either forgotten, despite having a conversation yesterday with her mum, it’s deliberate because I shouted at her last night and she’s become that spiteful, or she’s expecting mum to bail her out with a lift tonight (it’s gym night, which is the same two nights every week, which kiddo will still not figure). Whatever it is, it looks like the first year I won’t get a birthday card off her probably, or have to wait until about 4.30 pm when she rolls in tomorrow. Joys, not hurtful at all 😂
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otto
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Post by otto on Oct 15, 2024 16:13:52 GMT
Happy birthday for tomorrow
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Post by Dougs on Oct 15, 2024 16:18:48 GMT
Happy birthday for tomorrow! I can guarantee it's not spite - pure forgetfulness as we don't even enter their mind unless we're needed.
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