Random Rants (for Rob the Robber but I have beef anyway)

Guys can we cool it on the f word, please. It's making me queasy.

In that case never read any of the Famous Five books. You’ll throw up all over your own hands.

The most offensive way is how they say it, "twot".

So quick update on my recycling woes; the caravan was mysteriously gone the next morning, almost as if some mysterious, fire-obsessed avenger had heard my prayers.

Not all heroes wear capes guys.

Okay it’s a bin liner tied around my neck.

It is pretty annoying to be fair.

If they're doing it in empty car parks or whatever fine, but some cretins do it through areas full of pedestrians or play chicken with traffic.

Because I'm a terrible person I don't really give a fuck if they kill themselves, but I'd feel bad for the drivers who might end up clipping them, or for pedestrians who get hit.

Don't get me started on the fucking wannabe gangsters in balaclavas riding e-bikes with the speed regulators disabled (maybe it's just a Bristol thing but think you get those cunts other places).

Again, I've no sympathy if they ride into a bus and die but do feel for the people caught up in their twattery.

He told you he's a top bloke while slapping creosote around? What a dick.

He pissed creosote on your fence? Vent away mate.

No wonder you're venting with those fumes!

That could explain why I keep getting banned from public restrooms.

You need 2 dicks.

Sudden flashback to that episode of the awful BBC sitcom "Hippies" where Simon Pegg's character caused outrage by telling Sally Phillips' character she was so beautiful he wished he had two pricks.