Depression

Just feels like I'm not quite sure what the point planning for the future is.

Like I'm trying to save money. Largely succeeding but I do question what's the point? Ostensibly it's too get a place at some point but the rising deposit prices outstrips what I can save. Plus I'm 40 very soon, after which point getting a mortgage agreed gets harder and harder with each additional year (as lenders assume you'll die before completing payment. And they're probably right).

My pension is going to be worth bollocks all too. Current estimate, based on my contributions, is that I'll be able to afford name a 4k annuity. Which won't even cover my rent by that point.

So yeah, likely be working until I die.

Do question the point in even bothering saving. I mean I do, but it just seems futile.


This is actually one of the more tangible concerns of mine. Don't even want to touch on the existential dread I feel everytime I consider the things in the future that are even more outside my control.

I really need to just not think about things. But then if I don't think about them I can't make any plans. But if I try to make plans the crippling anxiety flares up.

I have no idea.

Honestly I don't want to do anything. I'd like to just bimble around pursuing my hobbies and interests and leisure with no pressure.

That's clearly not viable.


That's an issue in itself, I don't really have any particular ambitions or desires as far as a career goes.

I don't really want to turn my hobbies into my job either.

Tried that when I tried to work as a freelance animator and illustrator. Personally as soon as something becomes the means to make the income, it kinda stops becoming as enjoyable. Also the gig economics didn't work out.

Pursuing that career, in hindsight, was a massive mistake and a large reason why I'm in the financial and housing situation I'm currently in.

If it's any help, I got a mortgage at 47 with no problems. It would have been a bit harder after that age, but 47 or less, and you're fine.

Why isn't that viable? I bimble about with my hobbies and that's fine till i drop dead. You've got to have cash to back it up though, so either work and put up with it and enjoy your spare time, or save to make the purchase of the house easier and let you take a lower paid, less stressful job. Entirely up to you.

I disagree about pursuing that career being a mistake. I think that should be applauded. Doesn't matter if it doesn't work out or not, you've made the plunge and gone for it regardless. If you didn't do this, you'd be wondering what it'd have been like if you did. And it's good to experiment as it adds to your experience. You know you probably won't do that again, so you might choose something else next time.

Not everything has to work first time. Hardly ever does. That's how you learn.

Someone just pointed out to me that the distance from 1970, when I was born, to now, is the same distance that 1918 was from 1970



You've had 50 years of having fun drinking like a fish, smoking too much and smashing headboards  

That's a good example of how your perspective changes when you're older. Things change don't they

And yes, 50 years of fun, here's to however many years more of the same!

When I said I want to bimble around doing my hobbies I meant that's *literally* all I want to do. As in have no job.

I want to be retired, basically.

I don't have enough time to pursue my interests currently because work gets in the way. There's a constant frustration as whatever I do in my free time is at the expense of something else I want to do. Plus there's the occasions where I'm frankly to knackered after work to do anything.

As for what constitutes success, I basically want a place of my own. That would be secure. I've only ever been in houseshares or been a lodger since I went to uni. I basically haven't had somewhere that feels like home for nearly 20 years.

So a home would be nice.

I know that long term rentals are viable, and honestly I don't care about actual ownership. But a few of the last places I was living at, I had to move out as the landlord wanted to sell.

Yeah I get that. I'm not going to lie and say that the thought never arises, but the way I look at it, even if I owned the property, there could be factors that arose that would mean I had to move. She could decide to sell anytime, but I just think i'm going to deal with that as and when it happens.

It's weird. out of all my hangups, this isn't one of them, but I really do get where you're coming from. That will help you not feeling anchored in a "home" as well because you've had to move against your will.

I have a tendency to take my potatoes for granted

Or her dead body

So do we all. We all want to do that. I don't have enough time to pursue my interests because work gets in the way. That's life. And it's tough. 

However, you know what you want. Now you do, you've put a plan in place to get it. Work on that, and then you can enjoy your hobbies to your hearts content. Doesn't come on a plate though, you need to follow that plan to the end and stick to it.

Yeah it's that working at things where I fall down as I'm really, honestly very lazy and basically stick to the path of least resistance.

I'm not helping myself and I'm not really a fan of my behaviour but there you go.

Even following my creative career is something I just fell into. I don't think I've really actively pursued anything in my life thus far with any particular drive. It just kind of happened.

It's a bit of a balance though. I understand that if you walk around every day expecting everything to be brilliant then it's likely you'll encounter something that isn't. 

But then, I have to go back to, "why the fuck does it matter?". It probably mattered when you were growing up, trying to work shit out. But we're older now, and generally see how the world works. 

Working on negative things with yourself is a positive thing to do.
Working on the positive things with yourself is a negative thing to do. It shouldn't be, but in this society, just look at what people are using as measuring sticks. It's mostly all narcissistic behaviour. And it's this that fucks us up. So people get really frustrated when they can't get that shiny car, or earn 6 figures, or have a massive fucking house and brag to their mates about it. And then comes the spiral. And then they look at social media, and get pictures of people earning 6 figures every 5 fucking minutes, so they kick off again. It's all a hideous, fabricated mess. 

The only solution I apply to it is strip it all away, and just live how I want to live.