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Post by Danno on Oct 31, 2021 20:12:16 GMT
I'm sure can come up with one or two.
If you were Italian I would invite you for dinner and serve Heinz spaghetti bolognese in a can.
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Post by Jambowayoh on Oct 31, 2021 20:12:53 GMT
Fuck off you chinless cunt.
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Post by Aunt Alison on Oct 31, 2021 20:14:12 GMT
We need more positive threads, you fridge magnet
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cubby
Full Member
doesn't get subtext
Posts: 6,362
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Post by cubby on Oct 31, 2021 20:14:25 GMT
You sure don't fit the normative ideal of attractiveness in the current culture.
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Post by Sarfrin on Oct 31, 2021 20:28:42 GMT
We need more positive threads, you fridge magnet I think that would just confuse her. |
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ozthegweat
New Member
Releasing indirect freedom
Posts: 873
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Post by ozthegweat on Oct 31, 2021 20:29:30 GMT
"Only when I ate out your mom and tasted horse cum did I realise how she died. Don't make the same mistake."
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askew
Full Member
Posts: 6,798
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Post by askew on Oct 31, 2021 20:40:44 GMT
What's wrong with "Happy birthday Mum, lots of love, Danno xoxox"?
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Post by LegendaryApe on Oct 31, 2021 20:50:49 GMT
Mom, you were born on Halloween
And you raised me til I was a teen
And then I went
A bit off the rails
And spent my nights embraced by males
But now I'm older
And have matured
It's victims that I now have lured
To an alley near your home
And stabbed them with a sharpened bone
I buried the best ones under your patio
Now you also are in the know
But the police know too and are on the way
So Happy birthday mom, I'm a murderous gay
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Post by Aunt Alison on Oct 31, 2021 20:55:35 GMT
M is for those Mondays in the hearth gloom,
U is for her undies in the bathroom,
M is for the moments that she shared with me,
S is for the stories told while sitting on her knee,
E is for the everything a boy could need,
Y is for the yellow of her teeth.
And you put them all together, they spell Mumsey,
Gosh I'm awfully glad she never called me Keith.
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dogbot
Full Member
Posts: 8,738
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Post by dogbot on Oct 31, 2021 21:45:41 GMT
Dear Mum,
Happy birthday.
Lots of love.
Your ever loving son, Danno.
PS. I had to ask this on the internet. Sorry. In fact, sorry for everything. I never meant to kill Uncle Paul, it just sort of happened. And the thing with my cousin was really just a misunderstanding. I never actually intended to fuck her, she came onto me and I didn't want to be rude. Moreover, that shop assistant should not have grabbed me whilst I was shoplifting those two boxes of eggs, but I needed an omelette and he just wouldn't listen.
Oh, also, I blocked your toilet again. Is my ironing done yet? But yeah, happy birthday, mum.
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Post by Danno on Oct 31, 2021 21:47:35 GMT
Dear Mum, Happy birthday. Lots of love. Your ever loving son, Danno. PS. I had to ask this on the internet. Sorry. In fact, sorry for everything. I never meant to kill Uncle Paul, it just sort of happened. And the thing with my cousin was really just a misunderstanding. I never actually intended to fuck her, she came onto me and I didn't want to be rude. Moreover, that shop assistant should not have grabbed me whilst I was shoplifting those two boxes of eggs, but I needed an omelette and he just wouldn't listen. Oh, also, I blocked your toilet again. Is my ironing done yet? But yeah, happy birthday, mum. Jeez Dogbot. Uncle Paul is genuinely my mother's brother |
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dogbot
Full Member
Posts: 8,738
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Post by dogbot on Oct 31, 2021 21:49:17 GMT
Whoops. Sorry.
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Post by Danno on Oct 31, 2021 21:50:30 GMT
I'm not saying the rest of it didn't happen
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Post by LegendaryApe on Oct 31, 2021 21:50:46 GMT
Dear Mum, Happy birthday. Lots of love. Your ever loving son, Danno. PS. I had to ask this on the internet. Sorry. In fact, sorry for everything. I never meant to kill Uncle Paul, it just sort of happened. And the thing with my cousin was really just a misunderstanding. I never actually intended to fuck her, she came onto me and I didn't want to be rude. Moreover, that shop assistant should not have grabbed me whilst I was shoplifting those two boxes of eggs, but I needed an omelette and he just wouldn't listen. Oh, also, I blocked your toilet again. Is my ironing done yet? But yeah, happy birthday, mum. Read this like in Eminem's song Stan. |
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Post by Danno on Oct 31, 2021 21:51:13 GMT
Except the egg thing, I'm not really a fan of eggs. And my Ma would sooner use an iron to murder me than smooth my clothes.
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Post by MysteryLamb on Oct 31, 2021 21:59:28 GMT
Every birthday and Christmas my sister and brother-in-law get a card from a couple called Francesca and Ken. They don't know anyone called Francesca and Ken.
Slowly over the years the little notes that I get someone to copy so they don't spot my handwriting are building up a backstory that gets progressively more bizarre. Ken's been having an affair and Francesca is very open about it, like she wants to turn my sister against him. The name of their kid changes each time too. I have a rough roadmap for where to take the drama in future.. things are going to get really wierd.
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Post by elstoof on Oct 31, 2021 22:20:55 GMT
I’m not your real son
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Post by Danno on Oct 31, 2021 22:21:05 GMT
I wpuld like biannual updates
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minimatt
Junior Member
hyper mediocrity
Posts: 1,684
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Post by minimatt on Oct 31, 2021 22:27:08 GMT
Every birthday and Christmas my sister and brother-in-law get a card from a couple called Francesca and Ken. They don't know anyone called Francesca and Ken. Slowly over the years the little notes that I get someone to copy so they don't spot my handwriting are building up a backstory that gets progressively more bizarre. Ken's been having an affair and Francesca is very open about it, like she wants to turn my sister against him. The name of their kid changes each time too. I have a rough roadmap for where to take the drama in future.. things are going to get really wierd. This is fucking genius, please be true. Kunz, P.R., & Woolcott, M. (1976) did the whole mystery christmas card thing, but this takes it to a whole new level |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2021 22:28:18 GMT
Dear mum. It's about time I got back inside that vagina. Yours sexily, Big Dan.
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Post by MysteryLamb on Oct 31, 2021 22:39:03 GMT
Every birthday and Christmas my sister and brother-in-law get a card from a couple called Francesca and Ken. They don't know anyone called Francesca and Ken. Slowly over the years the little notes that I get someone to copy so they don't spot my handwriting are building up a backstory that gets progressively more bizarre. Ken's been having an affair and Francesca is very open about it, like she wants to turn my sister against him. The name of their kid changes each time too. I have a rough roadmap for where to take the drama in future.. things are going to get really wierd. This is fucking genius, please be true. Kunz, P.R., & Woolcott, M. (1976) did the whole mystery christmas card thing, but this takes it to a whole new level Totally true. Lockdown made it a little tricky, I had to use Moonpig at one point. I've only been doing it for about 4 years but it amuses me. They haven't mentioned it to me at all either so I don't think they suspect I'm the culprit. Plus they have lots of people as clients for their work so it's almost possible they just think they are a genuine couple they don't remember. Two years ago I was over and the Xmas card was prominently on display, like bait, but I ignored it and by Christmas day it had disappeared. |
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Post by MysteryLamb on Oct 31, 2021 22:43:56 GMT
It also helps that I don't send birthday or Christmas cards.
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Post by Dougs on Oct 31, 2021 22:49:26 GMT
I like your work there
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mrpon
Junior Member
Posts: 3,737
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Post by mrpon on Nov 1, 2021 7:22:09 GMT
69 today Mum!
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2021 7:52:49 GMT
/decides not to do a joke
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marcp
New Member
Posts: 276
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Post by marcp on Nov 1, 2021 17:29:16 GMT
When we were younger, my mate had a big falling out with his. Her card that year was one for adopted kids and stated on the front
'to someone that's been just like a Mum to me'
Still amuses me to this day.
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Post by Techno Hippy on Nov 1, 2021 18:27:34 GMT
Happy Birthday Mum - Do you know what the phrase MILF means?
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Post by freddiemercurystwin on Nov 1, 2021 18:31:57 GMT
At Christmas I always used to send my mum a serious card with some standard message or other and also some highly offensive sexist card about Santa and coming down chimney's or whatever, she could never display the offensive ones, as my mum's no longer around I miss that about Christmas.
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