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Post by freddiemercurystwin on Sept 29, 2021 19:20:13 GMT
So after reading some heart wrenching posts in the cancer thread it seems that a thread for this is (or certainly will be) necessary for some of us, especially considering the age demographic of my fellow forumites. Personally I've escaped the practice of caring for parents as both Mrs Mercury and I have both lost ours already, perhaps that's a blessing in disguise.
I lived about 200 miles from my parents and since their divorce (about 25 years ago) I was a lot closer to my mum (emotionally) than my dad, I guess we saw each other about 10 times a year and though on occasion a fractious relationship we certainly largely enjoyed each others company, my father less so.
In about November 2017 she was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I think I only saw her about three times in that period between diagnosis and her passing in February 2018, twice visiting her at home and then once to say goodbye in hospital with all the family in tow but I'm pleased to say she was 'ready' in her own mind and ready to meet her long lost brother and her own mum. My elder brother was at her bedside every day for those last few weeks she was in hospital at the end which is comforting.
About a year later my father was diagnosed with Motor Neurone disease, at that point I was already largely estranged from him and think I only spoke with him over the phone 2 or 3 times before he passed away in June 2020. So there we are that's my two penny's worth and perhaps an inappropriate opening post for this thread but I've felt a little better writing it.
I'll avoid mentioning Mrs Mercury's parents that's not for this forum.
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Post by Dougs on Sept 29, 2021 19:35:02 GMT
I very nearly created a similar thread, as I am reaching that point where it's becoming challenging to look after my old dear. She's now 83, basically housebound as she's waiting for a new knee. She's stopped eating properly so has become quite frail, has lost her strength and is terrified of falling. I keep telling her that it's all linked. She's struggling with toileting too. She refuses the help she's entitled to but then expects me to drop everything to run and help her. Oh, and losing her marbles a bit too, very forgetful. My sister is coming to visit this weekend for the first time in nearly 2 years. She's in for a shock.
Basically, getting old sucks. For parents and the kids.
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H-alphaFox
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Post by H-alphaFox on Sept 30, 2021 9:22:24 GMT
This is something increasingly on my mind too. Of course being an only child and half a world away from them for the last decade does not help, especially as in that time there have been numerous falls and a cancer scare. At least pre covid we could visit but now that has been shut down for 2+ years and the level of guilt play is getting ridiculous. Even just last week I knew something was up when my Mum kept postponing the weekly Skype call, normally I figure it's because she is out drinking or something(also no1 cause of the falls ) but she just sent a text saying she has been deaf for the last 2 weeks. I mean wtf, eventually she elaborates and needed to get skin cut out as it was covering her ear drum but sheesh, what if she had gone deaf? What do I do then? So at this point we are just hoping we can get a visit soonish and the when the wife's contract is up we can move back to Australia and be closer to them. Although to be perfectly honest I don't want to move back to the same town I'm from and where all the family are and I know that will devastate my Mum at least. Still, I would offer to mover her to where we are, maybe even get a place with a separate granny flat type of thing. Not sure she'd go for that but more chance with her than my old man who is a stubborn one. I mean anything can happen overnight, fuck I just hope we can all hold out a little bit longer. And then if we do make the move all the above will then apply to my wife with her aging parents in France, at least her brother is there though.
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Post by Dougs on Nov 10, 2021 13:17:46 GMT
So my mum was due to have her knee replacement today in Southampton (so a pain to get to from the Isle of Wight, comparatively anyway). I took her over there on Monday for blood and Covid tests. My brother took her over for the surgery today. He wasn't allowed to stay, so headed back. Then gets a call to say that it's been cancelled as she was supposed to stop taking one of her pills 10 days before the date. She doesn't remember that, nor does my brother and it's not in any documents that I've seen. What a mess. She's now stuck there and they'll have to get her back by ambulance.
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Tuffty
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Post by Tuffty on Mar 15, 2022 9:10:12 GMT
After a very quick downturn, my dad passed away yesterday afternoon. Needless to say we are all in shock, but none more so than mum. She's been with the man for over 60 years and a lot of it was spent in the house with him. They both liked it that way and mum was especially dependent upon him. Dad took care of everything, finances, odd jobs around the house, driving, dealing with any visitors to the house. It's left mum in such a way that she can't really deal with it and she is insistent she couldn't be able to live on her own in the house. That's slightly difficult as my job has a strict policy about not letting people wfh. I have 2 older sisters and a brother but they have families to deal with too, none of us can just drop everything to be with her 24/7. I know it's so early, but this has always been mums fear. The fact its come about so quickly is just terrible, can't think about that problem now but it will become a reality in the not too distant future.
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Post by Dougs on Mar 15, 2022 9:13:11 GMT
Sorry for your loss Tuffty. I am sure your mum will find the resilience she needs - all you can do is support her and be there for her. What about sheltered accommodation as an alternative to moving in with one of you (even if practical etc.)?
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nexus6
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Post by nexus6 on Mar 15, 2022 9:29:25 GMT
Sorry to hear that Tuffty. My own experience of this, 20 years ago this year, is to keep an eye on the old dear. Of course you will, but I mean after the initial shock has worn off. It is common that 'grief' can impact severely on people after maybe 9 months, a year after the bereavement.
This happened to my mum after my dad died. She ended up in hospital and I thought here we go again. All sorts of heart irregularities and side effects of that. It was put down to grief which surprised me at the time.
Just yesterday Jeremy Thingmy on Radio 2 was talking about this at lunchtime. It was very informative.
Keep going, you'll do good.
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Post by Dougs on Mar 15, 2022 9:40:20 GMT
Yeah, my dad has been gone 11 this year. Pretty sure it took my mum about 3/4 years before she righted herself a bit. Thankfully my niece was living with her for much of that, giving her the focus she needed.
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Tuffty
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Post by Tuffty on Mar 15, 2022 9:53:39 GMT
Sorry for your loss Tuffty. I am sure your mum will find the resilience she needs - all you can do is support her and be there for her. What about sheltered accommodation as an alternative to moving in with one of you (even if practical etc.)? Thank you. No chance on the sheltered accommodation I'm afraid. Even before this happened mum is awfully anxious about even the slightest thing. She has issues going to the bathroom, socialising, all of which have led to panic attacks. I think moving in to a new place would only make it worse. Its awful tho, she can't stop crying. Can't get her to take anything to relax her like diazepam as she's insistent on not taking any further tablets. I'm living with her as both she and dad needed someone around so I'll always be around at night. But during the day it's not possible. We will all have to have a talk about who will be there during the day, I will have to try and see about being able to WFH which would help. Mum was so dependent on dad but really, we all were. Shopper, painter, taxi driver, teacher, he did it all. It's taking all I have here to remind myself that it will be OK.
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Bongo Heracles
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Post by Bongo Heracles on Mar 15, 2022 10:02:00 GMT
Somehow, Im the only one left in the country after everyone else emigrated and even then im over 100m away from my nearest relative so I did have to make it pretty clear that Im nobodys carer.
And its not really even being a carer, its stopping them being idiots. My gran refused to have carers (thieves and foreigners) despite needing them so I had to tell her that, obviously, I cant force her to do anything but its either that or a home.
I dunno. I have kind of taken the decision that if they want to be bloody minded to the point of self harm, have at it. They are grown ups.
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Bongo Heracles
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Post by Bongo Heracles on Mar 15, 2022 10:05:30 GMT
Mum was so dependent on dad but really, we all were. Shopper, painter, taxi driver, teacher, he did it all. It's taking all I have here to remind myself that it will be OK. It will be fine. My parents were almost toxically co-dependent in a similar way and when my mum died it didnt take that long for my dad to start doing some of the stuff my mum always did for him out of necessity. Ultimately, sad as it is, he's like a new man now and was actually a blessing in (a heavy) disguise.
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Post by Dougs on Mar 15, 2022 10:12:41 GMT
It's also still very recent and raw. You are both going to need to grieve properly. In time, you not being around during the day will help your mum do some of that stuff and it will be good for her to do that too. But probably for the next week or so, she will need even more support than normal.
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dam
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Post by dam on Mar 15, 2022 11:02:19 GMT
After a few months of great pain, and an infection in his toe that would not shift, my Dad had his leg amputated above the knee a few weeks ago. I have trouble getting my head around it, god knows how he is managing with it. However, I think he's happy to have the pain removed, and to be alive.
Lots of changes required overnight. Which my mum is not good with....also turns out she hasn't put petrol in a car for 20 years. Lots of wee things he did for them he can't now, without help. My sisters are closer, one literally over the fence, so I'm feeling a bit guilty at not being actively involved on a daily basis.
Sorry to hear of your loss Tufty. Puts my woes in perspective.
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Tuffty
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Post by Tuffty on Mar 15, 2022 11:57:52 GMT
I'm sorry to hear that too. Funny my dad 6 years ago also had an infection in his foot which led to him getting sepsis. 4 weeks in the ICU just to get him better and as they were about to take him out of the ward, he gets a rupture in his large intestine. Had to lead to an emergency operation and a stoma bag the rest of his life. Never once complained about it and the 6 years we had left were good ones, with my sister getting married and a new nephew added to the love he gave all of us. Sounds like your dad is the same, just be there for him as best you can, he will appreciate it.
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Post by Sarfrin on Mar 16, 2022 12:34:57 GMT
It's too soon for you to be making any decisions, but do think about temporary respite care when you're ready. It might be easier for someone anxious like your mum to accept as it's not a permanent commitment and it gives everyone some breathing space to think.
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Post by Dougs on Apr 7, 2022 19:42:59 GMT
So day 2 of shipping my mum back from the hospital (see random rants for previous, tldr is that she has Covid and is weak as fuck). After being discharged from A&E yesterday, the physio turned up today and wasn't happy with her stats so called an ambulance. Turns out she was in atrial fibrillation and was feeling faint, dizzy etc. So back in she goes and then sent home another 7 hours later. And we'll likely do the whole dance again tomorrow. The whole system is broken.
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nexus6
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Post by nexus6 on Apr 7, 2022 19:54:32 GMT
Oh dear. That’s shit. Nothing more to add. You working through all this or what?
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Reviewer
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Post by Reviewer on Apr 7, 2022 21:14:11 GMT
When I was young I used to worry about looking after my parents when they got old, as the youngest of 3 I always felt it was on me to be there for them. Then my mum died when I was 16 and my dad when I was 30.
After that I wished I still had them to worry about.
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Post by Dougs on Apr 7, 2022 21:48:34 GMT
Oh dear. That’s shit. Nothing more to add. You working through all this or what? On and off. Luckily have a very understanding boss that I can do whatever, and a good group I work with where it's not a problem. I've dipped in and out and not done any meetings though. My wife went and got her tonight, I was full to the brim with stress. For some reason they rang my brother (quite sick with Covid himi) to get him to get her. He gave it full barrels. I don't blame the staff, it's the consequence of years of underfunding throughout, in the NHS and social care. It's all fucked. On the plus side, my mum was much happier tonight apparently and quite perky. Another run through things tomorrow with the crisis response team. I am told they will give me 30 mins notice to be there for the conversation!
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Post by Dougs on Apr 7, 2022 21:49:53 GMT
When I was young I used to worry about looking after my parents when they got old, as the youngest of 3 I always felt it was on me to be there for them. Then my mum died when I was 16 and my dad when I was 30. After that I wished I still had them to worry about. Sorry to hear that. It is a stress but absolutely worth it - I feel deprived of many years when my dad died when I was 36/37 so I can fully imagine how you feel.
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nexus6
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Post by nexus6 on Apr 7, 2022 22:11:09 GMT
When I was young I used to worry about looking after my parents when they got old, as the youngest of 3 I always felt it was on me to be there for them. Then my mum died when I was 16 and my dad when I was 30. After that I wished I still had them to worry about. Sorry to hear that. It is a stress but absolutely worth it - I feel deprived of many years when my dad died when I was 36/37 so I can fully imagine how you feel. Who knew this thread was going to get maudlin? I feel the same my dad died when I was 22. I hadn’t really got going in life. I’m an architect and wanted to show him a building I had built but never got that far by then. Just to see him walk round it once and say ‘well done’ But to bring it back on topic - my mum is ages with your mum Dougs abs it is that stage where they are becoming frail. No escaping it. You’re doing right though. Just got to keep going. Glad your work is flexible
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Post by freddiemercurystwin on Apr 8, 2022 0:34:38 GMT
Aye hang in there Dougs, keep doing what you're doing, it's a bumpy ride for sure.
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H-alphaFox
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Post by H-alphaFox on May 9, 2022 10:26:57 GMT
Welp, just got a text from my Dad who has just been diagnosed with prostate cancer. He's already beat it once but fuck me this makes living half a world away hard.
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Post by Dougs on May 9, 2022 10:55:13 GMT
Ah shit, sorry to hear that. Being so far away can't be easy. You feel helpless.
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Post by Dougs on May 9, 2022 10:56:43 GMT
Aye hang in there Dougs, keep doing what you're doing, it's a bumpy ride for sure. Progress has been made....care package for an hour a day now in place, which is great. Have just sent off the ridiculous means assessment forms, will see how much she has to pay of that. Generally she's much better but is still quite weak and frail. She keeps burning things on the stove too, which is a worry.
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2022 11:01:34 GMT
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H-alphaFox
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Post by H-alphaFox on May 9, 2022 11:09:29 GMT
Cheers Dougs and Wunty, went through it before but it was easier as the updates were always positive. No point jumping to conclusions just yet, results will be next week so I guess we take it from there.
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EMarkM
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Post by EMarkM on May 9, 2022 11:11:59 GMT
All the best with it, Fox. Difficult to add anything constructive. Any chance you can visit him soon?
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H-alphaFox
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Post by H-alphaFox on May 9, 2022 11:32:50 GMT
Thanks, I mean not really but I suppose that can be re-evaluated if totally necessary. Just tough with the kids, dog and wife, I'm sure we could organize something. Fingers crossed for decent results is about all I can offer at the moment.
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Post by Sarfrin on May 9, 2022 15:33:18 GMT
Hope you get positive news.
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