Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2022 22:47:11 GMT
I'm in that kind of mood.
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Post by Danno on Feb 7, 2022 22:52:24 GMT
I'm in that kind of mood. Bit snowy up there eh? |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2022 22:53:07 GMT
Don't you know it. Can't feel my balls.
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Post by Danno on Feb 7, 2022 23:00:51 GMT
Don't you know it. Can't feel my balls. Probably for the best. You might get some work done |
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Post by Danno on Feb 7, 2022 23:08:44 GMT
Squeeze that demon out, my son
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ozthegweat
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Releasing indirect freedom
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Post by ozthegweat on Feb 13, 2022 7:06:51 GMT
Spent last evening around a big fire, drinking unfiltered beer and eating pork sausages with bread. And way too much McCrystal's.
My nose is clogged and the rectal venting just now not only woke the missus but also does not bode well.
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Blue_Mike
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Meet Hanako At Embers
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Post by Blue_Mike on Feb 13, 2022 15:19:38 GMT
After the size and density of this mornings movement, I think my sphincter might need to rebuilt like they did to Neo in the first Matrix with the powered acupuncture needles before it's in working condition again.
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Post by Sarfrin on Feb 13, 2022 16:35:32 GMT
By all accounts he's still going. Can we at least evacuate his loved ones Evacuate. |
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Blue_Mike
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Post by Blue_Mike on Feb 26, 2022 22:47:45 GMT
Less than an hour after eating a third of a packet, it was arse spraying mayhem.
---
Other foods and alcohols may have been contributory factors, but for the sake of this post, DEVIL JELLIES.
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Post by dfunked on Feb 27, 2022 0:14:00 GMT
*suggested serving 0.01% of a packet
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ozthegweat
New Member
Releasing indirect freedom
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Post by ozthegweat on Mar 1, 2022 23:09:20 GMT
Today I managed a double ghost teflon shit. Two sewer sausages basically fell out of me, disappeared in the bowl and the toilet paper remained pristinely white,
I'm so happy I could cry.
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cubby
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doesn't get subtext
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Post by cubby on Mar 1, 2022 23:11:23 GMT
Don't wipe those tears with that TP.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2022 5:48:50 GMT
A small ray of sunshine in a dark and troubled world.
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askew
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Post by askew on Mar 2, 2022 12:06:40 GMT
Currently three days constipated  Not sure what's upset me. |
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Post by freddiemercurystwin on Mar 2, 2022 12:24:44 GMT
edit
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Post by art_of_pingu on Mar 5, 2022 13:37:05 GMT
Bump
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askew
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Post by askew on Mar 5, 2022 13:48:16 GMT
I have passed
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cubby
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doesn't get subtext
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Post by cubby on Mar 5, 2022 13:50:16 GMT
Is Shayne Warne there with you?
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patrick
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Ugly bag of mostly water
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Post by patrick on Mar 7, 2022 9:02:26 GMT
3 poos already this morning. I've got some wicked trapped wind going on.
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Blue_Mike
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Post by Blue_Mike on Mar 14, 2022 22:53:49 GMT
Today has been A Day.
Woke up just after 6 in the morning, which was unfortunate because I'd set my alarm for 10. I often wake up with headaches due to my sinus issues, but this morning it was like the pain had crystallised and stabbed upward into my brain. Took some painkillers and tried to go back to sleep, but to no avail. Come 9 o'clock, the headache had worsened significantly, and my eyes were getting painful.
I knew where this was going from past experience, so I reluctantly made the decision to call in sick to work.¹ A brightly lit shop floor would be murder enough on my eyes when I'm in that "almost a migraine but not quite there yet" state, and when there's a lighting section with a few hundred bulbs it would have been like walking into a torture room knowing I was going to get stabbed in the optic nerves, not to mention the fact that dealing with customers when I've got a near-blinding headache makes me paranoid that my head will go full Scanners.
So I made the call, wincing at my phone screen even at its' lowest brightness setting, then took some more painkillers despite not having left four hours since the last lot, and pulled the covers over my head and tried to sleep it off. Ordinarily, that would be where this story would end and not even be worthy of a mention in the General Health Issues Thread.
Somewhere between 11.30 and 12, still not having managed to get back to sleep, I was suddenly struck by The Curse Of The Rumbling Arsehole. Legged it out of bed to my uncomfortably bright bathroom, where I don't mind telling you, reaching the bowl in time was a photo finish. So there I am, one hand shielding my eyes from the light, the other hand gripping the edge of the sink to steady myself, with my arse going like a firemans' hose with nobody holding onto it.
When the horror finally abated I cleaned myself up, and dragged my now much emptier but far worse feeling self back to bed. For all of twenty minutes, before the bell rang for round two of The Boiling Foulness Sauce.
By the fourth time I figured if I did any more wiping, the friction would cause my sphincter to become combustible, like striking a flint, so I resolved to simply climb into the bath and use the shower head as a makeshift bidet.²
Somewhere in the middle of Dambusters Event Number 6, still shielding my eyes from the horror that is daylight, I couldn't help but think to myself "This is how they will find your corpse. They're going to have to chisel your arse off the seat to get you out of here."
Now getting close to 4pm, and at this point I've been suffering for nearly ten hours. The headache and the eye pain have only slightly receded, I'm shaky on my feet and feeling weak as a newborn kitten, I'm covered in a cold sweat, and I've got an arsehole that feels like it's had a flare gun fired directly into it. But I'm finally, finally, mercifully empty. I couldn't possibly have anything left in me. I finally trust that I have enough time to venture downstairs to the medicine box in the kitchen without having to dash back to the bathroom when I'm halfway down, only to discover to my horror and outrage that I have no Immodium left.
"Bollocks to it," I think. "I need it. I've gone fully half an hour without defecating liquid terribleness. The shop is only a ten minute walk away. They have a public toilet there. I can do it. Ten minutes there, five minutes inside, ten minutes back." I take a shower, put some clean clothes and some sunglasses on, open the door and prepare to brave the outside world.
No word of a lie - literally, the very second I locked the door behind me, it started raining. Not hugely, but enough that I'm going to be thoroughly damp by the time I get home. "Fuck it", says I, "I need the medicine. And some solid food, I haven't eaten all day." So off I go. I manage to get there and buy the Immodium without further incident. I sit down on the bench outside the shop, and take two immediately. Suddenly the rain increases by several orders of magnitude. In seconds, it has gone from a light rain to a full on fucking downpour, with a chill wind attached to it as well. So I'm walking home through this, my fingers chilled to the fucking bone, and thinking "You know what would be absolutely no change of pace for me whatsoever today? A nice big lightning strike, directly to the fucking face."
I get home. I am freezing fucking cold, soaking fucking wet, my arsehole is red raw, my head aches, I'm hungry as all fuck, and I'm worried that whatever I eat is just going to push more through me and I'll suddenly become the human equivalent of one of those water-pressure jet-packs people use on lakes when they're on sunny holidays.
I have some toast. My stomach rumbles a bit. I have some more toast. No shitting so far.
I get back in the shower to warm up. I am so tired, I end up sliding down the wall behind me and sitting down, cradling my knees against my forehead. I stayed there for quite a while, I think. All of a sudden, I feel that old familiar murmur in the arsehole. But it's ok. The medicine has apparently done its' job.³
It was just a fart. A fucking big, long, very loud and cacophonously echoing in an enclosed cylindrical environment fart, but ultimately, still just a fart.
I think I stayed in that shower for at least another half an hour after that, just sitting there.
My hole has been mostly quiet for a few hours now. The head pain has died down to just an irritant, and my eyes are ok enough to look at a screen again. I am a ruined husk of a man.
I'll tell you this right now - I don't care how cheap and convenient they seemed last night, I am not going to be ordering from that particular takeaway again.
¹ I don't know why I have such a problem with calling in sick when I'm actually sick.
² Today I have gone beyond the point of wishing that bidets were standard equipment in UK bathrooms. Today, I was of the opinion that we should not rest until it's become socially acceptable to go through a car wash with your bare arse hanging out the window, holding your cheeks apart and letting the foaming strips of brush whip your hole clean.
³ Immodium Instants. I cannot praise them enough. Tiny little tabs of slightly lemony, slightly chemical tasting, miraculous shit averters.
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Post by Zuluhero on Mar 14, 2022 23:18:46 GMT
Must have taken ages to write a long post like that if you couldn't look at a screen...😏
Sounds awful though, lucky you weren't vomming at the same time.
I have terrible IBS, or at least I thought I did until I read your saga. Hope you're feeling a bit better now.
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Blue_Mike
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Meet Hanako At Embers
Posts: 5,375
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Post by Blue_Mike on Mar 14, 2022 23:21:22 GMT
Yeah, been good for a few hours now. Dark mode helps. Dramatising my suffering now tonight because by tomorrow I'll be too lazy to do it.
Today has been an absolute horror show as far as smells go, though.
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mrpon
Junior Member
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Post by mrpon on Mar 14, 2022 23:31:57 GMT
Woah, cool citations dude!
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Post by Danno on Mar 14, 2022 23:39:48 GMT
You made it, Mike. No lightning required.
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ozthegweat
New Member
Releasing indirect freedom
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Post by ozthegweat on Mar 15, 2022 6:53:03 GMT
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Post by Dougs on Mar 15, 2022 7:45:44 GMT
Sounds like quite the day there Mike. Glad you came out of the other side of it ok.
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patrick
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Ugly bag of mostly water
Posts: 757
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Post by patrick on Mar 15, 2022 12:10:17 GMT
Bravo.
Came in here to post about my neon orange shite I had this morning that followed the tin of tomato soup I had last night but that doesn't seem to matter too much after reading that.
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cubby
Full Member
doesn't get subtext
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Post by cubby on Mar 15, 2022 13:17:22 GMT
Not only were there footnotes, but footnote 2, wow. Just wow.
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Post by imamazed on Mar 15, 2022 13:52:06 GMT
This. This is the reason the Forum was worth saving. Someone show this page to Roger Reedpop and I imagine the EG Forum would re-appear in minutes.
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Garfy
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Post by Garfy on Mar 15, 2022 15:46:33 GMT
This all happened a couple of weeks ago but it was so traumatic I can only face up to it now. Hopefully getting this off my chest will help with the trauma recovery.
It was a big work day, the first in-person team meeting for 2 years. To celebrate, the boss took us all out for lunch to a local Italian restaurant. I had the garlic mushrooms followed by a spicy pepperoni pizza, very nice. We were all very full and I wasn't particularly looking forward to the walk back to the office.
About halfway there I started to feel a bit bloated. Carefully let out a sneaky fart and continue walking. A bit further and some more gas, had to stop and let out a few squeakers. A bit further still and I have to stop again. And again. My co-workers are looking at me with some concern as I fall well behind.
Then came the big pressure. No fart this, more a warning klaxon saying 'Get to a bog quickly!'. I try to speed up but it's only a few steps before the pressure is back and this time it means business.
There I am stood on the side of the road with a pressure like a volcano in my colon and only a split second to realise I'm going to shit myself in front of all my colleagues. And shit myself I did.
At first it was just a couple of regular sized turds. But then with them out of the way the floodgates opened and round 2 emerged in a liquid torrent. I just stood there in horror as I could feel the shit shower down my leg. And then it started pouring out of my trouser leg into a not so small puddle of brown foulness.
At this point I let out a primordial screech of horror and tried feebly to call for help from my now quite distant co-workers. They can't make out what I'm saying. So I start, slowly, to squelch towards them.
I was absolutely mortified. I still am. They were all nothing but supportive but it still weighs on me. My boss was even kind enough to go pick up some clothes for me.
Thank god this building has showers!!!
I felt pretty rough for the next couple of days (TGIF) so it might have been a bug and nothing to do with the meal.
There, it's all out in the open (again) and I can move on with my life. Girlfriend reckons I have IBS, what do you all think?
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Not sure what's upset me.
