H-alphaFox
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Post by H-alphaFox on May 15, 2022 11:21:02 GMT
Spoke to him today, he sounds positive enough and still has plenty to complain about so business as usual. Won't really know more until tomorrow so still a case of fingers crossed, seems to have found a lady friend too. lol. But that is good as he tends to burn bridges with those who can support him like the RSL and Men's Shed.
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H-alphaFox
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Post by H-alphaFox on May 16, 2022 10:03:55 GMT
OK, results in and it's good news. I think. Has an enlarged prostrate and is just tablets for a couple of months. Sounds uncomfortable though bu reassuring that he is still getting check ups when needed.
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Post by Sarfrin on May 31, 2022 18:37:32 GMT
Picked up a van to move some of father in law's stuff down from his house to the assisted living flat he's in now. Not sure coming back to the south coast on the first day of a four day bank holiday was the best plan.
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Post by Dougs on May 31, 2022 21:31:10 GMT
Better than doing it on Thurs or Fri I guess!
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Post by Sarfrin on Jun 1, 2022 0:02:16 GMT
I am coming back on Thursday.
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Post by Dougs on Jun 1, 2022 5:52:46 GMT
Opposite direction though presumably? You'll be grand.
Speaking of parents, care package is finally in place for my mum. 1 hour a day to get her up, washed and dressed plus 1 hour a week for shopping. After much wrangling got the cost down to £49 a week, which I think is blinding. She hit the roof and was going to cancel it - didn't take too kindly to my suggestion that it's that or go into a home and pay £1k a week. She's calmed down a bit now but God old people are frustrating.
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Post by Sarfrin on Jun 1, 2022 20:52:58 GMT
Yep. £49 a week is very cheap. I came back tonight after packing the van. Very little traffic, even on the A31.
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Post by Dougs on Jul 14, 2022 19:09:28 GMT
My mum rang me a little while ago and asked if my dad had died. I had to gently tell her he died 11 years ago but was always in our thoughts. 😭💔
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Post by Honk If You're Horny? on Jul 14, 2022 19:20:06 GMT
Sorry Dougs that's tough.
My Mum had to look after two husbands both who died of cancer. Getting up at all hours to help, managing the medication, all the morphine injections. Basically 24/7 care. The first time was tough. The second came pretty close to breaking her mentally. Especially as it was during covid.
Now she's had two moles removed from her face, luckily not cancerous after a nervous wait but it's weighing on my mind a lot lately. Being so far away isn't ideal.
Anyway Looking forward to spending time in NZ but also dreading the future and how I'll be if my Mums memory starts to go. Hoping I can rent out my place and spend a year or two in NZ I the near future.
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dogbot
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Post by dogbot on Jul 14, 2022 19:20:06 GMT
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Post by Dougs on Jul 14, 2022 20:52:48 GMT
Load, I feel for you mate. Obviously not easy given the distance. It must be horrible being so far away after what your mum has gone through.
I am very lucky to live near my mum and moved here after my dad was diagnosed with leukemia. We had a great 4 years or so and I feel very lucky to have had that time. Mum is mostly fine, bar the various mobility issues. She's a bit forgetful but this is the first time that I've noticed a big thing she's forgotten! Not overly concerned at the moment tbh, it just got me in the feels a bit.
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Post by Dougs on Dec 30, 2022 15:06:45 GMT
So this shit doesn't get any easier. My mum had a fall before Christmas (likely just a mechanical fall, ie no reason, likely just fatigue). She was in hospital for nearly 3 weeks gradually getting some mobility back, coming out a week ago with an increased care plan of 4 carers a day. She has struggled all week (and that's with my niece staying with her at the moment). She can barely walk, is basically incontinent and last night couldn't sit herself up in bed or move at all. Her carers called the paramedics, they didn't want to take her in due to the issues in a&e. She's got more antibiotics for a UTI and potential chest infection but is at the point where I think she is giving up.
She may bounce back but it feels pretty terminal at the moment. Christ knows what we'll do next week when my niece goes home and we're all at work full time. Waiting for the crisis response team to arrive where hopefully they'll agree to get her a profile bed, a commode and 2 carers 4 times a day.
This getting old shit sucks. She's 84 but until 2 years ago, you wouldn't have known it.
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Post by freddiemercurystwin on Dec 30, 2022 15:24:50 GMT
That sucks Dougs sorry to here that, has there been any talk of care homes or similar or is she set against that?
I've no idea what happens in these situations, all of our parents are long gone unfortunately and none from 'old age'.
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Post by Dougs on Dec 30, 2022 15:57:12 GMT
It's the next logical step but there aren't any places at the moment, as far as I'm aware (for social services funded care). She's not against it necessarily but I guess we'll see what social services say.
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Post by jeepers on Dec 30, 2022 17:28:23 GMT
DougsI’m sorry to hear it. Getting old sucks and it hurts the parent and the children. I hope she recovers well and that you get the support you and she need. Take care.
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Post by LegendaryApe on Dec 30, 2022 17:56:25 GMT
Very sorry to hear that Dougs
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Post by Dougs on Dec 30, 2022 18:02:22 GMT
Thanks chaps. Crisis response team managed to get her up and about a bit more (well, from her bed to the wheelchair, so 2 steps!). They've ordered a profile bed for her, commode, tray table etc. More antibiotics too. Much more positive than yesterday.
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nexus6
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Post by nexus6 on Dec 30, 2022 18:12:27 GMT
Sorry to hear if this Dougs. Especially at this time of year, if that’s not flippant to say, as it’s already ‘family stressful’
I can relate. My mum is 84 also and has had 2 falls in 6 months. Again, mechanical. But it’s ok as she is adept at breaking her fall with her face.
Now she has no confidence and it’s affecting her personality. Christmas and new year not quite a chore but not far off.
I hope you get a short term solution that can stop you worrying abs that a longer term plan gets things going well for you abs your mum.
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nexus6
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Post by nexus6 on Dec 30, 2022 18:18:38 GMT
Fucking abs!
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Post by Dougs on Dec 30, 2022 18:19:18 GMT
It is so stressful. My brother and I share the pain a bit as we are local but my sister is miles away in Norfolk and feels a bit impotent. It also feels like nothing works as as well as it should (although tbf, the crisis team did seem joined up with the GP and social care). Upshot is that she was discharged too soon but more poorly people needed her bed!
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Post by quadfather on Dec 30, 2022 18:33:59 GMT
DougsSorry to hear that man. I know how stressful and exhausting this is as I've had to do it too. While it feels relentless at the moment, it will get more manageable later. I know it doesn't sound like it will, but it will. Chin up, pal
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drakesmoke
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The simple things in life are all complicated
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Post by drakesmoke on Feb 10, 2023 9:44:19 GMT
Not sure if this is the thread for it and this may be a bit long-form. It feels a bit self indulgent for somebody that has never contributed to this thread so apologies in advance for wading in about me myself and I. But if anybody has any advice with stubborn parent stuff please do advise.
It's my mother-in-law (de facto as we aren't married). She has a massive history of depression after her remaining family (brother and sister) were lost to suicide and medical negligence in quick succession. Her husband found her brother too. She's basically gone from going out including to prem football matches to being a complete agoraphobic and has clearly never got over the deaths.
She became ill in mid-December with lingering cold and flu type symptoms and basically stopped looking after herself. I've seen her a couple of times since and she was always in a dressing gown, stopped dying her hair etc. Around this time she started getting very down about one of the relatives not visiting too and I believe that's yet to be resolved.
She's never got over this 'bug' and is completely averse to any sort of medical intervention. My partner has provided medicines and supplements that she has not taken. Apparently it's now at the point where you are lucky to get a Weetabix or a soup in her and she'll likely throw it up. She's now got hearing problems. Still she is convinced it was that 'bug' people were getting at Xmas (which I firmly believe was just untested Covid). Lost loads and loads of weight and is now bedbound, needing help to the toilet and refusing to see her kids when they visit.
After weeks and weeks of this they've finally convinced FIL to get the docs out who are visiting today. He's in denial that she needs hospital (to me she's that weak from malnutrition that she probably needs IV fluids and antibiotics).
Basically if there isn't a resolution after today I'm stumped. Everybody is always on eggshells around her and it's taken this to get people to go 'oh sh*t'.
Would social services be the route if no joy? Can they potentially deny liberty if somebody is basically wasting themselves away through self-neglect and refusing medical assistance?
She is only in her early-mid sixties.
I do worry that it's going to be something much worse that has gone undiagnosed.
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Post by Dougs on Feb 10, 2023 10:26:09 GMT
Moved post into here.
It's tough, but sometimes people have to acknowledge that they need help. Have you spoken to your father-in-law about it?
Edit: doh, missed the para re docs visiting.
Social services is tricky as it sounds like she has competence. It took so long for my mum to admit she needed help in the home - before, she'd just send SS away, saying she was fine and there was nothing they could do about it.
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Bongo Heracles
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Post by Bongo Heracles on Feb 10, 2023 10:43:19 GMT
A lot of my family are at the making things up stage. 'If I call the doctors, I know what they will say, they will say they cant do anything', 'If I get drugs, they wont do anything', 'if I call social services, they wont do anything they are all busy with foreigners'.
Which they repeat so many times it becomes the truth. We had nearly ten years of this before my wife physically dragged my m-i-l to the doctors and within a few months she had her hip replaced and was right as rain. Its absolutely infuriating.
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mrpon
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Post by mrpon on Feb 10, 2023 10:56:22 GMT
My mum had dementia for that last 5-6 years and was in a home. She died last month and the funeral is on Monday. It was a relief obviously as she is in no more pain, but very sad. Dad though hasn't been great the last few years with his health, in and out of hospital. He's back home and I've been living with him for the past year, more as a very limited carer and also whilst my house is renovated. He absolutely has depression, and rightly so, but won't do anything about it. Eggshells is the right expression as push him too much and he explodes. It's tricky, but me and my sister are waiting till after the funeral to try and sort some semblance of life plan for him. He's 77.
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Post by Dougs on Feb 10, 2023 11:00:06 GMT
Latest on my mum is that she fell again a few days after the posts above. Was again on the floor for 10 hours as she couldn't reach her emergency button. Luckily no damage again other than a bump on the head. Was in hospital for 3 weeks before they discharged her into a care home for respite care. Social worker saw her yesterday - 3 options - she stays where she is and waits for a placement in a care home with physio. She goes home with 4 visits a day but strict instructions not to move without help (she can't anyway really), and has physio in the home. Or she goes into a home permanently (worst case). Very much being pushed towards option 2 as social care has pretty much collapsed here, but they are asking for a bit more time in the home. Which will be fine if she does as she's told, but clearly worried she's just going to fall again. Sorry to hear that pon.
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dam
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Post by dam on Feb 10, 2023 11:35:33 GMT
Sorry to hear the mrpon. And everyone else's situations. It's not easy! I remember my parents getting frustrated with my Mum's parents 25 years ago, refusing help, not spending money on improvements, now I've got my Dad doing exactly the same!
My Mum had been against a lot of changes to help him as he's now in a wheelchair, but now she's gone, we're getting him to agree to changes, but it's hard work.
He admitted defeat on driving (well not the driving, but getting in and out by himself with one leg...), so has sold the car, and is happy to spend that money. It's ridiculous, he must have enough pension left, a portion of my Mum's pension, and if the worse comes to the worse, his kids are not short of a few bob.
Currently waiting on heart valve surgery, so worried about the various bugs going around. Sister's family are down with postive testing Covid for the second time this year!
Seeing all this, my wife's parents have decided they don't want to give us all this "hassle", so have decided to return to the south of England, 500 miles away. Which will just make it 10x as hard to deal with.
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Post by Dougs on Feb 10, 2023 12:01:35 GMT
Oh god, it is so much harder to deal with from further away. My sister is 5 hours away and basically feels out of the loop.
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drakesmoke
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Post by drakesmoke on Feb 10, 2023 12:29:48 GMT
EDIT: Sorry there have been other posts in the meantime. I'm sorry for everybody else's situations in between and before my posts. You'd say it's a comfort other people are in the same boat but it really isn't necessarily. However outlets are good even to a small extent so a valuable thread indeed.
Thanks both. No, I haven't spoken to FIL directly. He doesn't look at his phone and I don't have the relationship with them where I could rock up solo and drop bombs in there. I've offered to my other half but none of them (5 siblings) will have it. It's a very eggshelly family and FIL is complicit in the denial as well really.
I think for MIL the fear of docs is massively compounded by two things - one her sister basically being killed by a hospital's negligence and two FIL being 'got' over a minor thing and then having heart stuff done (which is why he's still here but never mind that - he was taken into the scary hospital for weeks...)
Apparently doctor due after twelve. Other half is there with her sister and she says her mum doesn't even know they're present, which is because I assume she can't hear. Other half hasn't actually seen mum since she took to her bed a couple of weeks ago and is scared to.
In the midsts of this there's all the grandkids including our 12 year old who are currently oblivious to it all so we have that to contend with should anything happen.
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drakesmoke
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The simple things in life are all complicated
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Post by drakesmoke on Feb 10, 2023 14:56:43 GMT
Follow up - MIL currently in ambulance, so the resistance side of things is at least temporarily taken care of, albeit far too late. Other half absolutely shocked by condition and level of confusion. Doctor found a mass on stomach by the sounds of it, which may point to my worst fears being realised that this is undiagnosed Big C. No pain though apparently. Fingers crossed at this time but not looking good.
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